SNL Transcripts: Paris Hilton: 02/05/05: American Idol


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

American Idol

Simon Cowell….Chris Parnell
Paula Abdul….Amy Poehler
Randy Jackson….Kenan Thompson
Blond Contestant….Maya Rudolph
Fat Lady Constestant….Horatio Sanz
Torso Contestant….Will Forte
Qrplt*xk….Rachel Dratch

[American Idol Montage. A blond girl tries singing a Carole King song]

Blond Contestant:[sings off-key]I feel the earth move under my feet, I feel the sky tumbling down, tumbling down…my heart starts trembling whenever you’re around…oh lady when you hear me….

[Simon, Randy and Paula look at her from the judges chairs]

Simon Cowell: [British accent]How do you think you did?

Blond Contestant: [surprisingly sincere] Not too shabby.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon Cowell: We have got some of the worst people I have ever seen. Not just the singing. Just awful, awful people.

[A fat lady in an ugly green t-shirt with one tooth mangles Jeniffer Lopez’s hit “Jenny from the block”]

Fat Lady Contestant: [sings horribly] Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got, I’m still, I’m still Jenny from the block, don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got, I’m still, I’m still Jenny, Jenny, Jenny from the block[the judges look in horror] and a little, got a little for what you’re not, I’m still, i’m still, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny from the block. Block, diddy, rock, bop, bop, bop, bop. Oh, and I got my rocks. Yeah!

Simon Cowell: You’re not serious are you?

Randy Jackson: Dawg, come on. You’re goofin’ on us, dawg.

Fat Lady Contestant: I’m not goofin’ on no one Randy. I’m gonna be a star.

Paula Abdul: Honey, you really think you can sing?

Fat Lady Contestant: I know I can sing. Everybody I know says so!

Simon Cowell: Well get yourself a new everybody you know. Look the point is you’re horrible, your look, your talent.

Randy Jackson: I mean, the whole one-tooth thing, dawg. It just don’t work.

Fat Lady Contestant: [bitchy attitude] Well, let me tell you something! I got more talent in my one-tooth than you have in your whole face! And I ahve one thing that you’ll never have—personality and heart.

Simon Cowell: Ok, see you’re just copying William Hung.

Fat Lady Contestant: William who?

Simon Cowell: Please, go away.

Fat Lady Contestant: You go away!

Paula Abdul: What?

Fat Lady Contestant: Can I do another song?

All: No!

[Cut to Randy]

Randy Jackson: William Hung got a record deal. And now there’s a room full of people waiting to be William Hung, dawg. They know they bad, dawg.

[Cut to Paula]

Paula Abdul: Its getting annoying. I mean, if I wanted to see someone with no hope of entertaining anybody, I would get up there myself.

[cut to Simon]

Simon Cowell: I think the ones at the end of the day were the worst.

[Cut to a torso of a man wearing a turban singing an unrecognizable song]

Torso Contestant: [sings like crap] On the wings of love and above the clouds the only place to fly-y-y-y….

Randy Jackson: Ok, all right, dawg. Ok, no more.

Torso Contestant: What?!

Simon Cowell: You’re a torso.

Torso Contestant: You’re a torso!

Simon Cowell: You’re not an idol.

Paula Abdul: Darling, you don’t have a lower body.

Torso Contestant: You don’t have a lower body!

[cut to Randy]

Randy Jackson: Dawg, there was maybe one person that I think maybe wasn’t putting us on. Dawg.

[cut to mutant creature Qrplt*xk with a baby’s arm coming out of her skull, huge teeth, spit drooling goo. She’s mangling Dolly Parton’s song “I’ll always love you”]

Qrplt*xk: [almost mumbles singing] And I will always love you-u-u-u-u, I will always love you-u-u-u-u……

Simon Cowell: Ok, stop, stop.[Qrplt*xk drools heavily]The arm on your head.

Qrplt*xk: [points to it]This one?

Simon Cowell: Yes, that arm.[more disgusting drooling]Do you really believe you’re idol material?[more drooling]

Randy Jackson: I mean, there’s something there, dawg.

Simon Cowell: You’re going to Hollywood.

[Qrplt*xk drools a big, slimy gob between her hideous teeth]

Qrplt*xk: Live from New York! Its Saturday Night!

[Saturday Night Live montage]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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