Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 11
Simon Cowell….Chris Parnell
Paula Abdul….Amy Poehler
Randy Jackson….Kenan Thompson
Blond Contestant….Maya Rudolph
Fat Lady Constestant….Horatio Sanz
Torso Contestant….Will Forte
Blond Contestant:[sings off-key]I feel the earth move under my feet, I feel the sky tumbling down, tumbling down…my heart starts trembling whenever you’re around…oh lady when you hear me….[Simon, Randy and Paula look at her from the judges chairs]
Simon Cowell: [British accent]How do you think you did?
Blond Contestant: [surprisingly sincere] Not too shabby.
Simon Cowell: We have got some of the worst people I have ever seen. Not just the singing. Just awful, awful people.[A fat lady in an ugly green t-shirt with one tooth mangles Jeniffer Lopez’s hit “Jenny from the block”]
Fat Lady Contestant: [sings horribly] Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got, I’m still, I’m still Jenny from the block, don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got, I’m still, I’m still Jenny, Jenny, Jenny from the block[the judges look in horror] and a little, got a little for what you’re not, I’m still, i’m still, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny from the block. Block, diddy, rock, bop, bop, bop, bop. Oh, and I got my rocks. Yeah!
Simon Cowell: You’re not serious are you?
Randy Jackson: Dawg, come on. You’re goofin’ on us, dawg.
Fat Lady Contestant: I’m not goofin’ on no one Randy. I’m gonna be a star.
Paula Abdul: Honey, you really think you can sing?
Fat Lady Contestant: I know I can sing. Everybody I know says so!
Simon Cowell: Well get yourself a new everybody you know. Look the point is you’re horrible, your look, your talent.
Randy Jackson: I mean, the whole one-tooth thing, dawg. It just don’t work.
Fat Lady Contestant: [bitchy attitude] Well, let me tell you something! I got more talent in my one-tooth than you have in your whole face! And I ahve one thing that you’ll never have—personality and heart.
Simon Cowell: Ok, see you’re just copying William Hung.
Fat Lady Contestant: William who?
Simon Cowell: Please, go away.
Fat Lady Contestant: You go away!
Paula Abdul: What?
Fat Lady Contestant: Can I do another song?
All: No![Cut to Randy]
Randy Jackson: William Hung got a record deal. And now there’s a room full of people waiting to be William Hung, dawg. They know they bad, dawg.[Cut to Paula]
Paula Abdul: Its getting annoying. I mean, if I wanted to see someone with no hope of entertaining anybody, I would get up there myself.[cut to Simon]
Simon Cowell: I think the ones at the end of the day were the worst.[Cut to a torso of a man wearing a turban singing an unrecognizable song]
Torso Contestant: [sings like crap] On the wings of love and above the clouds the only place to fly-y-y-y….
Randy Jackson: Ok, all right, dawg. Ok, no more.
Torso Contestant: What?!
Simon Cowell: You’re a torso.
Torso Contestant: You’re a torso!
Simon Cowell: You’re not an idol.
Paula Abdul: Darling, you don’t have a lower body.
Torso Contestant: You don’t have a lower body![cut to Randy]
Randy Jackson: Dawg, there was maybe one person that I think maybe wasn’t putting us on. Dawg.[cut to mutant creature Qrplt*xk with a baby’s arm coming out of her skull, huge teeth, spit drooling goo. She’s mangling Dolly Parton’s song “I’ll always love you”]
Qrplt*xk: [almost mumbles singing] And I will always love you-u-u-u-u, I will always love you-u-u-u-u……
Simon Cowell: Ok, stop, stop.[Qrplt*xk drools heavily]The arm on your head.
Qrplt*xk: [points to it]This one?
Simon Cowell: Yes, that arm.[more disgusting drooling]Do you really believe you’re idol material?[more drooling]
Randy Jackson: I mean, there’s something there, dawg.
Simon Cowell: You’re going to Hollywood.[Qrplt*xk drools a big, slimy gob between her hideous teeth]
Qrplt*xk: Live from New York! Its Saturday Night![Saturday Night Live montage]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel