SNL Transcripts: Paul Giamatti: 01/22/05: Spy Glass


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 10

04j: Paul Giamatti / Ludacris, featuring Sum-41

Spy Glass

Ian Gerrard…..Seth Meyer
Zoe Anderton…..Amy Poehler
Rupert Smythe Pennington…..Paul Giamatti
Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz

[open on harlequin blowing smoke cloud with title: “BBC America”]

Voice Over: You’re watching BBC America.

[dissolve to opening montage with title: “Spy Glass”] [dissolve to studio, with Ian and Zoe]

Ian: Welcome to “Spy Glass,” English television’s top shop for gloss goss.

[titles: “Ian Gerrard,” “Zoe Anderton,” placed beneath the appropriate persons]

Zoe: I’m Zoe Anderton, and my lips are sealed. [lifts finger to mouth as if to make “shhh” gesture]

Ian: And I’m Ian Gerrard, [titles are removed] getting us started with the story, “Heil Harry or Swas-Sticky Situation.” [graphic of Prince Harry dressed as Nazi at top left] When Prince Harry arrived at a costume party wearing a Nazi uniform, it caused quite a Fuhrer. What turned this boy into a Ger-man? Too many gin and Teu-tonics? I think we can all agree this is Nazi best idea he ever had.

Zoe: [graphic of female silhouette with question mark at top right] What “Electra”-fying actress is maybe disguising a pregnancy as an illness? You’ll never Jennifer Garner an answer from me. But we all hope she overcomes her current Ben Affleck-tion. [silhouette is replaced by picture of Jennifer Garner, with cartoon of stork carrying baby]

Ian: [graphic of Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt in torn picture at top left] And now, “Brad Splits, or Let’s Just be ‘Friends.'” Well, the breakup is official, and Jennifer is Ani-stunned. But what man could blame Brad for getting his Jolies? Angelina said they were just friends, but maybe she’s being Lara Croft-y. Brad says, “Don’t blame me; it wasn’t “Legends of My Fault.” One too many? Bit of a stretch? I agree. Zoe!

Zoe: [graphic of David Beckham at top right] What tip-top news correspondent was removed from a party recently for ignoring a court order that dictates she stay a hundred meters away from David Beckham? Here’s a hint: She lives in my mirror. [Zoe smiles smugly as graphic changes to include Zoe joyfully peering from behind David Beckham’s shoulder]

Ian: And now let’s go to our teenaged news beat. Filling in for teen dream Vivan Cinnamon tonight, BBC’s Parliament correspondent, Rupert Smythe Pennington.

[dissolve to Rupert Smythe Pennington standing in front of Piccadilly Circus with title: “Rupert Smythe Pennington”]

Rupert: Well, cheers, all. It’s me, Rupert Smythe Pennington, with the fab gab for the teen scene. [swish-pan to photo of Olsen Twins] Well, it’s been reported that Mary-Kate Olsen will be moving out the New York apartment she shares with her sister Ashley. [swish-pan to Rupert] Now wait a “New York Minute.” Is this sister act breaking up, or is it just a case of a “Full House”? Oh, this just in! [swish-pan to photo of Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake] Cameron is sporting a friendship ring that seems to say marriage might be right around the corner. [swish-pan to Rupert] It seems this pop star is falling in love so fast, we should say [lifts hand to mouth] “Tiiiiimbeeeeer–” [removes hand] “–lake.” [swish-pan to photo of Jude Law and Sienna Miller] Hey, Jude. Don’t make it bad. Take a hot girl and make her your wife. [swish-pan to Rupert] Well, this is Rupert Smythe Pennington for Teen Beat.

[dissolve to studio]

Zoe: Well done.

Ian: Indeed. Good show, Rupert Smythe Pennington.

[dissolve to Rupert]

Rupert: I must say, that was quite a delight. I’m afraid you don’t get that kind of robust language in the Parliament. That was great fun! Great fun! Great fun! Smashing! Cheerio!

[dissolve to studio]

Zoe: [graphic of reveling footballers with mystery silhouette at top right] What me-shaped girl decided the best way to get close to Beckham was to shag his teammates? Me. [silhouette is replaced by Zoe] Jealous, Becks? I just hope you don’t call me. [title: “079808940-MOBILE,” “0044685493-WORK”] [Zoe nods and mouths, “Call me.”]

Ian: Just thought of another Brad and Jen detail, Zoe. We here at “Spy Glass” hope they give it another “Troy.”

Zoe: Didn’t need that one.

Ian: I absolutely didn’t. Terrible call on my part. Well, it’s time to join our cinema correspondent, the Right Honorable Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire.

[dissolve to Gene Shalit wearing small powdered wig in front of “Critics Corner” backdrop with title: “Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire”]

Gene: Parum, parum, parum! Well, it’s been a great movie year, and here are some of my favorite Oscar hopefuls. “Vera Drake”? Make no Vera mistake, it’s a winner! “Hotel Rwanda”? I R-want-a see it again! Somebody please R-wind-a it! “Finding Neveralnd”? I never thought I’d be finding a movie that good in this land! “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”? That’s one movie I wouldn’t Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind seeing again. I’m sick. This is Sir Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire saying “Pip, pip!”

[dissolve to studio]

Zoe: [graphic of reveling footballers with Zoe at top right] This just in. Those weren’t David Beckham’s teammates. They were stadium janitors. [graphic is replaced by photograph of janitors]

Ian: You’ve really got to pull yourself together.

[mobile phone rings]

Zoe: Oh, excuse me Ian, that’s probably David Beckham. [answers phone] Hello? That sounds great. [hangs up]

Ian: Was it David Beckham?

Zoe: No, it was my doctor. He says I have the Red Devil. A.K.A., Spanish chlamydia. And if you’re wondering, it is worse than normal chlamydia.

Ian: But we’ve had…

Zoe: We have.

Ian: So then I have.

Zoe: You do.

[dissolve to Rupert]

Rupert: Bad news for me as well.

[dissolve to Gene]

Gene: Oh, boy!

[dissolve to studio]

Ian: [to Zoe] Shalitshire?

[Zoe winks and coyly looks away from Ian]

Ian: When we come back, Naomi Watts drunk on shots. Is the Aussie lass drinking herself down under the table?

Zoe: You better watch your step.

Both: You’re under the “Spy Glass.” [Zoe brings her thumb and index finger to her left eye, as if looking through a spy glass] [dissolve to title: “Spy Glass”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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