SNL Transcripts: Paris Hilton: 02/05/05: The Expensive Purse


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

The Expensive Purse

Salesman……Chris Parnell
Porscha…….Paris Hilton
Dustin…….Seth Meyers
Starkeesha…..Finesse Mitchell
Malik……Kenan Thompson

[ open on Salesman talking on the phone ]

Salesman: I know! Exactly. And they are never as big as they seem like they’re going — [ sees Dustin and Porscha enter ] I have to go. Smooch. [ hangs up ] Yes? Can I help you?

Dustin: Yeah, I guess my girlfriend’s having some sort of purse emergency.

Porscha: Don’t start with me, Dustin.

Dustin: Yeah, but you already have a purse.

Porscha: You just don’t understand purse shoppin’! Can I see that one? Oh this is so gorgeous! I love the double buckle.

[ Starkeesha and her boyfriend, Malik, are also in the store ]

Malik: Yo why you had to test all the perfume on my wrists?

Starkeesha: Shut up, Malik! I’m purse shopping. [ glances at the purse Porscha is looking at ] Ooh, look at this purse!

Porscha: Oh actually, I’m looking at that one.

Starkeesha: Excuse me, sales associate, can you tell me more about this Louis Vinton purse, please?

Porscha: It’s mine, honey.

Starkeesha: And your point is?

Porscha: My point is you need to back up out of my shopping space!

Starkeesha: What? No, what?!

Malik: Starkeesha!

Starkeesha: What?!

Malik: Let’s go, man. I feel like people are looking at me.

Starkeesha: Well, put the shirt back, then!

[Malik throws shirt at counter and walks away]

Salesman: Um, this is from his spring collection. I really love the cross-stitching.

Porscha: Oh, it’s exquisite!

Starkeesha: [pushes Porscha’s face away] Oh, it is exquisite. This is probably the best cross-stitching I’ve seen this season.

Salesman: Uh, the exterior is all ostrich, and the interior is calf.

Porscha: Oh, I love ostrich.

Starkeesha: I love ostrich.

Porscha: I loved the ostrich first!

Both: I’ll take it!

Porscha: Oh no you didn’t!

Starkeesha: Oh yes I did!

Porscha: Oh no you didn’t!

Starkeesha: Oh yes I did!

Porscha: Oh, yes you did.

Starkeesha: Oh no I didn’t!

Porscha: Oh! You didn’t? Great, I’ll take the purse.

Starkeesha: [confused] Wait a minute, wait a minute. What just happened?

[Malik runs into view]

Malik: Yo you just got Bugs-Bunnied!

Starkeesha: Get, get out! [pushes Malik away]

Porscha: So, how much is it?

Salesman: It’s three.

Porscha: Will you take a check?

Salesman: Yes, with proper ID.

Starkeesha: Oh well, wait a minute. Will you take Triple A?

Salesman: No.

Starkeesha: [calls Malik]

Malik: Business or pleasure?

Starkeesha: Business, if you ever wanna get some pleasure again. Give me three hundred dollars.

Malik: I ain’t got three hundred dollars.

Starkeesha: You are so stupid! I hate you! Remind me to break up with you later!

Malik: Yeah, I will do that!

[both hang up and glare at each other, standing three feet away]

Starkeesha: [sighs] You know what, girl? Since you over here begging for this purse, and I already have this purse in a different ostrich, you can take it.

Porscha: I guess your broke-ass can’t afford it.

Starkeesha: See, I tried to be nice, see.

Porscha: Here you go, clerk, three hundred dollars.

Salesman: Um, it’s three thousand dollars.

Porscha: Say WHAT?! Three thousand WHAT?!

Starkeesha: Oh damn! How many ostriches did ya’ll use? I don’t believe that! Uh, go on and write that check for three thousand dollars, girl.

Porscha: You know what? I can totally do it if I wanted to, but come to think of it, I’d like to see the purse in a smaller version.

Starkeesha: Uh, you know what, uh, me too.

Salesman: All right. [takes out another purse] Well, this one is fifteen hundred.

Starkeesha and Porscha: [look at each other] Smaller.

Salesman: [takes out another purse] This one is nine hundred.

Starkeesha and Porscha: Smaller.

Porscha: How about a sunglass case?

Starkeesha: How about a luggage tag?

Salesman: [takes out smallest purse] This is for contact lenses. It goes for two.

Porscha: Now when you say two..

Starkeesha: You mean too damn small.

Salesman: It’s two hundred dollars.

Porscha: Mmm, lemme ask me boyfriend. [yells] DUSTIN!

Starkeesha: Malik!

[Dustin and Malik walk over]

Dustin: Yeah?

Porscha: Give me two hundred dollars for this contact lens case.

Dustin: [takes out wallet] Okay, let me check, checking, checking, checking, no.

Starkeesha: Malik. Give me two hundred dollars.

Malik: Oh okay, let me check. Checkin’, checkin’, checkin’. I ain’t got it. But I do have this Totes umbrella.

Starkeesha: You are so ignorant, stop stealin’! [takes umbrella and hits Malik with it]

Salesman: I get the distinct feeling you ladies won’t be buying anything today.

Starkeesha: Oh no you did not just get an attitude with us.

Porscha: Oh he so got an attitude with us.

Starkeesha: You can’t talk to me and my friend – what’s your name, girl?

Porscha: Porscha.

Starkeesha: You can’t talk to me and my friend Porscha like that. We are outta here!

Porscha: [sighs] You know?

Starkeesha: What?

Porscha: I know where I can get this purse and matching jacket for twenty bucks.

Starkeesha and Porscha: Chinatown!

Porscha: [to salesman] Good day, rude person.

Starkeesha: Good day, ’cause we won’t buy your purses ’til you bring your prices down, so me and my friend Porscha, are going to Chinatown!

[Starkeesha, Porscha, Malik, and Dustin dance out the doorway]

Submitted by: Doro

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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