SNL Transcripts: Jason Bateman: 02/12/05:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

Man #1/Match…..Horatio Sanz
Woman/Match…..Maya Rudolph
Man #2/Match…..Kenan Thompson
Man #3/Match…..Rob Riggle
Dr. Terry McQuarren…..Will Forte
Gay Men…..Seth Meyers

[ open on Man #1 ]

Man #1: I tried online dating. But I never found anyone who liked me for me.

[ cut to Woman ]

Woman: My friends tell me I’m too picky.

[ cut to Man #2 ]

Man #2: I need to find someone who realizes how great I am.

[ cut to Man #3 ]

Man #3: I’m a catch. Women like me. But when I tried other dating services, they could never find anyone good enough for me.

[ cut to Dr. Terry McQuarren ]

Dr. Terry McQuarren: Hi. I’m Dr. Terry McQuarren, founder of When you sign up at Me-Harmony, we only ask you questions about your favorite subject – you.

[ cut to Man #1 and his femininely-dressed identical match ]

Man #1: I can’t believe how lucky I am! Sondra and I finish each other’s thoughts!

Match: And we finish each other’s sentences! It’s amazing!

[ cut to Man #3 being hugged from behind by his femininely-dressed identical match ]

Match: He treats me exactly the way I want and deserve to be treated.

[ cut to Woman standing side-by-side with her masculinely-dressed identical match ]

Woman: I don’t know where I end and he starts.

Match: I have never.. been so attracted to someone on every level.

[ cut to Man #2 standing next to his femininely-dressed identical match ]

Man #2: I didn’t think it was possible to find someone who loves me as much as I love me! But I found her!

Match: You should see people stare at us when we walk down the street! They’re jealous!

[ they both laugh ] [ cut to Dr. Terry McQuarren ]

Dr. Terry McQuarren: Don’t you deserve the perfect match? [ his perfect match steps next to him and smiles ] At Me-Harmony, we guarantee you someone who is exactly like you – but with different sexual organs.

[ cut to Man #2 and his match kissing ]

Together: Thank you, Me-Harmony!

[ cut to Dr. Terry McQuarren ]

Dr. Terry McQuarren: And, for alternative lifestyles, visit

[ cut to two similar-looking gay men ]

Gay Men: Thank you, He-Harmony!

[ fade ]

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