SNL Transcripts: Paul Giamatti: 01/22/05: Spy Glass

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 10

04j: Paul Giamatti / Ludacris, featuring Sum-41

Spy Glass

Ian Gerrard…..Seth Meyer
Zoe Anderton…..Amy Poehler
Rupert Smythe Pennington…..Paul Giamatti
Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz

[open on harlequin blowing smoke cloud with title: “BBC America”]

Voice Over: You’re watching BBC America.

[dissolve to opening montage with title: “Spy Glass”] [dissolve to studio, with Ian and Zoe]

Ian: Welcome to “Spy Glass,” English television’s top shop for gloss goss.

[titles: “Ian Gerrard,” “Zoe Anderton,” placed beneath the appropriate persons]

Zoe: I’m Zoe Anderton, and my lips are sealed. [lifts finger to mouth as if to make “shhh” gesture]

Ian: And I’m Ian Gerrard, [titles are removed] getting us started with the story, “Heil Harry or Swas-Sticky Situation.” [graphic of Prince Harry dressed as Nazi at top left] When Prince Harry arrived at a costume party wearing a Nazi uniform, it caused quite a Fuhrer. What turned this boy into a Ger-man? Too many gin and Teu-tonics? I think we can all agree this is Nazi best idea he ever had.

Zoe: [graphic of female silhouette with question mark at top right] What “Electra”-fying actress is maybe disguising a pregnancy as an illness? You’ll never Jennifer Garner an answer from me. But we all hope she overcomes her current Ben Affleck-tion. [silhouette is replaced by picture of Jennifer Garner, with cartoon of stork carrying baby]

Ian: [graphic of Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt in torn picture at top left] And now, “Brad Splits, or Let’s Just be ‘Friends.'” Well, the breakup is official, and Jennifer is Ani-stunned. But what man could blame Brad for getting his Jolies? Angelina said they were just friends, but maybe she’s being Lara Croft-y. Brad says, “Don’t blame me; it wasn’t “Legends of My Fault.” One too many? Bit of a stretch? I agree. Zoe!

Zoe: [graphic of David Beckham at top right] What tip-top news correspondent was removed from a party recently for ignoring a court order that dictates she stay a hundred meters away from David Beckham? Here’s a hint: She lives in my mirror. [Zoe smiles smugly as graphic changes to include Zoe joyfully peering from behind David Beckham’s shoulder]

Ian: And now let’s go to our teenaged news beat. Filling in for teen dream Vivan Cinnamon tonight, BBC’s Parliament correspondent, Rupert Smythe Pennington.

[dissolve to Rupert Smythe Pennington standing in front of Piccadilly Circus with title: “Rupert Smythe Pennington”]

Rupert: Well, cheers, all. It’s me, Rupert Smythe Pennington, with the fab gab for the teen scene. [swish-pan to photo of Olsen Twins] Well, it’s been reported that Mary-Kate Olsen will be moving out the New York apartment she shares with her sister Ashley. [swish-pan to Rupert] Now wait a “New York Minute.” Is this sister act breaking up, or is it just a case of a “Full House”? Oh, this just in! [swish-pan to photo of Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake] Cameron is sporting a friendship ring that seems to say marriage might be right around the corner. [swish-pan to Rupert] It seems this pop star is falling in love so fast, we should say [lifts hand to mouth] “Tiiiiimbeeeeer–” [removes hand] “–lake.” [swish-pan to photo of Jude Law and Sienna Miller] Hey, Jude. Don’t make it bad. Take a hot girl and make her your wife. [swish-pan to Rupert] Well, this is Rupert Smythe Pennington for Teen Beat.

[dissolve to studio]

Zoe: Well done.

Ian: Indeed. Good show, Rupert Smythe Pennington.

[dissolve to Rupert]

Rupert: I must say, that was quite a delight. I’m afraid you don’t get that kind of robust language in the Parliament. That was great fun! Great fun! Great fun! Smashing! Cheerio!

[dissolve to studio]

Zoe: [graphic of reveling footballers with mystery silhouette at top right] What me-shaped girl decided the best way to get close to Beckham was to shag his teammates? Me. [silhouette is replaced by Zoe] Jealous, Becks? I just hope you don’t call me. [title: “079808940-MOBILE,” “0044685493-WORK”] [Zoe nods and mouths, “Call me.”]

Ian: Just thought of another Brad and Jen detail, Zoe. We here at “Spy Glass” hope they give it another “Troy.”

Zoe: Didn’t need that one.

Ian: I absolutely didn’t. Terrible call on my part. Well, it’s time to join our cinema correspondent, the Right Honorable Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire.

[dissolve to Gene Shalit wearing small powdered wig in front of “Critics Corner” backdrop with title: “Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire”]

Gene: Parum, parum, parum! Well, it’s been a great movie year, and here are some of my favorite Oscar hopefuls. “Vera Drake”? Make no Vera mistake, it’s a winner! “Hotel Rwanda”? I R-want-a see it again! Somebody please R-wind-a it! “Finding Neveralnd”? I never thought I’d be finding a movie that good in this land! “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”? That’s one movie I wouldn’t Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind seeing again. I’m sick. This is Sir Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire saying “Pip, pip!”

[dissolve to studio]

Zoe: [graphic of reveling footballers with Zoe at top right] This just in. Those weren’t David Beckham’s teammates. They were stadium janitors. [graphic is replaced by photograph of janitors]

Ian: You’ve really got to pull yourself together.

[mobile phone rings]

Zoe: Oh, excuse me Ian, that’s probably David Beckham. [answers phone] Hello? That sounds great. [hangs up]

Ian: Was it David Beckham?

Zoe: No, it was my doctor. He says I have the Red Devil. A.K.A., Spanish chlamydia. And if you’re wondering, it is worse than normal chlamydia.

Ian: But we’ve had…

Zoe: We have.

Ian: So then I have.

Zoe: You do.

[dissolve to Rupert]

Rupert: Bad news for me as well.

[dissolve to Gene]

Gene: Oh, boy!

[dissolve to studio]

Ian: [to Zoe] Shalitshire?

[Zoe winks and coyly looks away from Ian]

Ian: When we come back, Naomi Watts drunk on shots. Is the Aussie lass drinking herself down under the table?

Zoe: You better watch your step.

Both: You’re under the “Spy Glass.” [Zoe brings her thumb and index finger to her left eye, as if looking through a spy glass] [dissolve to title: “Spy Glass”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

Notify of