SNL Transcripts: Jason Bateman: 02/12/05:


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

Man #1/Match…..Horatio Sanz
Woman/Match…..Maya Rudolph
Man #2/Match…..Kenan Thompson
Man #3/Match…..Rob Riggle
Dr. Terry McQuarren…..Will Forte
Gay Men…..Seth Meyers

[ open on Man #1 ]

Man #1: I tried online dating. But I never found anyone who liked me for me.

[ cut to Woman ]

Woman: My friends tell me I’m too picky.

[ cut to Man #2 ]

Man #2: I need to find someone who realizes how great I am.

[ cut to Man #3 ]

Man #3: I’m a catch. Women like me. But when I tried other dating services, they could never find anyone good enough for me.

[ cut to Dr. Terry McQuarren ]

Dr. Terry McQuarren: Hi. I’m Dr. Terry McQuarren, founder of When you sign up at Me-Harmony, we only ask you questions about your favorite subject – you.

[ cut to Man #1 and his femininely-dressed identical match ]

Man #1: I can’t believe how lucky I am! Sondra and I finish each other’s thoughts!

Match: And we finish each other’s sentences! It’s amazing!

[ cut to Man #3 being hugged from behind by his femininely-dressed identical match ]

Match: He treats me exactly the way I want and deserve to be treated.

[ cut to Woman standing side-by-side with her masculinely-dressed identical match ]

Woman: I don’t know where I end and he starts.

Match: I have never.. been so attracted to someone on every level.

[ cut to Man #2 standing next to his femininely-dressed identical match ]

Man #2: I didn’t think it was possible to find someone who loves me as much as I love me! But I found her!

Match: You should see people stare at us when we walk down the street! They’re jealous!

[ they both laugh ] [ cut to Dr. Terry McQuarren ]

Dr. Terry McQuarren: Don’t you deserve the perfect match? [ his perfect match steps next to him and smiles ] At Me-Harmony, we guarantee you someone who is exactly like you – but with different sexual organs.

[ cut to Man #2 and his match kissing ]

Together: Thank you, Me-Harmony!

[ cut to Dr. Terry McQuarren ]

Dr. Terry McQuarren: And, for alternative lifestyles, visit

[ cut to two similar-looking gay men ]

Gay Men: Thank you, He-Harmony!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x