Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 11
Paul’s wife….Amy Poehler
Gary B. Anthony….Chris Parnell
[Opens with an attractive yuppie couple elegantly dressed in expensive skiing gear. They are standing on a snow covered hill. Ski lifts are behind them.]
Paul: We’re pretty well off financially but we also have a fairly expensive lifestyle and frankly maintaining that lifestyle is important to us.
Wife: That’s why when Paul and I decided to have kids we made ourselves a promise….we’re not gonna spend a lot of money raising them.
[Cut to a man in a suit. He’s in a good mood]
Gary B. Anthony: Who says you have to?
Caption: Gary B. Anthony. CEO cheapkids.net
Gary B. Anthony: Hello, I’m Gary B. Anthony. And if you’re spending more than 5% of your disposable income feeding, clothing and caring for your children you are literally throwing your money away. That’s why I created cheapkids.net. We search the world to bring you incredible savings. Like this children’s car safety seats.
Caption: Children’s car safety seats. Price: $2.19
[Car safety seat is made out of wood, safety belt is a string of rope, seat is a flimsy cushion]
Our Nigerian suppliers calls this “factory seconds” but we can’t tell the difference and we doubt your child will either. And from the Czech Republic, these semi-flame retardant infant’s pajamas—
[3 pajamas on display]
Caption: Infant Pajamas. Price: 3 for 99 cents.
–also factory seconds, 3 for 99 cents. And if you’re always losing binkies, you’ll appreciate this assortment of over 400 pre-owned pacifiers and teething rings from our associates in Haiti.
[Cut to box filled with used pacifiers. They are thrown in the box]
Caption: Pre-owned pacifiers. Price: $1.49 per box.
[Cut to swanky apartment. Paul and his wife are surfing the net on their laptop. Their baby is on the floor in the back. The baby coos and plugs a power drill to the electrical socket on the wall]
Paul: Great. I just saved us $600.
Wife: [laughs] That’s a day of snorkeling in St. Lucia.
[They laugh and high-five each other. We can hear the power drill whirring.]
[cut to Gary]
Gary B. Anthony: cheapkids.net. Because when it comes to your children, why pay more?
Caption: cheapkids.net. When it comes to your children, why pay more?
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel