Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 12
Rap Night with Chubb Hotty
Chubb Hotty….Horatio Sanz
DJ Sugar Shock….Kenan Thompson
Brett Mausner….Jason Bateman
Lady Olestra….Kelly Clarkson
[Opens with the title RAP NIGHT with CHUBB HOTTYpainted in urban graffitti. Heavy rap beat plays, DJSugar Shock has his headphones on, mixes and scratcheson his turntable podium.]
DJ Sugar Shock: Yo’, yo’, yo’. This is your boy DJSugar Shock saying it’s time for Rap Night. With yourhost the biggest, fattest, dopest rapper in all theworld, Chubb Hotty! Holla!
[Curtain goes up for Chubb Hotty then it getscompletely out of the way for him to enter. Chubb ismorbidly obese, has a red do-rag, gold medallion, jeanjacket, faded jeans, mic on his hand]
Chubb Hotty: Jeah!, jeah!, jeah!, jeah![rapping] I amChubb Hotty the all time best/ I eat a mess of friedbologna from your momma’s chest/ I don’t like nofruit/ don’t eat no banana/ eat more steaks than thenation of Ghana, Jeah!
DJ Sugar Shock: Yeah!
Chubb Hotty: Mad rhymes/chicken wings/ is all I’m about/ you put a tap on my ass/ raw butter comes out/Jeah!
DJ Sugar Shock: Yeah, yeah![stops the heavy rapbest]All right, let’s get this thing starte-e-e-ed!
[Pleasant hip-hop intro, Chubb Hotty sits in his big ass chair]
Chubb Hotty: So DJ Sugar Shock, you got any plans for St. Valentine’s Day?
DJ Sugar Shock: Yeah, I mean, I think I’ll get some ofthose giant Hershey kisses for the kids. Take my wife to the Red Lobster, you know.
Chubb Hotty: That’s nice. Hey, remember that one timeI got thrown out of the Red Lobster at San Diego? Theysaid “all you can eat”. They were lying.
DJ Sugar Shock: That wasn’t a Red Lobster, Chubb. Itwas Sea World. You ate most of Free Willy in front of a class of schoolkids!
Chubb Hotty: “All you can eat”, my ass.[laughs]Myfirst guest is the director of my new video from mysingle “Pork and Chicken Heads”. Mr. Brett Mausner!
[A wigger in a track suit, sunglasses, baseball cap to the side]
Brett Mausner: Yo’ yo’ yo’ yo'[has trouble huggingChubb]How you living, huh? How you been? What you been up to cuz?[sits down]
Chubb Hotty: Yesterday I took a poop the size of a Hyundai.
Brett Mausner: Ah, right. Now listen, yo’s. Here’s mysneak peek at a brand new “Making the Video”.
[MTV’s montage of Making the Video. Brett is backstagein a studio, camera splits, shows two Brett’s]
Brett Mausner: Whazzup! Brett Mausner here! Welcome tothe making of Chubb Hotty’s latest joint “Pork andChicken Heads”. Out! On the first day of shootingChubb moves into his trailer on the set.
[Chubb walks into the trailer, destroys the door,takes a few steps into it and falls through the floor,gets his ass stuck on the floor]
Chubb Hotty: Damn! What do they make this trailers out of, man?
Brett Mausner: We shot a very, very sexy scene.
[Three sexy girls are sitting on a bed. Chubb sits onthe edge of the bed eating a humongous sandwich. Twoof the girls fly into the air when he sits, one stayson the crumbling bed watching Chubb slump to the ground]
Brett Mausner: And I think we cut most of this actually.
[MTV’s montage of Making the Video]
Chubb Hotty: Oh, man. That video looks hot, bro’!
Brett Mausner: Yeah.
Chubb Hotty: Much love, much love. Speaking of love,earlier I mentioned it was St. Valentine’s Day and tohelp me out and celebrate is my special love, my Lady Olestra.
[Lady Olestra is ghetto fabulous, sits on Chubb’s big ass chair armrest]
Brett Mausner: Oh, my goodness.
Lady Olestra: What’s up, boo?
Chubb Hotty: What’s up, baby? [kiss]Oh, yeah. Baby doggot you a little something for St. Valentine’s Day.
[Chubb takes a little bag out and pulls a skimpy redlingerie for his girl]
Lady Olestra: Chubb, you so nasty![Chubb laughs]I gotyou something too.
[Olestra takes out little bag and pulls out a regularpair of boxer shorts with red hearts on them]
Chubb Hotty: Who them tiny things for?
[Lady Olestra unfolds the boxer shorts, they are huge]
Brett Mausner: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Chubb Hotty: You a good woman, baby. All right DJSugar Shock, let’s hit it!
[Romantic music plays, Lady Olestra mic on handproceeds to sing beautifully]
Lady Olestra:[sings] Tonight I celebrate my love for boo….
[Chubb can’t get out of his chair, Brett gives him ahand, he’s pulling hard, Chubb falls on him pinningagainst his chair, finally Chubb gets up. He standsnext to Lady Olestra mic on hand]
Lady Olestra:[sings] Because he’s my favorite man to do….
[Brett claps along in the back]
Chubb Hotty:[rapping] Tonight, I celebrate my love for food!
Lady Olestra: Ugh!
Chubb Hotty:[rapping] I found a coupon for 3 Arby’sbeef and cheedar for the price of two!/ I also lovethis little lady/ but honestly not as much as agarbage can full of gravy!
Lady Olestra:[sings] Tonight I celebrate my love foryou….[Chubb hugs and picks Lady Olestra up for akiss and he farts] Chubb! That is nasty!
Chubb Hotty: Sorry, I sprained myself.
Lady Olestra:[sings]And I hope and pray I don’t getcrushed under you…[another fart from Chubb] Chubb, that is really nasty!
Chubb Hotty: That ain’t the end of it either.
[Extreme flatulence comes from Chubb. A long, unholy fart]
Lady Olestra: Did you had shrimps?![leaves]
Chubb Hotty: Matter of fact, I had ’em on my Cheerios this morning.
[DJ Sugar Shock is disgusted]
DJ Sugar Shock: Man, that is it! The show is over! I wanna get outta here!
[Brett is fanning himself behind Chubb]
Brett Mausner: Good Lord, Chubb. That is…that…th–
[Brett keels over from his chair to the floor]
Chubb Hotty: Oh, damn.
DJ Sugar Shock: Man, look at that! He passed out! Callthe paramedics or something! I ain’t hanging around inthis funky mess any longer than I have too![takes the headphones off, leaves]
Chubb Hotty: Good night, ya’ll! Stay tuned for theTony Danza show, coming up next.
[Rap Night logo appears]
[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel