SNL Transcripts: Paris Hilton: 02/05/05: Exclusive Connections

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Exclusive Connections

Hostess…..Paris Hilton
Trixie…..Amy Poehler
Christy…..Tina Fey
Warren Grabowski…..Fred Armisen
Candy…..Maya Rudolph
Trekkie…..Horatio Sanz
Lexis…..Rachel Dratch
Hobbit…..Seth Meyers

Hostess: [sultry voice] Hey boys, feeling lonely tonight? Wanna chat with some of the most beautiful women in the world? At Exclusive Connections [title: “Exclusive Connections”], we know what kind of guy is calling a sex line at three in the morning [title fades], and we know exactly what turns you on. This is Trixie. [shot widens to include a woman wearing a pointy blue wizard’s hat and matching cape] She’s a Level 8 Dungeon Master, ready to serve all your D&D fantasies.

Trixie: [sultry voice] What’s that baby? You’re a Level 5 Chaotic Evil Half-Orc? Oh, that makes me so hot. I’m a Lawful Neutral Druidic Monk with +5 melee range, Boots of Levitation, and a big, sharp Vorpal Sword. I want you to cast a saving throw, baby! Roll your twelve-sided die and cast it! Cast it!

Hostess: [sultry voice] Mmmmm…that sounds sexy. But that’s not all. If D&D’s not your thing, and you’d rather be in a galaxy far, far away, this here’s Christy. [shot widens to show a woman dressed exactly like Princess Leia at the beginning of A New Hope] She just got back from a trip to Dagobah, and boy is she lonely.

Christy: [sultry voice] So, what’s your name?

[screen splits to show a man wearing thick-rimmed glasses and a Star Wars tee-shirt, on the other end of the line]

Warren: Warren Grabowski.

Christy: [sultry voice] Help me, Warren Grabowski, you’re my only hope.

Warren: I like that. Tell me I’m a nerf herder!

Christy: [sultry voice] You know what you are, Warren? You’re a stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder.

Warren: [rapturously] Oh, God, yes!

Hostess: [sultry voice] Say hello to Candy. [shot widens to show a woman dressed exactly like Uhura from Star Trek] She just got her massage license on Rigel VII, and she wants to go where no man has gone before.

Candy: [sultry voice] You know what time it is, baby? It’s the Vulcan mating season of Pon Farr. Much like the eel-birds of Regulus V, if I don’t find a mate, I’ll die.

[screen splits to show an overweight man wearing glasses and a yellow Star Trek uniform, on the other end of the line]

Trekkie: I’m giving myself the Vulcan Nerve Pinch right now. [displays hand with index and middle fingers splayed apart from ring and pinky, and moves his hand below his waist] Oooooh!

Candy: [sultry voice] Oooh, yeah, I like that. I wanna do something logical to you, baby.

Trekkie: Oh, that’s nice!

Hostess: [sultry voice] Still haven’t found what you’re looking for? Why don’t you take a trip around the Misty Mountains to the Gap of Rohan, all the way to Rivendell, to meet our very own Elven princess, Lexis. [shot widens to show a woman with fake Elven ears and a diadem on her forehead]

Lexis: [sultry voice] You’ve been a bad Hobbit, haven’t you?

[screen splits to show a man wearing a grey cloak fastened by a leaf-shaped clasp, rocking vigorously in a chair, on the other end of the line]

Hobbit: I have been a bad Hobbit, yes.

Lexis: [sultry voice] Well, bad Hobbits get sent to Mordor.

Hobbit: But I want to go back to the Shire. Take me back to Eriador.

Lexis: [sultry voice] Oh, you’re going to Mordor, all right. First we’re going all the way to Minas Morgul.

Hobbit: Okay, that’s good.

Lexis: [sultry voice] We’re going to take the long way around the plateau of Golgoroth.

Hobbit: Okay, I can’t take it!

Lexis: [sultry voice] Then we’re going right to the tippy-top of Barad-Dûr.

Hobbit: Yes!

Hostess: [sultry voice] Operators are standing by. Who knows, one of them might be me. Does Doctor Who turn you on, baby? Well, I’m getting into my TARDIS right now. [shot widens to show other operators behind her: a Stormtrooper, a woman with green hair and skin, and a leather-clad woman with white hair and red skin] Oooh, I better put on my big, floppy hat and scarf. [she puts on these garments] I hope I don’t find any Daleks here. Are you a Dalek, baby? Do you want to exterminate me? Call today.

[flashing title: “1-800-555-0199”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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