SNL Transcripts: Paris Hilton: 02/05/05


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 11

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


February 5th, 2005

Paris Hilton



American IdolSummary: Throngs of untalented singers aspire to be the next William Hung.

Recurring Characters: Simon Powell, Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, Qrplt*xk.



Paris Hilton’s MonologueSummary: Kenan Thompson uses his super’s dog to communicate with Paris Hilton via her dog.

Bio: Paris Hilton (1981-). Hanger-on; member of the Hilton Hotel family empire; appeared in a homemade sex tape.

Cameo: 03g. ISummary: Selfish wanna-be parents (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler) are encouraged not to waste unneccesary dollars when raising their children.


Versace SkiingSummary: On the ski slopes, Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) calls Paris Hilton a “bitch.”

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Elton John.

The Expensive PurseSummary: Both Starkisha (Finesse Mitchell) and rich white girl Portia (Paris Hilton) want the same overpriced purse.

Recurring Characters: Starkisha, Malik.

Transcript IISummary: CEO Gary B. Anthony (Chris Parnell) tries to pawn off children’s books with incorrect spelling for eight cents.


Exclusive ConnectionsSummary: Exclusive phone sex hotline satisfies the sci-fi fantasies of nerds everywhere.


The TrumpsSummary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) brings third wife Melania (Paris Hilton) home to meet the kids (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Melania Knauss, Ivanka Trump.

Keane performs “Somewhere Only We Know”Bio: Formed in Battle, East Sussex, England in 1997; members: vocalist Tom Chaplin, drummer Richard Hughes, and pianist Tim Rice-Oxley.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Donavan McNabb (Finesse Mitchell) and his mother, Charline (Kenan Thompson), comment on the Super Bowl. A visit from the tiny people from Elliot Gould’s moustache (Fred Armisen, Rachel Dratch) takes a tragic turn. Tina and Amy perform a Superbowl Point/Counterpoint.

Recurring Characters: Donavan McNabb, Charline McNabb.


Merv the PervSummary: His 20-year high school reunion prompts a flashback of Merv’s (Chris Parnell) slim prom chances.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

Transcript IIISummary: CEO Gary B. Anthony (Chris Parnell) hawks ridiculously cheap children’s medicine.

Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer InstituteSummary: Rafael (Fred Armisen) teaches simple computer technology.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Topher Grace and Paul Giamatti.


Inside Barbie’s DreamhouseSummary: Ken (Will Forte) cheats on Barbie (Amy Poehler) with another Barbie (Paris Hilton).

Recurring Characters: Barbie, Ken.

Keane performs “Everybody’s Changing”

The BarSummary: Philadelphian Brent (Seth Meyers) doesn’t score with woman (Paris Hilton) in a bar.

Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.

Note: This short film was cut from the dress rehearsals of the last seven episodes.




Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Access HollywoodSummary: Billy Bush (Seth Meyers) interviews Joe Simpson (Will Forte) about daughters Ashlee (Rachel Dratch) and Jessica (Paris Hilton).

Recurring Characters: Jessica Simpson.

Paris and ParisSummary: Paris Hilton and her doppleganger (Maya Rudolph) walk the red carpet.

Recurring Characters: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie.

That’s HotSummary: Paris Hilton sneaks off to a party with Maya Rudolph, leaving Chris Parnell and Amy Poehler to carry on a conversation with a catchphrase-spewing recording.

Bear CitySummary: In high school, a boy bear’s friends embarrass him in front of a group of girl bears.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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