Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 12
04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson
Gays in Space
Space Creature…..Maya Rudolph
Captain Reggie…..Jason Bateman
[open on TRIO network logo with circular rainbow “OUTzone” graphic]
Voice Over: [accompanied by title] You’re watching TRIO, the OUTzone: pop culture, unbiased and out. At ten, “Brideshead Revisited,” followed by “Model TV.” But first, “Gays in Space.”[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape with rolling fog and bright stars, and a space creature in a fabulous silver go-go outfit while techno beat plays]
Space Creature: [spoken in rhythm] Who said what to whom? / Oh, no, this is going to be intergalactic. / Hang on a second and let me pull myself together.
Male Chorus: Five.
Space Creature: Say what?
Male Chorus: Four.
Space Creature: Nuh-uh.
Male Chorus: Three.
Space Creature: Go ahead.
Male Chorus: Two.
Space Creature: Where’s my lipstick.
Male Chorus: One.
Space Creature: That’s what I thought you said. / One! Blast ooofff! Gays in Space![dissolve to exterior of fabulously glittering spacecraft with title: “Gays in Space,” and additional titles and voice over: “Episode One,” “You did not wear that today.”] [dissolve to bridge of spacecraft with four seated crew members wearing silver long-sleeved tops and shorts, with pink accents, Captain Reggie’s top also having wings]
Thad: We’re in the clear, Captain. The star cluster is no longer a threat.[all cheer as blond male-model waiter wearing much briefer silver outfit enters the bridge with a tray of drinks]
Captain: Great, super. ‘Tails, girls [indicates the waiter]. Now, listen, that was effing close. Whose fault was that, Billiam?[Givindy takes a cocktail]
Billiam: [gasps] I said, “hyperspeed,” [Thad takes a cocktail] and Navigation chose to ignore me once again. [to waiter] Thank you. [takes a cocktail]
Captain: [to waiter] Get away from me.
Givindy: Sweetie, I am not required to take orders from you. Okay?
Billiam: Yes, you are. I outrank you, I outdress you, and my teeth are straight. [chuckles]
Captain: He just cracked your space face, didn’t he? All right, now, what’s our next destination?
Billiam: I thought we’d hit the methane beaches of Kilpar. What do you think of that?
Thad: Tired! Nobody goes there but old queens and lesbots.
Givindy: Coming from the authority on tiredness.
Thad: Um, at least I don’t tuck my moon pants into my gravity boots, Shania!
Billiam: That is so 2084.
Captain: All right, Givindy, Billiam, Thad, do you guys understand what I’m trying to do here? I’m trying to take us to the next galacticon. Okay bokay? This kind of negativity is counterproductive, and it also is…it’s not productive. It stresses me out. I’m already very crabby because I’m on Space Atkins.
Givindy: Yeah, and you need to stay on that.
Captain: All right, that’s it. Too much negativity. Too much tension. Let’s dance everybody. [techno music plays] Dance it out! Vogue it out! Vogue it out! [all dance except Captain Reggie] Do it! Snap it! Snap it! Quarter turn! Now with the hand movements.
Captain: Red alert! Cheese and rice, everybody! Man your battle stations, bitches! Data report!
Billiam: It appears we’re caught in a tractor beam.
Givindy: Ooh, I do hope it’s those aliens from Zalan V. You know, the ones with the eight big hands and the eight big feet?
Billiam: Establishing communication, Captain.[Loretta, a very unfeminine woman, appears on the screen]
Loretta: Captain Reggie, we meet again.
Captain: Ugh, it’s Loretta. [forcedly] Hi, Loretta! What is it?[dissolve to bridge of Loretta’s spacecraft, with Loretta and two other very butch women dressed in plaid and vests.]
Loretta: My brothers, we are in great peril.[dissolves continue throughout dialogue]
Givindy: I can see that. It’s called a hot oil treatment. Look into it.
Loretta: I’m quite serious. Our population is dwindling.
Captain: Hmmm, I think I know where this is going.
Loretta: The only way our people can survive is by joining together to procreate.
Captain: Oh, get to it, Loretta, please. Spit it out. Blow it on my face. What do you want?
Loretta: We need sperm.
Captain: Right, well, um, Loretta, do you want to know something? I love you guys. We love to party with you. We love the cookouts. We hate your music. We love that you help us when we move. But, when it comes to the sex thing, I’m just…I’m not feeling it.
Loretta: Ditto. That’s why we created the X-25-1000 Donation Enhancement Collector.
Captain: Hmmm, well, shoot it over to me. We’ll take a little look-see at it.[doorbell rings]
Thad: That’s probably the X-25-1000 now.
Captain: Very quick.[dark-haired beefcake male enters wearing only skintight silver briefs]
Captain: Oh, my word.
Billiam: Look what Loretta made.
Givindy: Those girls are good with tools, okay?
Captain: Man the throttle. Next stop: Uranus.
Billiam: You did not just go there.
Thad: She went there, and you loved it.
Captain: Oooooh! [zoom over Captain Reggie’s head into porthole of door behind him] [dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape, with techno music and space creature entering from right]
Space Creature: Outer space. / Outer space. / Are the stars out tonight? / Moonlight in your hair feels so right. / Ain’t nothing bigger than Jupiter. / Oh, Gays in Space.[zoom into star cluster above space creatures’s head, and title: “Gays in Space.”]
Submitted by: DavidK93