SNL Transcripts: Paris Hilton: 02/05/05: The Expensive Purse



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11



04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

The Expensive Purse

Salesman……Chris Parnell
Porscha…….Paris Hilton
Dustin…….Seth Meyers
Starkeesha…..Finesse Mitchell
Malik……Kenan Thompson

[ open on Salesman talking on the phone ]

Salesman: I know! Exactly. And they are never as big as they seem like they’re going — [ sees Dustin and Porscha enter ] I have to go. Smooch. [ hangs up ] Yes? Can I help you?

Dustin: Yeah, I guess my girlfriend’s having some sort of purse emergency.

Porscha: Don’t start with me, Dustin.

Dustin: Yeah, but you already have a purse.

Porscha: You just don’t understand purse shoppin’! Can I see that one? Oh this is so gorgeous! I love the double buckle.

[ Starkeesha and her boyfriend, Malik, are also in the store ]

Malik: Yo why you had to test all the perfume on my wrists?

Starkeesha: Shut up, Malik! I’m purse shopping. [ glances at the purse Porscha is looking at ] Ooh, look at this purse!

Porscha: Oh actually, I’m looking at that one.

Starkeesha: Excuse me, sales associate, can you tell me more about this Louis Vinton purse, please?

Porscha: It’s mine, honey.

Starkeesha: And your point is?

Porscha: My point is you need to back up out of my shopping space!

Starkeesha: What? No, what?!

Malik: Starkeesha!

Starkeesha: What?!

Malik: Let’s go, man. I feel like people are looking at me.

Starkeesha: Well, put the shirt back, then!

[Malik throws shirt at counter and walks away]

Salesman: Um, this is from his spring collection. I really love the cross-stitching.

Porscha: Oh, it’s exquisite!

Starkeesha: [pushes Porscha’s face away] Oh, it is exquisite. This is probably the best cross-stitching I’ve seen this season.

Salesman: Uh, the exterior is all ostrich, and the interior is calf.

Porscha: Oh, I love ostrich.

Starkeesha: I love ostrich.

Porscha: I loved the ostrich first!

Both: I’ll take it!

Porscha: Oh no you didn’t!

Starkeesha: Oh yes I did!

Porscha: Oh no you didn’t!

Starkeesha: Oh yes I did!

Porscha: Oh, yes you did.

Starkeesha: Oh no I didn’t!

Porscha: Oh! You didn’t? Great, I’ll take the purse.

Starkeesha: [confused] Wait a minute, wait a minute. What just happened?

[Malik runs into view]

Malik: Yo you just got Bugs-Bunnied!

Starkeesha: Get, get out! [pushes Malik away]

Porscha: So, how much is it?

Salesman: It’s three.

Porscha: Will you take a check?

Salesman: Yes, with proper ID.

Starkeesha: Oh well, wait a minute. Will you take Triple A?

Salesman: No.

Starkeesha: [calls Malik]

Malik: Business or pleasure?

Starkeesha: Business, if you ever wanna get some pleasure again. Give me three hundred dollars.

Malik: I ain’t got three hundred dollars.

Starkeesha: You are so stupid! I hate you! Remind me to break up with you later!

Malik: Yeah, I will do that!

[both hang up and glare at each other, standing three feet away]

Starkeesha: [sighs] You know what, girl? Since you over here begging for this purse, and I already have this purse in a different ostrich, you can take it.

Porscha: I guess your broke-ass can’t afford it.

Starkeesha: See, I tried to be nice, see.

Porscha: Here you go, clerk, three hundred dollars.

Salesman: Um, it’s three thousand dollars.

Porscha: Say WHAT?! Three thousand WHAT?!

Starkeesha: Oh damn! How many ostriches did ya’ll use? I don’t believe that! Uh, go on and write that check for three thousand dollars, girl.

Porscha: You know what? I can totally do it if I wanted to, but come to think of it, I’d like to see the purse in a smaller version.

Starkeesha: Uh, you know what, uh, me too.

Salesman: All right. [takes out another purse] Well, this one is fifteen hundred.

Starkeesha and Porscha: [look at each other] Smaller.

Salesman: [takes out another purse] This one is nine hundred.

Starkeesha and Porscha: Smaller.

Porscha: How about a sunglass case?

Starkeesha: How about a luggage tag?

Salesman: [takes out smallest purse] This is for contact lenses. It goes for two.

Porscha: Now when you say two..

Starkeesha: You mean too damn small.

Salesman: It’s two hundred dollars.

Porscha: Mmm, lemme ask me boyfriend. [yells] DUSTIN!

Starkeesha: Malik!

[Dustin and Malik walk over]

Dustin: Yeah?

Porscha: Give me two hundred dollars for this contact lens case.

Dustin: [takes out wallet] Okay, let me check, checking, checking, checking, no.

Starkeesha: Malik. Give me two hundred dollars.

Malik: Oh okay, let me check. Checkin’, checkin’, checkin’. I ain’t got it. But I do have this Totes umbrella.

Starkeesha: You are so ignorant, stop stealin’! [takes umbrella and hits Malik with it]

Salesman: I get the distinct feeling you ladies won’t be buying anything today.

Starkeesha: Oh no you did not just get an attitude with us.

Porscha: Oh he so got an attitude with us.

Starkeesha: You can’t talk to me and my friend – what’s your name, girl?

Porscha: Porscha.

Starkeesha: You can’t talk to me and my friend Porscha like that. We are outta here!

Porscha: [sighs] You know?

Starkeesha: What?

Porscha: I know where I can get this purse and matching jacket for twenty bucks.

Starkeesha and Porscha: Chinatown!

Porscha: [to salesman] Good day, rude person.

Starkeesha: Good day, ’cause we won’t buy your purses ’til you bring your prices down, so me and my friend Porscha, are going to Chinatown!

[Starkeesha, Porscha, Malik, and Dustin dance out the doorway]

Submitted by: Doro

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