SNL Transcripts: Paris Hilton: 02/05/05

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 11

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


February 5th, 2005

Paris Hilton



American IdolSummary: Throngs of untalented singers aspire to be the next William Hung.

Recurring Characters: Simon Powell, Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, Qrplt*xk.



Paris Hilton’s MonologueSummary: Kenan Thompson uses his super’s dog to communicate with Paris Hilton via her dog.

Bio: Paris Hilton (1981-). Hanger-on; member of the Hilton Hotel family empire; appeared in a homemade sex tape.

Cameo: 03g. ISummary: Selfish wanna-be parents (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler) are encouraged not to waste unneccesary dollars when raising their children.


Versace SkiingSummary: On the ski slopes, Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) calls Paris Hilton a “bitch.”

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Elton John.

The Expensive PurseSummary: Both Starkisha (Finesse Mitchell) and rich white girl Portia (Paris Hilton) want the same overpriced purse.

Recurring Characters: Starkisha, Malik.

Transcript IISummary: CEO Gary B. Anthony (Chris Parnell) tries to pawn off children’s books with incorrect spelling for eight cents.


Exclusive ConnectionsSummary: Exclusive phone sex hotline satisfies the sci-fi fantasies of nerds everywhere.


The TrumpsSummary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) brings third wife Melania (Paris Hilton) home to meet the kids (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Melania Knauss, Ivanka Trump.

Keane performs “Somewhere Only We Know”Bio: Formed in Battle, East Sussex, England in 1997; members: vocalist Tom Chaplin, drummer Richard Hughes, and pianist Tim Rice-Oxley.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Donavan McNabb (Finesse Mitchell) and his mother, Charline (Kenan Thompson), comment on the Super Bowl. A visit from the tiny people from Elliot Gould’s moustache (Fred Armisen, Rachel Dratch) takes a tragic turn. Tina and Amy perform a Superbowl Point/Counterpoint.

Recurring Characters: Donavan McNabb, Charline McNabb.


Merv the PervSummary: His 20-year high school reunion prompts a flashback of Merv’s (Chris Parnell) slim prom chances.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

Transcript IIISummary: CEO Gary B. Anthony (Chris Parnell) hawks ridiculously cheap children’s medicine.

Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer InstituteSummary: Rafael (Fred Armisen) teaches simple computer technology.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Topher Grace and Paul Giamatti.


Inside Barbie’s DreamhouseSummary: Ken (Will Forte) cheats on Barbie (Amy Poehler) with another Barbie (Paris Hilton).

Recurring Characters: Barbie, Ken.

Keane performs “Everybody’s Changing”

The BarSummary: Philadelphian Brent (Seth Meyers) doesn’t score with woman (Paris Hilton) in a bar.

Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.

Note: This short film was cut from the dress rehearsals of the last seven episodes.




Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Access HollywoodSummary: Billy Bush (Seth Meyers) interviews Joe Simpson (Will Forte) about daughters Ashlee (Rachel Dratch) and Jessica (Paris Hilton).

Recurring Characters: Jessica Simpson.

Paris and ParisSummary: Paris Hilton and her doppleganger (Maya Rudolph) walk the red carpet.

Recurring Characters: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie.

That’s HotSummary: Paris Hilton sneaks off to a party with Maya Rudolph, leaving Chris Parnell and Amy Poehler to carry on a conversation with a catchphrase-spewing recording.

Bear CitySummary: In high school, a boy bear’s friends embarrass him in front of a group of girl bears.

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