SNL Transcripts: Paris Hilton: 02/05/05:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Paul….Seth Meyers
Paul’s wife….Amy Poehler
Gary B. Anthony….Chris Parnell

[Opens with an attractive yuppie couple elegantly dressed in expensive skiing gear. They are standing on a snow covered hill. Ski lifts are behind them.]

Paul: We’re pretty well off financially but we also have a fairly expensive lifestyle and frankly maintaining that lifestyle is important to us.

Wife: That’s why when Paul and I decided to have kids we made ourselves a promise….we’re not gonna spend a lot of money raising them.

[Cut to a man in a suit. He’s in a good mood]

Gary B. Anthony: Who says you have to?

Caption: Gary B. Anthony. CEO

Gary B. Anthony: Hello, I’m Gary B. Anthony. And if you’re spending more than 5% of your disposable income feeding, clothing and caring for your children you are literally throwing your money away. That’s why I created We search the world to bring you incredible savings. Like this children’s car safety seats.

Caption: Children’s car safety seats. Price: $2.19

[Car safety seat is made out of wood, safety belt is a string of rope, seat is a flimsy cushion]

Our Nigerian suppliers calls this “factory seconds” but we can’t tell the difference and we doubt your child will either. And from the Czech Republic, these semi-flame retardant infant’s pajamas—

[3 pajamas on display]

Caption: Infant Pajamas. Price: 3 for 99 cents.

–also factory seconds, 3 for 99 cents. And if you’re always losing binkies, you’ll appreciate this assortment of over 400 pre-owned pacifiers and teething rings from our associates in Haiti.

[Cut to box filled with used pacifiers. They are thrown in the box]

Caption: Pre-owned pacifiers. Price: $1.49 per box.

[Cut to swanky apartment. Paul and his wife are surfing the net on their laptop. Their baby is on the floor in the back. The baby coos and plugs a power drill to the electrical socket on the wall]

Paul: Great. I just saved us $600.

Wife: [laughs] That’s a day of snorkeling in St. Lucia.

[They laugh and high-five each other. We can hear the power drill whirring.] [cut to Gary]

Gary B. Anthony: Because when it comes to your children, why pay more?

Caption: When it comes to your children, why pay more?


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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