SNL Transcripts: Paris Hilton: 02/05/05:


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Paul….Seth Meyers
Paul’s wife….Amy Poehler
Gary B. Anthony….Chris Parnell

[Opens with an attractive yuppie couple elegantly dressed in expensive skiing gear. They are standing on a snow covered hill. Ski lifts are behind them.]

Paul: We’re pretty well off financially but we also have a fairly expensive lifestyle and frankly maintaining that lifestyle is important to us.

Wife: That’s why when Paul and I decided to have kids we made ourselves a promise….we’re not gonna spend a lot of money raising them.

[Cut to a man in a suit. He’s in a good mood]

Gary B. Anthony: Who says you have to?

Caption: Gary B. Anthony. CEO

Gary B. Anthony: Hello, I’m Gary B. Anthony. And if you’re spending more than 5% of your disposable income feeding, clothing and caring for your children you are literally throwing your money away. That’s why I created We search the world to bring you incredible savings. Like this children’s car safety seats.

Caption: Children’s car safety seats. Price: $2.19

[Car safety seat is made out of wood, safety belt is a string of rope, seat is a flimsy cushion]

Our Nigerian suppliers calls this “factory seconds” but we can’t tell the difference and we doubt your child will either. And from the Czech Republic, these semi-flame retardant infant’s pajamas—

[3 pajamas on display]

Caption: Infant Pajamas. Price: 3 for 99 cents.

–also factory seconds, 3 for 99 cents. And if you’re always losing binkies, you’ll appreciate this assortment of over 400 pre-owned pacifiers and teething rings from our associates in Haiti.

[Cut to box filled with used pacifiers. They are thrown in the box]

Caption: Pre-owned pacifiers. Price: $1.49 per box.

[Cut to swanky apartment. Paul and his wife are surfing the net on their laptop. Their baby is on the floor in the back. The baby coos and plugs a power drill to the electrical socket on the wall]

Paul: Great. I just saved us $600.

Wife: [laughs] That’s a day of snorkeling in St. Lucia.

[They laugh and high-five each other. We can hear the power drill whirring.] [cut to Gary]

Gary B. Anthony: Because when it comes to your children, why pay more?

Caption: When it comes to your children, why pay more?


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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