SNL Transcripts: Paul Giamatti: 01/22/05: The Bush Twins

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 10

04j: Paul Giamatti / Ludacris, featuring Sum-41

The Bush Twins

President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Jenna Bush…..Amy Poehler
Barbara Bush…..Tina Fey
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on exterior, White House, night ] [ SUPER: “Thursday Night After the Inaugural Ball” ] [ dissolve to exterior, window ] [ SUPER: “Jenna and Barbara’s Room” ] [ dissolve to interior, room, Jenna and Barbara kissing their daddy, President George W. Bush, good night ]

Jenna Bush: Good night, Daddy!

Barbara Bush: Congratulations!

President George W. Bush: Sleep tight, you two. Dream about freedom!

Jenna Bush: Daddy, I always knew you were gonna be a two-term precedent. Whoo-oo!!

President George W. Bush: Right back, atcha, J-Bird! [ exits room ]

Jenna Bush: Oh, my God, Barbara! I’m so wasted! Do you think he could tell?

Barbara Bush: Probably. You were line-dancing, and your shoe totally flew off!

Jenna Bush: Oh, my God, Barbara. I’ve got the spins.

[ they sit on their beds ]

Barbara Bush: Jenna, I told you not to drink straight Tequila.

Jenna Bush: I didn’t. I mixed it – with Captain Morgan.

Barbara Bush: I can’t believe you threw your gum at those protestors!

Jenna Bush: [ chuckles ] I was exercising my God-given right, to protect my liberty from evil-doers!

Barbara Bush: I was so bored by the end, I started playing this game that, any time anyone said the word “freedom”, I stuffed a little piece of Oriental Chex mix up my nose.

Jenna Bush: I was so drunk, I made out with Dick Cheney’s daughter.

Barbara Bush: Jenna!

Jenna Bush: What? Not the gay one – duh!

Barbara Bush: I can’t believe we’ve gotta sleep in this room for four more years.

Jenna Bush: Not me. I’m getting my own place. I’m gonna get a cool job – designing fashion, or teaching deaf kids to read, or something.. And I’m gonna buy a totally bad ass condo in downtown Houston, and I’m gonna be, like, “Suck it, Vanessa Kerry! I’m livin’ large!” Ohh.. I’m so drunk..

Barbara Bush: Jenna, do you think Daddy’s a good president?

Jenna Bush: [ gasps ] Oh, my God, Barbara! How can you even ask that?!

Barbara Bush: I don’t know. I see all those people holding up signs that say, “Worst President Ever” and “Dumbest President Ever”, and “Biggest Liar Ever”, and.. it makes you wonder.

Jenna Bush: Well, don’t wonder out loud!

Barbara Bush: Jenna, we’re twins! We have to share our msot secret thoughts about everything.

Jenna Bush: Well, it’s disrespectable!

Barbara Bush: Just answer me in our secret twin language.

Jenna Bush: Barbara, we haven’t used that language since we were, like, 19.

Barbara Bush: Do-ba you-ba think-ba Dad’s-ba a-ba good-ba candidate?

Jenna Bush: [ exasperated ] Ba-yes. I-ba think-ba he’s-ba really -ba good.

Barbara Bush: But what-ba about-ba the-ba weapons-ba of-ba mass-ba destruction? They-ba weren’t-ba there!

Jenna Bush: But, Barbara. You heard-ba Dad’s-ba speech. We’re spreading-ba freedom! Saddam Hussein-ba was-ba a-ba bad-ba, bad-ba man!

Barbara Bush: I-ba know! But the-ba war-ba in-ba Iraq-ba is-ba a-ba big-ba shi-ba storm! What about-ba Social-ba Security? I read-ba it-ba isn’t-ba really-ba going-ba bankrupt!

Jenna Bush: But-ba.. allowing-ba people-ba to.. invest-ba.. their-ba.. retirement-ba money-ba.. in-ba the private-ba.. sector-ba.. isn’t-ba smart-ba because-ba, um.. Dang, I don’t know! This is giving me a headache! You think you know everything because you went to Yale, and I went to UT!

Barbara Bush: Oh, Jenna, don’t say that. Yale’s not so great, and UT has a real pretty fitness center.

[ President Bush re-enters ]

President George W. Bush: Hey. Y’all still up? Your mother asked the chef for some more of that Crème Broule, or as I like to call it: Freedom Puddin’.

Barbara Bush: No thanks, Dad. I’m tired, and Jenna’s got the spins.

Jenna Bush: [ alarmed ] Don’t-ba tell-ba him-ba I’m-ba blasted!

Barbara Bush: But it’s-ba so-ba bobvious.

President George W. Bush: [ confused ] What are y’all talking about?

Jenna Bush: Tell-ba him-ba it’s-ba food-ba poisoning!

President George W. Bush: I never could understand this crazy twin talk. It’s hard!

Jenna Bush: Daddy? Did you see Arnold Schwarzenegger tonight? Wasn’t he so awesome?

President George W. Bush: [ sits on the edge of Barbara’s bed ] You missed it. I went up to him, and I said, “Hey, Terminator! Hasta la vista! I’ll be back!”

Barbara Bush: That’s funny, Daddy! Do it again!

President George W. Bush: “Hey, Terminator! Hasta la vista! I’ll be back!”

[ they all share a heart laugh, as a tuxedo-clad Dick Cheney enters ]

Dick Cheney: Alright, lights out. Big day tomorrow. Fun was had. Let’s not push it.

President George W. Bush: Alright, girls. I’ll see you tomorrow. [ exits room ]

Jenna Bush: Good night, Daddy.

Barbara Bush: Good night, Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney: [ before exiting the room ] By the way: I-ba heard-ba everything-ba that-ba you-ba were-ba saying! [ chuckles maliciously to himself ] Go to bed. [ exits room ]

Barbara & Jenna Bush: Oh, my God! “Live-ba, from-ba New-ba York-ba, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

Notify of