SNL Transcripts: Jason Bateman: 02/12/05: Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Peter Talbank…..Jason Bateman
Mr. Bojo Bananas…..Will Forte
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Carrot Top…..Seth Meyers
Sharon Stone…..Amy Poehler
Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on distinguished man wearing an ascot and brandishing a pipe ]

Announcer: Now it’s time for “Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities!”

[ cut to show montage of the monkey throwing various poop, as he sings the theme song ]

“Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities!
Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities!
Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities!”

[ dissolve to show set, featuring a guest chair covered in cellophane ]

Announcer: And, now, here’s your host, Peter Talbank.

[ Peter Talbank enters set ]

Peter Talbank: Hey, everybody! Welcome to “Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities” the show where celebrities get monkey poop thrown at them! I’m Peter Talbank, and, of course, joining me, as always, is Mr. Bojo Bananas and Steve Winston.

[ audience cheers on Steve and the monkey ]

Peter Talbank: How are things with Mr. Bojo Bananas today?

Mr. Bojo Bananas: Just great!

Peter Talbank: Yes? How are things with the monkey?

Mr. Bojo Bananas: Well, Steve Winston’s got his big bowl of poop, and he’s ready to go! Who’s our celebrity today, Peter?

Peter Talbank: That’s a good question there, Bojo! Tonight’s celebrity is one of the biggest stars in Hollywood! His career spans over five decades, he’s a Knight of the British Realm, a noted sailing enthusiast – the original James Bond. And we intend to throw poop at him! [ headshot of Connery flies past ] Sir Sean Connery! Now, right now, as you know, Sir Sean Connery is in our green room.. [ show Connery reading a magazine in the literal green room ] ..where he has no idea that our monkey, Steve Winston, is about to throw poop at him! He thinks we’re bringing him on to talk about his favorite thing – sailing! What do you think, Bojo? Should we bring him out?

Mr. Bojo Bananas: [ enthusiastic ] Bring him on out!

Peter Talbank: Alright, ladies and gentlemen! Sir Sean Connery!

[ Connery enters, takes sense of his surroundings and immediately freezes ]

Sean Connery: Oh, no.. hold on one second. This isn’t that show where monkeys throw poop at show biz people, is it?

Peter Talbank: [ feigning shock and surprise ] What? Huh? No! Of course not. What are you talking about?

Sean Connery: Yes, it is. You’re not fooling me. Why does it smell like monkey feces out here?

Peter Talbank: Monkey feces? I don’t smell anything, sir. We’re going to talk about sailing. [ Connery is apprehensive ] Please, please. Sit, sit, sit! Yes.

[ Connery sits, but stares across the room in disbelief ]

Sean Connery: That’s ridiculous! There’s a monkey right over there!

Peter Talbank: Right over where, sir?

Sean Connery: [ points to Mr. Bojo Bananas ] You, man! what are you doing with that monkey?!

Mr. Bojo Bananas: [ innocently ] What?

Sean Connery: You’ve got a monkey on a leash. Why?

Mr. Bojo Bananas: I’m, uh.. fixing the pipes.

[ Steve Winston starts pounding the stool with his hands ]

Sean Connery: What in God’s name do you need a monkey to fix the pipes for?

Peter Talbank: That’s his assistant, Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Really?

Peter Talbank: Yes.

Sean Connery: Oh. [ intrigued ] That’s remarkable.

Peter Talbank: Yes, it is, sir. Now.. something not a lot of people know about you, sir, is that sailing.. [ trying to contain his laughter ] really the love of your life.

Sean Connery: [ examining his chair ] Just one minute. How come there’s a plastic sheet on my seat?

Peter Talbank: I told you, sir. Working on the pipes.

Sean Connery: Well, there’s no plastic sheet on your seat.

Peter Talbank: Ah..

Sean Connery: [ anger growing ] This better not be that show where you throw monkey poop at celebrities!

Peter Talbank: No, no, no.. I assure you, sir, it is not. I would not do that to you, Sir Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: I’ve got a good mind to knock your block off if that monkey throws poop at me!

Peter Talbank: No, no, no. He will not, sir.

Sean Connery: [ skeptical ] You promise?

Peter Talbank: I promise you. [ grinning from ear to ear ] So.. now.. when we say sailing, we’re talking about one of those little one-man jobs? Or a catamaran? Or a great big yacht?

Sean Connery: Well, I don’t know if.. I don’t know if you’d call it big or not.. but I’ve got a 30-foot Coranado sloop that I sail around the Isle of Bath —

[ a piece of monkey poop suddenly flies into the frame and hits Connery ]

Sean Connery: Oh! Good God! What is that?!

Peter Talbank: What is it! Audience!

Audience: It’s Monkey Poop!

Sean Connery: This is that show, isn’t it!

Peter Talbank: [ laughing ] Yes!

[ more monkey poop is thrown at Connery, though shots of Steve Winston reveal it to be stagehands throwing rapid-fire poop where the monkey fails to do so ]

Sean Connery: This is that show —

Peter Talbank: Yes, it is!

Sean Connery: — where monkeys throw poop at celebrities!

Peter Talbank: Yes, it is! Yes, it is!

Sean Connery: For God’s sake! [ starts chuckling immensely ]

Peter Talbank: Oh! Yes!

Sean Connery: I have got to give it you – you got me this time! You really got me!

Peter Talbank: We really did, didn’t we!

Sean Connery: That’s a lot of poop that little fella is throwing!

Peter Talbank: Oh, it’s a great deal of poop, sir! Please join me next time, when my celebrities will be Carrot Top

Carrot Top: Ha ha ha! [ monkey poop hits his face ] Hey!

Peter Talbank: — Sharon Stone —

Sharon Stone: [ as monkey poop hits her ] Wonderful! Whoo!

Peter Talbank: — and Mr. Bill Cosby!

Bill Cosby: [ as monkey poop lands square in his eye ] I’ve got monkey poop on my face.

Peter Talbank: We’re gonna see you next time, on —

Audience: “Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities!”

[ Connery begins slinging the monkey poop around ]

Peter Talbank: Don’t you throw it at me, sir! Don’t you throw it at me!

[ monkey poop covers the lens, as the closing graphics and jingle play ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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