SNL Transcripts: Paul Giamatti: 01/22/05: Rice Confirmation Hearing



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 10






04j: Paul Giamatti / Ludacris, featuring Sum-41

Rice Confirmation Hearing

Sen. Richard Luger…..Paul Giamatti
Condoleeza Rice…..Amy Poehler
Sen. John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Barbara Boxer…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, Senate Office Building ]

[ SUPER: “Senate Office Building” ]

Announcer: We now return to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, and the confirmation hearing of Secretary of State nominee, Dr. Condoleeza Rice.

[ dissolve to interior, Senate Office, Condoleeza Rice Confirmation Hearing ]

[ SUPER: “Rice Confirmation Hearing” ]

Condoleeza Rice: — And, in the next four years, I hope to continue to promote an environment of hope and prosperity alongside the world’s global powers. Thank you, Mr. Chairman.

[ cut to Sen. Richard Luger ]

[ SUPER: “Sen. Richard Luger (R) – IN” ]

Sen. Richard Luger: Well, thank you, Dr. Rice! On behalf of myself and my colleagues, we appreciate your comments. Uh, I think it’s safe to say that you’ve got this thing all locked up. So, in the interest of time, maybe you’d like to close with some bullet points.

Condoleeza Rice: Uh.. okay, uh.. freedom.. Saddam Hussein.. September 11th.

Sen. Richard Luger: Aaaaand.. that’ll do it for me! So! Unless there’s any questions, I think we can —

Sen. John Kerry: [ interrupting ] If I may, Mr. Chairman!

Sen. Richard Luger: Ah! Well, uh.. Sen. Kerry. You have the floor.

[ SUPER: “Sen. John Kerry (D) – MA” ]

Sen. John Kerry: Let me begin by saying, that there’s no place I’d rather be than right here, back in the Senate. And, to think, were it not for that feisty little state of Ohio, I’d be planning my own inauguration tonight. A party that would have included poet/laureate Bob Dylan.. and a performance by the incomparable Savio Glover, brining in both the noise.. and the funk!

Sen. Richard Luger: [ annoyed ] Do you have a question, Senator?

Sen. John Kerry: I do not have a question —

Sen. Richard Luger: You said you had a question!

Sen. John Kerry: Then, I do have a question! Dr. Rice, in your opinion.. don’t you think that would have been a cool party?

Condoleeza Rice: Uh.. yes – no. No, I don’t think so.

Sen. Richard Luger: Okay, let’s just – let’s just wrap it up! I think we can beat the traffic if. There’s nothing else —

[ SUPER: “Sen. Barbara Boxer (D) – CA” ]

Sen. Barbara Boxer: Mr. Chairman, if I may. Dr. Rice, I have a few points that I’d like to make.

Sen. Richard Luger: Really? May I remind you that none of this matters, since we’re gonna confirm this lady, anyway! And, may I also remind you that I have tickets to The Lion King, Sen. Boxer!

Sen. Barbara Boxer: Okay, I understand, Senator. Dr. Rice, please. Will you take a look at this map. [ holds up color map ] It shows the State Department’s list of every country in which Al Quaeda operated in prior to 9/11 – Iraq is simply not there. [ holds up document ] Um.. this is a document where you claim that Saddam Hussein was planning to launch a nuclear attack in the U.S. in the form of a, quote – your quote – “mushroom cloud.” I will be, uh, placing this into the record, as well as a number of such statements you’ve made, which have not been consistent with the facts.

Condoleeza Rice: [ taken aback ] Senator, I take offense to your accusations, and I would be very willing to talk to you about this in a more.. appropriate forum – you know, when there aren’t so many senators and TV cameras around. Perhaps, sometime after I get the job. [ smiles ]

Sen. Barbara Boxer: [ continuing ] Let me show you something. [ holds up a paper with a huge “0” on it ] This is the number zero, on a piece of paper, which represents how many weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq. Uh.. right here is a graph that I made. [ holds up graph with short yellow bar and tall blue bar ] The yellow bar represents the truth, uh.. the blue bar represents what you say. The blue equals lies. As you can see, the blue bar is crazy higher than the yellow.

Condoleeza Rice: Once again, Senator, I am going to get confirmed —

Sen. Barbara Boxer: Okay, wait, wait, uh.. [ holds up a cartoon drawing of Condoleeza Rice ] This is a big head caricature of you, and you’re lying and playing tennis. [ pulls over a plaster-of-paris homemade volcano ] Uh.. this is a plaster-of-paris volcano that I made, to represent the rising tension in the middle East.

Sen. Richard Luger: Now wait a second! This is supposed to be easy – in and out! She gets the job, we go to the parties!

Sen. John Kerry: Cat fight!

Sen. Barbara Boxer: Uh.. uh.. the baking soda represents our current situation in Iraq – this vinegar is your lies. [ pours vinegar into the mouth of the volcano ] Uh, when I combine them, look what happens – an eruption of lies! [ the volcano starts to smoke ] An eruption of lies from your lie volcano! Dr. Condo-lies-a lies-a-lot! You – let me get this here. [ holds up paper dolls ] You have fold the people.. [ holds up a dinner plate ] ..by feeding them.. [ holds up a packet of balogna ] ..a bunch of balogna!

Condoleeza Rice: [ smiling ] I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening. Just trying to make a decision on these business cards. [ holds up business cards ] You know the ones that say “Secretary of State”?

Sen. Richard Luger: Th-that balogna thing really did sum up your argument, I think, Sen. Carrot Top.

Sen. John Kerry: Bruce Springsteen was going to sing at my Inauguration! He had changed the words of “Glory Days” to “Kerry Days! They’re finally here, Kerry Days!”

Sen. Richard Luger: Senator, do you have a question?

Sen. John Kerry: Technically, I do not!

Sen. Richard Luger: Alright! Then, I move that we postpone these hearings until after the Inaugural party. [ bangs gavel ] Alright. Is this going to happen for the next four years?

Sen. John Kerry: Yes, sir. We have lots to say —

Sen. Barbara Boxer: Pretty much so —

[ fade ]

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