Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 12
February 12th, 2005
NBC Special ReportSummary: At a press conference, Kim Jong Il (Horatio Sanz) answers questions of praise toward him.
Recurring Characters: Brian Williams, Kim Jong Il.
Jason Bateman’s MonologueSummary: Jason Bateman and Amy Poehler make an appeal for viewers to watch “Arrested Development,” so Amy’s husband, Will Arnett, will keep a job and Amy can keep her boat.
Bio: Jason Bateman (1969-). Actor; younger brother of Justine Bateman; son-in-law of singer/composer, Paul Anka; starred in sitcoms “It’s Your Move”, “The Hogan Family” (formerly “Valerie”), and “Arrested Development”.
Me-Harmony.comSummary: The proven online matchmaking service finds their clients’ exact opposite sex match.
Monkeys Throwing Poop at CelebritiesSummary: A suspicious Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) is tricked into appearing on the show, and is promptly pummelled with monkey poop.
Recurring Characters: Sean Connery, Sharon Stone, Carrot Top, Bill Cosby.
An Important Moment In Black History ISummary: Kenny Wilkins (Finesse Mitchell) is the first black man to say “Hell, no!” to skydiving.
The Best of T.T. & MarioSummary: The songs of T.T. (Maya Rudolph) & Mario (Kenan Thompson) are booty-licious.
The SubwaySummary: Fearful of being held accountable, a man (Jason Bateman) happily gives money to bad subway performance acts.
An Important Moment In Black History IISummary: Kenny Wilkins (Finesse Mitchell) is the first black man to say “Hell, no!” to direct deposit.
Kelly Clarkson performs “Since U Been Gone”Bio: Kelly Clarkson (1982-). Singer; became the first “American Idol” champion in 2002, and co-starred with runner-up, Justin Guarini, in the film “From Justin to Kelly” a year later.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Prince Charles (Seth Meyers) and Camilla Parker-Boyles (Fred Armisen) creep out the audience while making out with one another. Because Kenan Thompson loves to work, he doesn’t join Tina and Amy in making fun of Bill Cosby’s sex charges.
Recurring Characters: Prince Charles, Camilla Parker-Bowles.
Gays in SpaceSummary: In Episode 1, the gay space crew do a favor for a lesbian space crew, by agreeing to donate their sperm to preserve the lesbian race.
Recurring Characters: Space Creature, Billiam, Gavindy, Thad.
Gibson StudiosSummary: Bill Kurtis (Darrell Hammond) records various A&E show promos.
Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episode hosted by Topher Grace.
An Important Moment In Black History IIISummary: Kenny Wilkins (Finesse Mitchell) is the first black man to say “Hell, no!” to sushi.
Kelly Clarkson performs “Breakaway”Lyrics
Rap NightSummary: Rap-star-turned-talk-show-host, Chubb Hotty (Horatio Sanz), celebrates Valentine’s Day with Lady Olestra (Kelly Clarkson).
Recurring Characters: Chubb Hotty, DJ Sugar Shock.
Public Speaking ClassSummary: Awkward salespeople learn how to improve their stance at a public speaking seminar.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Michael Jackson on Neverland RanchSummary: Elizabeth Taylor (Rachel Dratch) and other celebrities visit Michael Jackson (Amy Poehler) at his sickbed when he takes ill before his child molestation trial.
Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, Geraldo Rivera.
Note: This sketch will air in the episode hosted by Hilary Swank.
Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.
Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by David Spade.
The “Blah Blah Blah” AwardsSummary: Award winners’ acceptance speeches rattle on endlessly without ever saying anything of merit.
Annoying WaiterSummary: An annoying waiter (Fred Armisen) condstantly bothers a couple (Jason Bateman, Rachel Dratch) on their first date.