SNL Transcripts: Paris Hilton: 02/05/05: Merv the Perv


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Merv the Perv

Mervin Watson….Chris Parnell
Debbie Sterling….Paris Hilton
Trent Worthington….Seth Meyers
Girl 1….Amy Poehler
Girl 2….Maya Rudolph
Girl 3….Rachel Dratch

[Opens with the Germantown High School at night. A bannersays “Welcome Class of 1985. 20Th Reunion. Music plays.Cut to inside the dance hall three girlfriends share a drinkand talk.]

Girl 2: Wow, its weird seeing everyone again.

Girl 1: Did you guys see Mr. Johnson? He’s all bald and wrinkly.

[Mervin Watson appears in his suit and tie]

Mervin Watson: Hey, if bald and wrinkly is your thing, youmight wanna check out my Mr. Johnson.

Girl 3: Ugh, I can’t believe it. Its Mervin Watson.

Mervin Watson: That’s Merv “The Perv”.[points] [Cut to a montage of Mervin dancing on an over sizedanimated cartoon’s shoulder, jumping down her cleavageand popping out of her skirt. He shrugs and we see some ofMerv’s horny faces.]

Jingle:[Mervin sings] I’m talking love, its a crazyroller-coaster ri-i-i-i-i-ide. I’m saying love, you knowit comes from deep insi-i-i-ide. And now we’re livingand laughing and learning what is truly Merv “ThePerv”. That’s Merv “The Perv”.

[Back to dance hall]

Mervin Watson: So ladies, has it been 20 years? It seemslike just yesterday I was hanging in the parking lot tryingto get a cheerleader to make out with me. Oh, wait. It was yesterday.

Girl 1: Ugh. Its hard to believe that you almost went to the prom with Debbie Sterling.

Girl 2: Oh, I almost forgot about that.

[Cut to Germantown High School 20 years ago. 1985. Cut to ahallway. “Oh, yeah” plays. The 3 girls in thereunion are wearing 80’s hairstyles and clothes. A hotblondie in a cheerleader’s uniform comes out and joinsthe girls in the hallway.]

Debbie Sterling: Oh, my God, you guys. The prom is like intwo weeks and I still don’t have a date.

Girl 3: I thought you were going with Zack McCord.

Debbie Sterling: I was. But now he says he’s going tothat Queen concert. He sure loves Freddy Mercury.

Girl 1: Who could blame him? That mustache, those capes—what a hunk.

Girl 2: So who are you going with?

Debbie Sterling: I was thinking either TrentWorthington[cut to Trent all American boy good looks] orMerv “The Perv” Watson.[Merv has a perm, aGhostbusters t-shirt, red shorts and is licking a Flashdanceposter with Jeniffer Beals on it.]

Girl 1: Merv “The Perv”? He’s gross.

Debbie Sterling: Yeah, but his dad has a Porsche.

Girl 3: Well, how are you going to decide?

Debbie Sterling: Trent, Merv, could I ask you guys some questions?

Mervin Watson: No need. I already got your answers. Never.3 inches. Tyne Daly on a boat. And with my finger.

Debbie Sterling: What? Anyway, I’m serious. If we wentout to the prom together, what would our night be like?

Trent Worthington: Well, I’d pick you up. Give you adozen roses. Take you to a fancy dinner at Benihana. Then wego to the prom and dance all night long.

Debbie Sterling: Oh, that’s so sweet. Merv?

Mervin Watson: Well, I’d pick you up in my dad’sPorsche. We romantically peruse my stash of dirty magazines.I’d take off my pants when you weren’t looking thenI’d try to grab your booby.

Debbie Sterling: Wow, this decision is gonna be harder than I thought.

Mervin Watson: I’ll tell you what’s not gonna be harder than you thought.

Girl 3: If you keep talking like that I’m gonna getMrs. Kwang over here and have you expelled.

Mervin Watson: Hey, if you get vice-principal Kwang overhere the only thing that’s gonna get expelled is about half and ounce of Merv’s juice.

Girl 1: Ugh. Real mature, Merv.

Mervin Watson: More like premature but I recover quickly.

Debbie Sterling: Guys, cut it out! I’m trying to decide who I’m going to the prom with!

Girl 3: What’s to decide? [to Trent]He’s a dreamboat[to Merv] and he’s a nightmare.

Mervin Watson: I had an nightmare once. I was on a boatwith Loretta Swit and I couldn’t get my pants off.

Debbie Sterling: Ok, guys. I’m serious. I like to takeout guys who are well rounded. What sports do you play?

Trent Worthington: Uh, you know, soccer, track and uh, football.

Mervin Watson: I’m looking to play a little handball. Your hands, my ball. Who’s in?

Debbie Sterling: Do you do any other school activities?

Trent Worthington: Well, I played the lead in the school’s production of “Damn Yankees”.

Mervin Watson: I’m currently playing the lead in my ownproduction of “Ma’am Yank me” Please? Anybody? Yank me?

Debbie Sterling: Ok, I’ve made my decision. Trent,you’re superhot, you’re star of the football teamand you’re an amazing actor. And Merv, you’re adisgusting pervert and I’m pretty sure you’ve beentouching yourself this entire time I’ve been talking to you.

Mervin Watson: Guilty as charged, Mon Cherie.

Debbie Sterling: I’m gonna pick Trent.

Trent Worthington: Oh, awesome!

Girl 2: Thank God.

Girl 3: Yeah, good choice.

Mervin Watson: All right, fine. I get it. You don’twant to go to prom with me. But don’t you think thatjust because you didn’t pick me I won’t be there. Iwill be there. And I’ll be hiding in the ladies roomwith my brand new, tiny portable camera.[lifts up a hugeportable camera from the 80’s] But for now I bid youfarewell as I will be taking off….my pants.[Merv rips hisshorts off revealing a tight purple Speedo]

All: Aww, Merv!

Mervin Watson: That’s Merv “The Perv”.

Jingle: That’s Merv “The Perv”.

Mervin Watson:[sings Wang Chung’s hit]Everybody chungwang tonight…[thumbs up]

Caption: Based on the comedy of Mervin Watson.

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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