Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Merv the Perv

Mervin Watson....Chris Parnell
Debbie Sterling....Paris Hilton
Trent Worthington....Seth Meyers
Girl 1....Amy Poehler
Girl 2....Maya Rudolph
Girl 3....Rachel Dratch

[Opens with the Germantown High School at night. A banner says "Welcome Class of 1985. 20Th Reunion. Music plays. Cut to inside the dance hall three girlfriends share a drink and talk.]

Girl 2: Wow, its weird seeing everyone again.

Girl 1: Did you guys see Mr. Johnson? He's all bald and wrinkly.

[Mervin Watson appears in his suit and tie]

Mervin Watson: Hey, if bald and wrinkly is your thing, you might wanna check out my Mr. Johnson.

Girl 3: Ugh, I can't believe it. Its Mervin Watson.

Mervin Watson: That's Merv "The Perv".[points]

[Cut to a montage of Mervin dancing on an over sized animated cartoon's shoulder, jumping down her cleavage and popping out of her skirt. He shrugs and we see some of Merv's horny faces.]

Jingle:[Mervin sings] I'm talking love, its a crazy roller-coaster ri-i-i-i-i-ide. I'm saying love, you know it comes from deep insi-i-i-ide. And now we're living and laughing and learning what is truly Merv "The Perv". That's Merv "The Perv".

[Back to dance hall]

Mervin Watson: So ladies, has it been 20 years? It seems like just yesterday I was hanging in the parking lot trying to get a cheerleader to make out with me. Oh, wait. It was yesterday.

Girl 1: Ugh. Its hard to believe that you almost went to the prom with Debbie Sterling.

Girl 2: Oh, I almost forgot about that.

[Cut to Germantown High School 20 years ago. 1985. Cut to a hallway. "Oh, yeah" plays. The 3 girls in the reunion are wearing 80's hairstyles and clothes. A hot blondie in a cheerleader's uniform comes out and joins the girls in the hallway.]

Debbie Sterling: Oh, my God, you guys. The prom is like in two weeks and I still don't have a date.

Girl 3: I thought you were going with Zack McCord.

Debbie Sterling: I was. But now he says he's going to that Queen concert. He sure loves Freddy Mercury.

Girl 1: Who could blame him? That mustache, those capes---what a hunk.

Girl 2: So who are you going with?

Debbie Sterling: I was thinking either Trent Worthington[cut to Trent all American boy good looks] or Merv "The Perv" Watson.[Merv has a perm, a Ghostbusters t-shirt, red shorts and is licking a Flashdance poster with Jeniffer Beals on it.]

Girl 1: Merv "The Perv"? He's gross.

Debbie Sterling: Yeah, but his dad has a Porsche.

Girl 3: Well, how are you going to decide?

Debbie Sterling: Trent, Merv, could I ask you guys some questions?

Mervin Watson: No need. I already got your answers. Never. 3 inches. Tyne Daly on a boat. And with my finger.

Debbie Sterling: What? Anyway, I'm serious. If we went out to the prom together, what would our night be like?

Trent Worthington: Well, I'd pick you up. Give you a dozen roses. Take you to a fancy dinner at Benihana. Then we go to the prom and dance all night long.

Debbie Sterling: Oh, that's so sweet. Merv?

Mervin Watson: Well, I'd pick you up in my dad's Porsche. We romantically peruse my stash of dirty magazines. I'd take off my pants when you weren't looking then I'd try to grab your booby.

Debbie Sterling: Wow, this decision is gonna be harder than I thought.

Mervin Watson: I'll tell you what's not gonna be harder than you thought.

Girl 3: If you keep talking like that I'm gonna get Mrs. Kwang over here and have you expelled.

Mervin Watson: Hey, if you get vice-principal Kwang over here the only thing that's gonna get expelled is about half and ounce of Merv's juice.

Girl 1: Ugh. Real mature, Merv.

Mervin Watson: More like premature but I recover quickly.

Debbie Sterling: Guys, cut it out! I'm trying to decide who I'm going to the prom with!

Girl 3: What's to decide? [to Trent]He's a dreamboat[to Merv] and he's a nightmare.

Mervin Watson: I had an nightmare once. I was on a boat with Loretta Swit and I couldn't get my pants off.

Debbie Sterling: Ok, guys. I'm serious. I like to take out guys who are well rounded. What sports do you play?

Trent Worthington: Uh, you know, soccer, track and uh, football.

Mervin Watson: I'm looking to play a little handball. Your hands, my ball. Who's in?

Debbie Sterling: Do you do any other school activities?

Trent Worthington: Well, I played the lead in the school's production of "Damn Yankees".

Mervin Watson: I'm currently playing the lead in my own production of "Ma'am Yank me" Please? Anybody? Yank me?

Debbie Sterling: Ok, I've made my decision. Trent, you're superhot, you're star of the football team and you're an amazing actor. And Merv, you're a disgusting pervert and I'm pretty sure you've been touching yourself this entire time I've been talking to you.

Mervin Watson: Guilty as charged, Mon Cherie.

Debbie Sterling: I'm gonna pick Trent.

Trent Worthington: Oh, awesome!

Girl 2: Thank God.

Girl 3: Yeah, good choice.

Mervin Watson: All right, fine. I get it. You don't want to go to prom with me. But don't you think that just because you didn't pick me I won't be there. I will be there. And I'll be hiding in the ladies room with my brand new, tiny portable camera.[lifts up a huge portable camera from the 80's] But for now I bid you farewell as I will be taking pants.[Merv rips his shorts off revealing a tight purple Speedo]

All: Aww, Merv!

Mervin Watson: That's Merv "The Perv".

Jingle: That's Merv "The Perv".

Mervin Watson:[sings Wang Chung's hit]Everybody chung wang tonight...[thumbs up]

Caption: Based on the comedy of Mervin Watson.

[cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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