SNL Transcripts: Paul Giamatti: 01/22/05: Kaitlin


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 10

04j: Paul Giamatti / Ludacris, featuring Sum-41


Kaitlin….Amy Poehler
Rick….Horatio Sanz
Uncle Chazz….Paul Giamatti

[Opens with a music instruments store. In walks hyperactive kid Kaitlin with her almost sedated stepdad Rick. Rick sits on a bench in the store sipping from a 7-11 Big Gulp]

Kaitlin: Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!

Rick: Kaitlin, hurry up and pick an instrument. We got to pick your mother from work.

Kaitlin: Rick, if I don’t choose an instrument for music class by Friday, Ms. Stillsen’s gonna choose one for me and I don’t want to get stuck playing the recorder. I want to play the drums, Rick! [in Rick’s ear] Rick! I want to play the drums!, the drums!, the drums!

Rick: No. You don’t want to play the drums. We’re gonna ask your Uncle Chazz about it.

Kaitlin: You know Rick, I’ve come to terms with the whole no drums thing and it’s really hard but I think if we moved your Soloflex out of the garage, we could play some drums in there, Rick! Please! Please! Please! Rick, my drums…

Rick: We can’t get rid of the Soloflex. I haven’t stopped making payments on it yet.

[Uncle Chazz appears. He’s an old hippie with long hair, carries an electric guitar]

Uncle Chazz: Hey there, Rick.

Rick: Hey, Chazz.

Uncle Chazz: I’m sorry about last Christmas, man.

Rick: Don’t worry about it.

Uncle Chazz: Hey Kaitlin! Give me five!

Kaitlin: Hey Uncle Chazz!! [high fives] Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Hey Uncle Chazz, do you have a gig tonight?! Can I go to your gig tonight?! Will you put me in your list for your gig?! Will you put me as your guest on your list?!

Uncle Chazz: Oh, oh Kaitlin, man. You are always on my guest list.

Kaitlin: Hey Uncle Chazz, we’re here to get me an instrument and don’t even say the drums cause Rick thinks they make TOO MUCH NOISE!!

Uncle Chazz: You don’t want to be a drummer, man. Drummers are douchebags. No, they steal wives.

Kaitlin: I know, cause I can’t decide sometimes when I grow up I want to be a professional musician but other times I want to be a professional “Price is Right” contestant. I would always win Chazz, cause I would wait until everyone would stop bidding and I would say “One dollar, Bob” and then I would like [humming “Price is Right” theme] and then they’d be like “a new car!” And then I would play Plinko and I would be like Yodi! Yodi! Yodi! [yodeling, wiggling index finger]

Rick: Kaitlin, pick out an instrument.

Uncle Chazz: Ok, ok. Now is the time when you introduce yourself to your destiny. Today is your first day of your musical journey. But remember this, man. You don’t choose the instrument….the instrument chooses you.

Kaitlin: [impressed] Whoa, awesome Chazz.[goes looking for an instrument]

Uncle Chazz: [sits besides Rick] All right.

Rick: Hey, how’s your band?

Uncle Chazz: It’s amazing! Actually man, really amazing! You know, we’re this close, this close. I keep telling them, we need to quit our day jobs. We need to eat music and sleep music and pay our bills with music. I mean, the stuff that we’ve been laying down is pure magic. Absolutely instant classics. You know, we’re doing a concept album right now. And it’s called “Merlin’s Dew” and it’s all about this wizard lost in a violent world filled with processed foods and poverty and bitchy ex-wives.

Rick: The wizard has an ex-wife?

Uncle Chazz: Well, yeah! It’s kinda like rock meets folk meets country meets fusion metal. I call it “rofolkomet”.

Kaitlin: Hey guys, I can’t decide on this instrument and I have an idea. Maybe my voice should be my instrument. Cause I’m a very dynamic singer, Rick! [sings into an open microphone The Black Crowes “Hard to Handle”] Boys come along a dime a dozen, that ain’t’ nothing but plain good lovin’, Hey little girl let me light your candle cause mama I’m sure hard to handle, now give it now, be-e-e-op!

Uncle Chazz: [applauds] Jeez, man. My head is simply filled with lyrics. They come to me constantly, man. Listen, I wrote something last night. Listen to this, yeah, yeah. [takes out little pocketbook notebook] “My love is a fool’s game, the night is filled with moon’s shame, the wizard said cavachaphombum….”

Rick: Were you high when you wrote that?

Uncle Chazz: Yeah, actually I think I was.

Kaitlin: [violin in hand] Hey you guys, Rick this violin is not good for me. It’s too delicate. [pretends to sit on it] What if I sat on it, Rick?! What if I sat on it?! I almost sat on it three times! What if I fell on it? And I went whoa, whoa! whoa! [pretends to fall on violin]

Rick: Cool it, cool it, Kaitlin.

Kaitlin: Chazz, one time I was on my trampoline with my roller skates on and I tried the back flip and I flew up in the air and I thought I was a goner. And time stood still and I made eye contact with a bird and the bird was looking at me like “you have not mentally prepared enough for this back flip, I will guide you safely back to earth” And then I landed but I was still so scared and I ran inside and was like “take me to Taco Bell, Rick! I need a tostada to calm my nerves! I need to make a run for the border! Yo quiero Taco Bell!!” Remember that?! Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!

Uncle Chazz: That’s a great story! Kaitlin, hold it! I’m hearing lyrics, man! [takes out little pocket notebook and scribbles] Roller skates! Birds! Trampolines! Rick! Rick!

Rick: All right. Everyone calm down. Kaitlin, pick out an instrument and we’ll pick up your mother.

Uncle Chazz: Ok, I’m gonna go out on a limb here, man. The instrument that is calling Kaitlin’s name? The skins!

Kaitlin: That means drums Rick![runs around in circles around Rick and Chazz] Rick! Rick! Chazz! Chazz! Rick! Drums! Rick! Drums!

Rick: Hey, hey. Calm down. All right, we can rent the drums for a month.

Kaitlin: [kicks] Boom!

Rick: But, you can only play them when I’m awake.

Kaitlin: Thanks Rick. Awesome! [gets behind a drum set] Here we go! One! Two! Three! Four!

Rick: Kaitlin!

Kaitlin: All right, Rick. I’ll just work on my stick work.[wiggles stick through fingers in slow motion][whispers] Oooh, look at this Rick.

Uncle Chazz: Awesome Kaitlin. You know, if you’re coming to my gig we have to hit the road. It’s a four hour drive and my van doesn’t have heater back seats.

Kaitlin: That sounds awesome Chazz. [whispering to Rick] Rick, Rick, Rick. [loudly] I can’t wait to go to the gig! [whispers to Rick] I don’t want to go to the gig. [loudly] Please, let me go to the gig, Rick?! [whispers to Rick] I don’t want to go to the gig.

Rick: [bailing her out] No, no Kaitlin. You need to do homework.

Kaitlin: [whispers] Thanks, Rick.

Uncle Chazz: Well, I’ll walk you guys out. I got to call home and talk-sing the lyrics of my new song into my answering machine.

[the trio leaves the store]

Kaitlin: You like being in a band?

Uncle Chazz: Yes!

Kaitlin: Are you still married to Victoria?

Uncle Chazz: No.

Kaitlin: Do you stay up late?

Uncle Chazz: Yes.

Kaitlin: Are you a morning person?

Uncle Chazz: No.

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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