Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 11
The Expensive Purse
Salesman……Chris Parnell
Porscha…….Paris Hilton
Dustin…….Seth Meyers
Starkeesha…..Finesse Mitchell
Malik……Kenan Thompson
[ open on Salesman talking on the phone ]
Salesman: I know! Exactly. And they are never as big as they seem like they’re going — [ sees Dustin and Porscha enter ] I have to go. Smooch. [ hangs up ] Yes? Can I help you?
Dustin: Yeah, I guess my girlfriend’s having some sort of purse emergency.
Porscha: Don’t start with me, Dustin.
Dustin: Yeah, but you already have a purse.
Porscha: You just don’t understand purse shoppin’! Can I see that one? Oh this is so gorgeous! I love the double buckle.
[ Starkeesha and her boyfriend, Malik, are also in the store ]
Malik: Yo why you had to test all the perfume on my wrists?
Starkeesha: Shut up, Malik! I’m purse shopping. [ glances at the purse Porscha is looking at ] Ooh, look at this purse!
Porscha: Oh actually, I’m looking at that one.
Starkeesha: Excuse me, sales associate, can you tell me more about this Louis Vinton purse, please?
Porscha: It’s mine, honey.
Starkeesha: And your point is?
Porscha: My point is you need to back up out of my shopping space!
Starkeesha: What? No, what?!
Malik: Starkeesha!
Starkeesha: What?!
Malik: Let’s go, man. I feel like people are looking at me.
Starkeesha: Well, put the shirt back, then!
[Malik throws shirt at counter and walks away]
Salesman: Um, this is from his spring collection. I really love the cross-stitching.
Porscha: Oh, it’s exquisite!
Starkeesha: [pushes Porscha’s face away] Oh, it is exquisite. This is probably the best cross-stitching I’ve seen this season.
Salesman: Uh, the exterior is all ostrich, and the interior is calf.
Porscha: Oh, I love ostrich.
Starkeesha: I love ostrich.
Porscha: I loved the ostrich first!
Both: I’ll take it!
Porscha: Oh no you didn’t!
Starkeesha: Oh yes I did!
Porscha: Oh no you didn’t!
Starkeesha: Oh yes I did!
Porscha: Oh, yes you did.
Starkeesha: Oh no I didn’t!
Porscha: Oh! You didn’t? Great, I’ll take the purse.
Starkeesha: [confused] Wait a minute, wait a minute. What just happened?
[Malik runs into view]
Malik: Yo you just got Bugs-Bunnied!
Starkeesha: Get, get out! [pushes Malik away]
Porscha: So, how much is it?
Salesman: It’s three.
Porscha: Will you take a check?
Salesman: Yes, with proper ID.
Starkeesha: Oh well, wait a minute. Will you take Triple A?
Salesman: No.
Starkeesha: [calls Malik]
Malik: Business or pleasure?
Starkeesha: Business, if you ever wanna get some pleasure again. Give me three hundred dollars.
Malik: I ain’t got three hundred dollars.
Starkeesha: You are so stupid! I hate you! Remind me to break up with you later!
Malik: Yeah, I will do that!
[both hang up and glare at each other, standing three feet away]
Starkeesha: [sighs] You know what, girl? Since you over here begging for this purse, and I already have this purse in a different ostrich, you can take it.
Porscha: I guess your broke-ass can’t afford it.
Starkeesha: See, I tried to be nice, see.
Porscha: Here you go, clerk, three hundred dollars.
Salesman: Um, it’s three thousand dollars.
Porscha: Say WHAT?! Three thousand WHAT?!
Starkeesha: Oh damn! How many ostriches did ya’ll use? I don’t believe that! Uh, go on and write that check for three thousand dollars, girl.
Porscha: You know what? I can totally do it if I wanted to, but come to think of it, I’d like to see the purse in a smaller version.
Starkeesha: Uh, you know what, uh, me too.
Salesman: All right. [takes out another purse] Well, this one is fifteen hundred.
Starkeesha and Porscha: [look at each other] Smaller.
Salesman: [takes out another purse] This one is nine hundred.
Starkeesha and Porscha: Smaller.
Porscha: How about a sunglass case?
Starkeesha: How about a luggage tag?
Salesman: [takes out smallest purse] This is for contact lenses. It goes for two.
Porscha: Now when you say two..
Starkeesha: You mean too damn small.
Salesman: It’s two hundred dollars.
Porscha: Mmm, lemme ask me boyfriend. [yells] DUSTIN!
Starkeesha: Malik!
[Dustin and Malik walk over]
Dustin: Yeah?
Porscha: Give me two hundred dollars for this contact lens case.
Dustin: [takes out wallet] Okay, let me check, checking, checking, checking, no.
Starkeesha: Malik. Give me two hundred dollars.
Malik: Oh okay, let me check. Checkin’, checkin’, checkin’. I ain’t got it. But I do have this Totes umbrella.
Starkeesha: You are so ignorant, stop stealin’! [takes umbrella and hits Malik with it]
Salesman: I get the distinct feeling you ladies won’t be buying anything today.
Starkeesha: Oh no you did not just get an attitude with us.
Porscha: Oh he so got an attitude with us.
Starkeesha: You can’t talk to me and my friend – what’s your name, girl?
Porscha: Porscha.
Starkeesha: You can’t talk to me and my friend Porscha like that. We are outta here!
Porscha: [sighs] You know?
Starkeesha: What?
Porscha: I know where I can get this purse and matching jacket for twenty bucks.
Starkeesha and Porscha: Chinatown!
Porscha: [to salesman] Good day, rude person.
Starkeesha: Good day, ’cause we won’t buy your purses ’til you bring your prices down, so me and my friend Porscha, are going to Chinatown!
[Starkeesha, Porscha, Malik, and Dustin dance out the doorway]
Submitted by: Doro
