SNL Transcripts: Paris Hilton: 02/05/05: Bear City

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Bear City

Narrator…..Fred Willard

[ open on animated image of a meteor hurtling through the atmosphere and making impact on Earth ]

Narrator V/O: When a meteor hit outside the city of Centerville, a mysterious and visible cloud covered the town, forcing the citizens to flee underground.

[ show townspeople running into a barn-like structure ]

Narrator V/O: In this mysterious, visible cloud was a chemical that enabled bears —

[ show a bear squat in the woods, as the image dissolves into a similar pose of the bear sitting on a toilet inside of a house ]

Narrator V/O: — to evolve an fill the void left by humans.

[ show other bears walking through the city wwearing business suits and carrying briefcases ]

Narrator V/O: And, within two weeks, they had established.. Bear City.

Jingle: “Bear City. Bear, Bear City.”

[ show the bears interacting like humans — stepping out of elevators, rading newspapers, etc. ]

Narrator V/O: Although they couldn’t talk, the bears went about their lives just like Man had done.

[ show close-up of a boy and girl, named Rex Banter and Cynthia Davis ]

Narrator V/O: The only humans left in Bear City were two brave children —

[ the bears swarm in for the kill ]

Narrator V/O: And they were quickly eaten — by bears.

Jingle: “Bear City. Bear, Bear City.”

Narrator V/O: Tonight: “Buying a Pack of Smokes.”

[ fade up on the exterior of a Chevron gas station, as a Bear in a busniess suit parks his SUV, activates the alarm, and approaches the convenience counter. The Bear grunts at a second bear who’s leaving the counter. ] [ the coutner is manned by a Panda Bear, who acknowledges the Bear’s growl by facing the cigarette wall ] [ the Bear is displeased; the Panda Bear has pointed to the wrong brand of cigarettes. The Bear growls his request again; the Panda Bear still gets it wrong, and the two argue the matter for quite some time – often with arms surrendered in the air – until the Panda Bear finally grabs the correct brand of cigarettes. ] [ the Bear grabs his pack of cigarettes and pays for them, then gives the Panda Bear a dirty look before exiting the convenience area. The Panda Bear looks at the camera to acknowledge that he thinks the Bear is an idiot, too. ]

Narrator V/O: Thanks for visiting Bear City.

[ dissolve to title card: “Written and Directed by T. Sean Shannon” ] [ fade ]

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