Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 11
Warren Grabowski…..Fred Armisen
Hostess: [sultry voice] Hey boys, feeling lonely tonight? Wanna chat with some of the most beautiful women in the world? At Exclusive Connections [title: “Exclusive Connections”], we know what kind of guy is calling a sex line at three in the morning [title fades], and we know exactly what turns you on. This is Trixie. [shot widens to include a woman wearing a pointy blue wizard’s hat and matching cape] She’s a Level 8 Dungeon Master, ready to serve all your D&D fantasies.
Trixie: [sultry voice] What’s that baby? You’re a Level 5 Chaotic Evil Half-Orc? Oh, that makes me so hot. I’m a Lawful Neutral Druidic Monk with +5 melee range, Boots of Levitation, and a big, sharp Vorpal Sword. I want you to cast a saving throw, baby! Roll your twelve-sided die and cast it! Cast it!
Hostess: [sultry voice] Mmmmm…that sounds sexy. But that’s not all. If D&D’s not your thing, and you’d rather be in a galaxy far, far away, this here’s Christy. [shot widens to show a woman dressed exactly like Princess Leia at the beginning of A New Hope] She just got back from a trip to Dagobah, and boy is she lonely.
Christy: [sultry voice] So, what’s your name?[screen splits to show a man wearing thick-rimmed glasses and a Star Wars tee-shirt, on the other end of the line]
Warren: Warren Grabowski.
Christy: [sultry voice] Help me, Warren Grabowski, you’re my only hope.
Warren: I like that. Tell me I’m a nerf herder!
Christy: [sultry voice] You know what you are, Warren? You’re a stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder.
Warren: [rapturously] Oh, God, yes!
Hostess: [sultry voice] Say hello to Candy. [shot widens to show a woman dressed exactly like Uhura from Star Trek] She just got her massage license on Rigel VII, and she wants to go where no man has gone before.
Candy: [sultry voice] You know what time it is, baby? It’s the Vulcan mating season of Pon Farr. Much like the eel-birds of Regulus V, if I don’t find a mate, I’ll die.[screen splits to show an overweight man wearing glasses and a yellow Star Trek uniform, on the other end of the line]
Trekkie: I’m giving myself the Vulcan Nerve Pinch right now. [displays hand with index and middle fingers splayed apart from ring and pinky, and moves his hand below his waist] Oooooh!
Candy: [sultry voice] Oooh, yeah, I like that. I wanna do something logical to you, baby.
Trekkie: Oh, that’s nice!
Hostess: [sultry voice] Still haven’t found what you’re looking for? Why don’t you take a trip around the Misty Mountains to the Gap of Rohan, all the way to Rivendell, to meet our very own Elven princess, Lexis. [shot widens to show a woman with fake Elven ears and a diadem on her forehead]
Lexis: [sultry voice] You’ve been a bad Hobbit, haven’t you?
Hobbit: I have been a bad Hobbit, yes.
Lexis: [sultry voice] Well, bad Hobbits get sent to Mordor.
Hobbit: But I want to go back to the Shire. Take me back to Eriador.
Lexis: [sultry voice] Oh, you’re going to Mordor, all right. First we’re going all the way to Minas Morgul.
Hobbit: Okay, that’s good.
Lexis: [sultry voice] We’re going to take the long way around the plateau of Golgoroth.
Hobbit: Okay, I can’t take it!
Lexis: [sultry voice] Then we’re going right to the tippy-top of Barad-Dûr.
Hostess: [sultry voice] Operators are standing by. Who knows, one of them might be me. Does Doctor Who turn you on, baby? Well, I’m getting into my TARDIS right now. [shot widens to show other operators behind her: a Stormtrooper, a woman with green hair and skin, and a leather-clad woman with white hair and red skin] Oooh, I better put on my big, floppy hat and scarf. [she puts on these garments] I hope I don’t find any Daleks here. Are you a Dalek, baby? Do you want to exterminate me? Call today.[flashing title: “1-800-555-0199”]
Submitted by: DavidK93