SNL Transcripts: Paris Hilton: 02/05/05: Exclusive Connections


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Exclusive Connections

Hostess…..Paris Hilton
Trixie…..Amy Poehler
Christy…..Tina Fey
Warren Grabowski…..Fred Armisen
Candy…..Maya Rudolph
Trekkie…..Horatio Sanz
Lexis…..Rachel Dratch
Hobbit…..Seth Meyers

Hostess: [sultry voice] Hey boys, feeling lonely tonight? Wanna chat with some of the most beautiful women in the world? At Exclusive Connections [title: “Exclusive Connections”], we know what kind of guy is calling a sex line at three in the morning [title fades], and we know exactly what turns you on. This is Trixie. [shot widens to include a woman wearing a pointy blue wizard’s hat and matching cape] She’s a Level 8 Dungeon Master, ready to serve all your D&D fantasies.

Trixie: [sultry voice] What’s that baby? You’re a Level 5 Chaotic Evil Half-Orc? Oh, that makes me so hot. I’m a Lawful Neutral Druidic Monk with +5 melee range, Boots of Levitation, and a big, sharp Vorpal Sword. I want you to cast a saving throw, baby! Roll your twelve-sided die and cast it! Cast it!

Hostess: [sultry voice] Mmmmm…that sounds sexy. But that’s not all. If D&D’s not your thing, and you’d rather be in a galaxy far, far away, this here’s Christy. [shot widens to show a woman dressed exactly like Princess Leia at the beginning of A New Hope] She just got back from a trip to Dagobah, and boy is she lonely.

Christy: [sultry voice] So, what’s your name?

[screen splits to show a man wearing thick-rimmed glasses and a Star Wars tee-shirt, on the other end of the line]

Warren: Warren Grabowski.

Christy: [sultry voice] Help me, Warren Grabowski, you’re my only hope.

Warren: I like that. Tell me I’m a nerf herder!

Christy: [sultry voice] You know what you are, Warren? You’re a stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder.

Warren: [rapturously] Oh, God, yes!

Hostess: [sultry voice] Say hello to Candy. [shot widens to show a woman dressed exactly like Uhura from Star Trek] She just got her massage license on Rigel VII, and she wants to go where no man has gone before.

Candy: [sultry voice] You know what time it is, baby? It’s the Vulcan mating season of Pon Farr. Much like the eel-birds of Regulus V, if I don’t find a mate, I’ll die.

[screen splits to show an overweight man wearing glasses and a yellow Star Trek uniform, on the other end of the line]

Trekkie: I’m giving myself the Vulcan Nerve Pinch right now. [displays hand with index and middle fingers splayed apart from ring and pinky, and moves his hand below his waist] Oooooh!

Candy: [sultry voice] Oooh, yeah, I like that. I wanna do something logical to you, baby.

Trekkie: Oh, that’s nice!

Hostess: [sultry voice] Still haven’t found what you’re looking for? Why don’t you take a trip around the Misty Mountains to the Gap of Rohan, all the way to Rivendell, to meet our very own Elven princess, Lexis. [shot widens to show a woman with fake Elven ears and a diadem on her forehead]

Lexis: [sultry voice] You’ve been a bad Hobbit, haven’t you?

[screen splits to show a man wearing a grey cloak fastened by a leaf-shaped clasp, rocking vigorously in a chair, on the other end of the line]

Hobbit: I have been a bad Hobbit, yes.

Lexis: [sultry voice] Well, bad Hobbits get sent to Mordor.

Hobbit: But I want to go back to the Shire. Take me back to Eriador.

Lexis: [sultry voice] Oh, you’re going to Mordor, all right. First we’re going all the way to Minas Morgul.

Hobbit: Okay, that’s good.

Lexis: [sultry voice] We’re going to take the long way around the plateau of Golgoroth.

Hobbit: Okay, I can’t take it!

Lexis: [sultry voice] Then we’re going right to the tippy-top of Barad-Dûr.

Hobbit: Yes!

Hostess: [sultry voice] Operators are standing by. Who knows, one of them might be me. Does Doctor Who turn you on, baby? Well, I’m getting into my TARDIS right now. [shot widens to show other operators behind her: a Stormtrooper, a woman with green hair and skin, and a leather-clad woman with white hair and red skin] Oooh, I better put on my big, floppy hat and scarf. [she puts on these garments] I hope I don’t find any Daleks here. Are you a Dalek, baby? Do you want to exterminate me? Call today.

[flashing title: “1-800-555-0199”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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