SNL Transcripts: Paris Hilton: 02/05/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Donovan McNabb…..Finesse Mitchell
Charline McNabb…..Kenan Thompson
Little Man…..Fred Armisen
Daffodil…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

In his State of the Union address Wednesday, President Bush announced an initiative to help keep young people out of gangs. A new program called “Do Right And Follow Through.” [initials spelled out on screen]

Amy Poehler: Before delivering his State of the Union address, President Bush spent a few moments greeting members of Congress.

Amy Poehler V/O: “Senator…hello Senator…hello Senator…hello…”

[President Bush firmly shakes a black man’s hand]

“Yo, whazzup homes’, how you doin, brotha?”

Tina Fey: An estimated eight million Iraqis voted in Sunday’s election, and though the vote counting has yet to be completed, exit polls seem to indicate that the big winner is—wow, I did not expect this—Don Cheadle, for Hotel Rwanda! Congratulations, Don.

Amy Poehler: This week, the judge in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial selected 250 candidates for the jury pool, while Jackson himself has selected twenty for the kiddie pool. [applause]

This week, after interviewing Michael Jackson, Geraldo Rivera announced that he believes Jackson was framed, and said he’d shave off his moustache if Jackson were convicted, which makes me think Geraldo was already planning to shave his moustache.

You should be careful what you say, Geraldo. It could come back to haunt you. If anyone knows that, it’s me. Take a look.

Amy Poehler: And let me tell you something, if Scott Peterson’s convicted, I’ll shave my moustache! [applause]

Tina Fey: As everyone knows, tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday. Here to comment is Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, and his mom, star of the Chunky Soup commercials, Charline McNabb.

[pan to Donovan and Charline; applause]

Charline McNabb: Whoo! Evening, babies!

Donovan McNabb: What’s up?

Charline McNabb: I brought you some soup. Here, eat up, Miss Tina.

Tina Fey: Ah!

Charline McNabb: Chicken and rice is what you need. You are too skinny!

Tina Fey: Thank you, Mrs. McNabb. [tries a spoonful of the soup] Uh, this is ice cold.

Charline McNabb: Well, I ain’t gon’ cook it!

Donovan McNabb: Settle down, Mama, you gonna embarrass me.

Charline McNabb: Shoot, I’m a star, baby! I’m the best thing to happen to Campbell’s Soup since Andy Warhol. Whoo! McNabb!

Tina Fey: So- so Donovan, you’re finally playing in the Super Bowl tomorrow, but maybe without Terrell Owens. Uh, how do you feel about your chances?

Donovan McNabb: Oh, I feel great. We were a good team before Terrell, and we’ll be a good team without him.

Tina Fey: Mrs. McNabb, do you agree?

Charline McNabb: Hell no!

Donovan McNabb: Mama!

Charline McNabb: My baby is gonna get his ass whooped by the Patriots! [applause] They gon’ sack you. They gonna intercept you, physically beat you down. Pain! I mean, they are gonna knock you around, probably knock out a tooth, bust up your foot. I mean, you can run around all you want, but they gon’ catch you! And when they do, it is gonna hurt. Aww, damn!

Donovan McNabb: All due respect to my mama here, but I think we have a great chance tomorrow.

Charline McNabb: Donovan F. McNabb, did you see what those boys did to Peyton Manning? They tore his ass up! And you ain’t no Peyton Manning. Whoo-hoo, you gon’ be crying like that time I found you wearin’ my church clothes. [applause; Donovan gives his mother a dirty look] And you ain’t no Tom Brady neither. Boy, that boy is fine, I’m puttin’ my money with him!

Tina Fey: W- wait, you- you’re betting on the Patriots?

Charline McNabb: That’s right! I like my son, but I love my money. Patriots 35, Eagles 10, take my word. Now come on, baby, let’s go cheer you up with some tomato bisque.

Tina Fey: Aww. Donovan McNabb and his mother, everybody! [cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: According to reports, President Bush and John Kerry have a combined 23 million dollars left over from the 2004 presidential campaign, while Ralph Nader recently discovered some old gum in his hair.

Tina Fey: The Reverend Al Sharpton is teaming up with PETA to urge a boycott of KFC. PETA wants the fast food chain to improve standards of treatment for their poultry, while the Reverend simply prefers Popeye’s.

A man identified as an NYU professor was detained at LaGuardia Airport Thursday after human remains were found in his luggage. However, he was let go when he told authorities the body parts were “teaching tools.” Said the professor, “Teach that bitch to cheat on me.”

Amy Poehler: Insiders say that this year’s Super Bowl ads will not be as crass as last years, though I have it on good authority that halftime performer Paul McCartney’s gonna whip his dong out. [cheers and applause] That’s what I hear.

Tina Fey: This week, President Bush announced that he will—

[loud giggling is heard in the studio]

Did- did you hear that?

Amy Poehler: Yeah, what is that?

[more giggling; Tina and Amy notice something in front of them and gasp]

Tina Fey: Look!

[two little people jump onto the desk, accompanied by magical piano music. As the man begins to sing, the woman dances along with him]

Little man:
Weeeeeee- declare this a very good “Update,”
And it is fitful, we decree,
“This broadcast is hilarious,
As good as good can be!”

Amy Poehler: Oh! [she applauds]

Tina Fey: I’ve heard about these little guys. Legend has it that they have lived under the “Update” desk for almost thirty years!

[another piano intro; the little man begins to sing]

Little man: Weeeeeee—

Daffodil: [in a high-pitched voice]
Are very pleased to meet you!
It’s an honor just to greet you!
And now I’d like to treat you
To these flowers filled with sweet dew!

Tina Fey: Aww! Thank you! [both pick up the flowers]

Amy Poehler: Thank you! A little tiny flower! So Tina, these guys have been here since 1975?

Tina Fey: Yeah! I heard they crawled out of Elliott Gould’s moustache, and they’ve been here ever since.

[another piano intro]

Daffodil:
Look at all the people!
I’m sure you all agree

Little man:
Let it be known throughout the land
That this is the most definitively, undoubtedly,

Both: [spinning in a circle] Indubitably, irrefutably, indisputab—

Daffodil: Whaa—! [falls off the desk. The music continues to play]

Little man: Wait! Wait, wait! She really fell, she really fell! Stop the music! Stop the music. [begins to cry] Daffodil! Oh my God, she’s really hurt! Oh, no. Audience, we need your help! Only one thing can bring her back. Everyone, repeat after me: “I believe in magic!”

Tina, Amy, Audience: I believe in magic.

Little man: Oh, it’s working… “I believe in love!”

All: I believe in love.

Little man: Now everybody, snap your fingers. [Tina and Amy snap their fingers with the audience] Oh, it’s wonderful. Wiggle your ears! [Tina and Amy wiggle their ears] Now ladies, just the ladies, shake like this. [He wiggles his chest. Tina and Amy begin to shake like him] Really get ‘em going!

Tina Fey: Wait a minute!

Amy Poehler: What?

Tina Fey: That’s not–

Little man: I’m telling you, it’s the only thing that’s going to save poor Daffodil. Now everyone, I need you to rub your privates like so—

Tina Fey: Oh, come on!

Amy Poehler: Get outta here, little guy! [both push the man off the desk]

Tina Fey: The little people from Elliott Gould’s moustache, everybody! [cheers and applause] That’s disgracious.

Amy Poehler: The Canadian government formally introduced a bill to legalize same-sex marriage, at which point the bill insisted on being called “William.”

The town of Mink, Louisiana finally got telephone service for the first time ever this week, which means I can fa- finally call my grandpa! [pulls out a telephone from underneath the desk] OK… [dials the number] Oh, it’s ringing! Oh wait, he picked up… [into the phone] I’m gonna kill you. I know where you live, and I’m gonna kill you. [hangs up the phone] I love talkin’ to my grandpa!

Tina Fey: At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, for- as man and wife. Hopefully music.

As we mentioned earlier, this Sunday is Super Bowl XXXIX, between the Philadelphia Eagles of my hometown, and the New England Patriots—

Amy Poehler: Of my hometown—[some audience cheers] Yeah, that’s right. Of my hometown, Burlington, New England.

Tina Fey: So we thought it would be fun to have a little Hometown Fans Point/Counterpoint.

[display “Point/Counterpoint” graphic; dramatic music]

Amy has elected to go first.

Amy Poehler: Thank you Tina. [in Boston accent] If you think your Eagles are any match for our top-notch New England Patriots, you’re a moron.

Tina Fey: [in Philadelphia accent] OK, don’t even start, alright, ‘cause everybody known New England people are a bunch of losers. Youse went down there losers, and you’re going home losers.

Amy Poehler: Alright, you know what? Give me a break, we’re unstoppable. It’s our year, first the Red Sox, now the Super Bowl. OK, you can go cry in a pile of Philly cheese steaks, and watch that gay movie they named after your city.

Tina Fey: OK, OK, rebuttal. First of all, your whole city smells like baked bean farts. Second of all, how do youse even have time to go to the Super Bowl? Aren’t you too busy gettin’ molested by priests and cryin’ about it?

Amy Poehler: Good point. Point well taken, but let me just say this: your mother’s a whore and your father holds the money!

Tina Fey: You dirtbag!

[Tina and Amy wrestle each other to the ground. Display graphic again. Applause]

Don Pardo V/O: This has been “Hometown Fans Point/Counterpoint.”

Tina Fey: And finally tonight, a Swiss beer company has launched a new drink aimed at homosexuals, called “Queer Beer.” They hope it will sell better than “Mike’s Hard Bi-Curious Lemonade.”

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause as Tina and Amy dance along to the music; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

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