SNL Transcripts: Paris Hilton: 02/05/05: Bear City


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Bear City

Narrator…..Fred Willard

[ open on animated image of a meteor hurtling through the atmosphere and making impact on Earth ]

Narrator V/O: When a meteor hit outside the city of Centerville, a mysterious and visible cloud covered the town, forcing the citizens to flee underground.

[ show townspeople running into a barn-like structure ]

Narrator V/O: In this mysterious, visible cloud was a chemical that enabled bears —

[ show a bear squat in the woods, as the image dissolves into a similar pose of the bear sitting on a toilet inside of a house ]

Narrator V/O: — to evolve an fill the void left by humans.

[ show other bears walking through the city wwearing business suits and carrying briefcases ]

Narrator V/O: And, within two weeks, they had established.. Bear City.

Jingle: “Bear City. Bear, Bear City.”

[ show the bears interacting like humans — stepping out of elevators, rading newspapers, etc. ]

Narrator V/O: Although they couldn’t talk, the bears went about their lives just like Man had done.

[ show close-up of a boy and girl, named Rex Banter and Cynthia Davis ]

Narrator V/O: The only humans left in Bear City were two brave children —

[ the bears swarm in for the kill ]

Narrator V/O: And they were quickly eaten — by bears.

Jingle: “Bear City. Bear, Bear City.”

Narrator V/O: Tonight: “Buying a Pack of Smokes.”

[ fade up on the exterior of a Chevron gas station, as a Bear in a busniess suit parks his SUV, activates the alarm, and approaches the convenience counter. The Bear grunts at a second bear who’s leaving the counter. ] [ the coutner is manned by a Panda Bear, who acknowledges the Bear’s growl by facing the cigarette wall ] [ the Bear is displeased; the Panda Bear has pointed to the wrong brand of cigarettes. The Bear growls his request again; the Panda Bear still gets it wrong, and the two argue the matter for quite some time – often with arms surrendered in the air – until the Panda Bear finally grabs the correct brand of cigarettes. ] [ the Bear grabs his pack of cigarettes and pays for them, then gives the Panda Bear a dirty look before exiting the convenience area. The Panda Bear looks at the camera to acknowledge that he thinks the Bear is an idiot, too. ]

Narrator V/O: Thanks for visiting Bear City.

[ dissolve to title card: “Written and Directed by T. Sean Shannon” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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