SNL Transcripts: Paul Giamatti: 01/22/05: The Bush Twins


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 10

04j: Paul Giamatti / Ludacris, featuring Sum-41

The Bush Twins

President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Jenna Bush…..Amy Poehler
Barbara Bush…..Tina Fey
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on exterior, White House, night ] [ SUPER: “Thursday Night After the Inaugural Ball” ] [ dissolve to exterior, window ] [ SUPER: “Jenna and Barbara’s Room” ] [ dissolve to interior, room, Jenna and Barbara kissing their daddy, President George W. Bush, good night ]

Jenna Bush: Good night, Daddy!

Barbara Bush: Congratulations!

President George W. Bush: Sleep tight, you two. Dream about freedom!

Jenna Bush: Daddy, I always knew you were gonna be a two-term precedent. Whoo-oo!!

President George W. Bush: Right back, atcha, J-Bird! [ exits room ]

Jenna Bush: Oh, my God, Barbara! I’m so wasted! Do you think he could tell?

Barbara Bush: Probably. You were line-dancing, and your shoe totally flew off!

Jenna Bush: Oh, my God, Barbara. I’ve got the spins.

[ they sit on their beds ]

Barbara Bush: Jenna, I told you not to drink straight Tequila.

Jenna Bush: I didn’t. I mixed it – with Captain Morgan.

Barbara Bush: I can’t believe you threw your gum at those protestors!

Jenna Bush: [ chuckles ] I was exercising my God-given right, to protect my liberty from evil-doers!

Barbara Bush: I was so bored by the end, I started playing this game that, any time anyone said the word “freedom”, I stuffed a little piece of Oriental Chex mix up my nose.

Jenna Bush: I was so drunk, I made out with Dick Cheney’s daughter.

Barbara Bush: Jenna!

Jenna Bush: What? Not the gay one – duh!

Barbara Bush: I can’t believe we’ve gotta sleep in this room for four more years.

Jenna Bush: Not me. I’m getting my own place. I’m gonna get a cool job – designing fashion, or teaching deaf kids to read, or something.. And I’m gonna buy a totally bad ass condo in downtown Houston, and I’m gonna be, like, “Suck it, Vanessa Kerry! I’m livin’ large!” Ohh.. I’m so drunk..

Barbara Bush: Jenna, do you think Daddy’s a good president?

Jenna Bush: [ gasps ] Oh, my God, Barbara! How can you even ask that?!

Barbara Bush: I don’t know. I see all those people holding up signs that say, “Worst President Ever” and “Dumbest President Ever”, and “Biggest Liar Ever”, and.. it makes you wonder.

Jenna Bush: Well, don’t wonder out loud!

Barbara Bush: Jenna, we’re twins! We have to share our msot secret thoughts about everything.

Jenna Bush: Well, it’s disrespectable!

Barbara Bush: Just answer me in our secret twin language.

Jenna Bush: Barbara, we haven’t used that language since we were, like, 19.

Barbara Bush: Do-ba you-ba think-ba Dad’s-ba a-ba good-ba candidate?

Jenna Bush: [ exasperated ] Ba-yes. I-ba think-ba he’s-ba really -ba good.

Barbara Bush: But what-ba about-ba the-ba weapons-ba of-ba mass-ba destruction? They-ba weren’t-ba there!

Jenna Bush: But, Barbara. You heard-ba Dad’s-ba speech. We’re spreading-ba freedom! Saddam Hussein-ba was-ba a-ba bad-ba, bad-ba man!

Barbara Bush: I-ba know! But the-ba war-ba in-ba Iraq-ba is-ba a-ba big-ba shi-ba storm! What about-ba Social-ba Security? I read-ba it-ba isn’t-ba really-ba going-ba bankrupt!

Jenna Bush: But-ba.. allowing-ba people-ba to.. invest-ba.. their-ba.. retirement-ba money-ba.. in-ba the private-ba.. sector-ba.. isn’t-ba smart-ba because-ba, um.. Dang, I don’t know! This is giving me a headache! You think you know everything because you went to Yale, and I went to UT!

Barbara Bush: Oh, Jenna, don’t say that. Yale’s not so great, and UT has a real pretty fitness center.

[ President Bush re-enters ]

President George W. Bush: Hey. Y’all still up? Your mother asked the chef for some more of that Crème Broule, or as I like to call it: Freedom Puddin’.

Barbara Bush: No thanks, Dad. I’m tired, and Jenna’s got the spins.

Jenna Bush: [ alarmed ] Don’t-ba tell-ba him-ba I’m-ba blasted!

Barbara Bush: But it’s-ba so-ba bobvious.

President George W. Bush: [ confused ] What are y’all talking about?

Jenna Bush: Tell-ba him-ba it’s-ba food-ba poisoning!

President George W. Bush: I never could understand this crazy twin talk. It’s hard!

Jenna Bush: Daddy? Did you see Arnold Schwarzenegger tonight? Wasn’t he so awesome?

President George W. Bush: [ sits on the edge of Barbara’s bed ] You missed it. I went up to him, and I said, “Hey, Terminator! Hasta la vista! I’ll be back!”

Barbara Bush: That’s funny, Daddy! Do it again!

President George W. Bush: “Hey, Terminator! Hasta la vista! I’ll be back!”

[ they all share a heart laugh, as a tuxedo-clad Dick Cheney enters ]

Dick Cheney: Alright, lights out. Big day tomorrow. Fun was had. Let’s not push it.

President George W. Bush: Alright, girls. I’ll see you tomorrow. [ exits room ]

Jenna Bush: Good night, Daddy.

Barbara Bush: Good night, Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney: [ before exiting the room ] By the way: I-ba heard-ba everything-ba that-ba you-ba were-ba saying! [ chuckles maliciously to himself ] Go to bed. [ exits room ]

Barbara & Jenna Bush: Oh, my God! “Live-ba, from-ba New-ba York-ba, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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