SNL Transcripts: Jason Bateman: 02/12/05: Subway Performers


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

Subway Performers

Husband…..Jason Bateman
Wife…..Amy Poehler
Old Woman…..Rachel Dratch
Man…..Rob Riggle
Roscoe…..Kenan Thompson
Dad…..Finesse Mitchell
Mexican Man 1…..Horatio Sanz
Mexican Man 2…..Fred Armisen
Barbershop Quartet Leader…..Will Forte
Barbershop Quartet Member 1…..Chris Parnell
Barbershop Quartet Member 2…..??
Barbershop Quartet Member 3…..Jeff Richmond
Blind Girl…..Kelly Clarkson
Passed-Out Bum in Rear of Car…..JB Smoove

[ open on stock footage on subway cars in motion ] [ dissolve to interior, subway car, where a Husband and his Wife sit opposite an old Woman and a Man reading a newspaper ]

Husband: Have you been to the Chelsea Flea Market before?

Wife: No, I’m excited — I need a desk.

Husband: Ah, ’cause you’re gonna find a desk.

Wife: Yeah.

Husband: Yeah, it’s, uh —

[ Roscoe enters the car ]

Roscoe: Hi, good day, everyone, good day. Uh — my name is Roscoe… and I’m NOT asking for a handout — but if you enjoy my singing, maybe you can spare some change.
[ singing ]“This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine.
Let it shine, shine, shine, shine, shine!”

[ Roscoe works his way through the car with his hand outstretched and open ]

Old Woman: Your pitch was very off!

Man: [ without looking up from his newspaper ] Get a job!

Roscoe: Well, you don’t have to be Rockefeller to help a fellow, now.

Husband: [ takes out a dollar ] Here you go, friend!

Wife: Aw, that’s nice!

Roscoe: God bless you!

Husband: Alright.

[ Roscoe exits, as a Dad and his son enter with boxes of candy ]

Dad: Yo! Would anybody like to buy some M&Ms today? For the Saint… something mumbled name After School Project?

[ they work their way through the car ]

Old Woman: I’m allergic to nuts! [ she waves him away ]

Man: It’s a scam! Get away from me!

Husband: No thanks, buddy, I’m good.

Dad: Okay, okay! Well, maybe you need to see us break it down!

[ the Dad and his son break into a choreographed dance, which only the Husband and his Wife seem to get into ]

Wife: Oh, wow!

Husband: Wow!

Wife: Yes!

Husband: Wow, yes! Absolutely! I definitely think that deserves something! Here you go — onesie… twosie. [ hands the kid two coins, but the kid holds out for more ] Okay. Let me just, uh — [ pulls out his wallet ] p-fab that up! I don’t know. [ hands the kid a dollar ] There you go.

Dad: That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Thank you VERY much!

Husband: Thank you.

Dad: Have a good day!

Husband: Okay.

Dad: Alright!

Husband: Great. Alright, well, uh — don’t I — I don’t get the candy, then?

Dad: No! You paid for the DANCE portion of the program!

Husband: I see.

Dad: Alright!

[ the Dad and his son exit to the next car, as a pair of Mexican performers enter the car ]

Husband: Oh!

[ the Mexican performers hover over the Husband and wife as they perform ]

Husband: Yes! Yes! Oh… wow!

[ the Mexican performers finish, then extend their sombreros around the car ]

Old Woman: I don’t care for your rhythms.

Man: Keep walking, Speedy!

Husband: [ holds up a dollar ] you have a bueno day.

Mexican Man 2: Gracias, Senor! [ kisses Husband on the head ]

Wife: Awww!

Husband: Oh… great! A little extra there. Thank you very much. [ Mexican Man 1 stesps forward to kiss him as well [ No, sir… I’m fine! Okay.

[ the Mexican performers exit to the next car ]

Wife: Oh, wow — that’s weird!

Husband: Yeah?

Wife: Yeah. You don’t see a lot of Mexicans in New York.

Husband: No, you don’t.

Wife: So, um — what are you looking for at the flea market?

Husband: Well, I, uh — definitely could use some plants, and, of course, I’m always on the lookout for my Cabbage Patch Kids collectibles. So… I have my fingers crossed there.

[ suddenly, a barbershop quartet enters the car ]

Barbershop Quartet Leader: Good morning, all. We are the Jolly Town Gentlemen, and — do not be fooled — although we are white and have costumes, we are quite homeless, and would appreciate a moment of your time.

Barbershop Quartet Member 1: “By the liiiight…”

Barbershop Quartet Leader and Members 2 & 3: “By the light, by the liiiight…”

Barbershop Quartet: “Of the silvery moo-oo-oo-oon…”

Barbershop Quartet Member 1: I want to spoo-oo-oon…

Barbershop Quartet Leader and Members 2 & 3: “He wants to spoon, he wants to spoon…”

Barbershop Quartet Member 1: With my lover, I’ll croo-oo-oon…

Barbershop Quartet Leader and Members 2 & 3: “He loves to –“

Barbershop Quartet Member 1: By the silvery…

Barbershop Quartet:
“We’re really homeless!
By the silvery moo-oo-oo-oon!!:

[ the Barbershop Quartet Leader extends his hat through the car ]

Old Woman: A rather tepid arrangement.

Man: Eat me.

Wife: [ to her Husband ] Come on, honey — they’re really homeless.

Husband: Are your arms broken, by the way?

Wife: I only have twenties.

Husband: Alright, alright… [ he takes out his wallet ] It’s really fantastic, men. A very, very good job. [ he puts a dollar in the Barbershop Quartet Leader’s hat ] Okay?

Barbershop Quartet Leader: Thank you-ou-ouuu…

Barbershop Quartet Member 1: [ extends his hat ] Thank you-ou-ouuu…

Husband: Ah! [ puts a dollar in his hat ]

Barbershop Quartet Member 2: Thank you-ou-ouuu…

Husband: Saw that coming. [ puts a dollar in his hat ] There you go.

Barbershop Quartet Member 3: Thank you-ou-ouuu…

[ Husband puts a dollar in his hat ]

Barbershop Quartet: Thank you!!

Husband: Great.

Barbershop Quartet Leader: By the way… we aren’t really homeless.

[ they run out of the car, as a Blind Girl stumbles into the car ]

Blind Girl: Ladies and gentlemen! I am homeless and blind! But check this out: [ singing ]“Give me oooooone moment in tiiiiiime
When I’m more… than I thought… I could beeeeeee!
Aaaaaand… in that one moment of tiiiiiime
I will beeeeee….
I will beeeeee….
I will be freeeeeeeeeeeee!!”

[ everyone in the car applauds ]

Old Woman: [ rises to put a dollar in the Blind Girl’s cup ] Now, THAT is why I take the train!

Man: [ putting a dollar in her cup ] You… are going to Hollywood, sister!

Blind Girl: Thank you!

Husband: [ examining his wallet ] Baby… I’m out of cash!

Wife: [ whispering ] Well, just be quiet — she won’t know we’re here.

Blind Girl: [ steps closer ] Pay up! I can smell you!

Husband: Really? Okay. Alright. Uh — here we go… [ digs through his jacket ] I think I have some money… right here. [ pulls out a receipt ] Oh, yes! Oh, my! This is TEN dollars! [ he slips it into her cup ]

Blind Girl: Oh! Thank you! [ she rubs the recept between her fingers ]

Husband: Yes.

Blind Girl: [ she crinkles the receipt near her ear ] That’s a Burger King receipt!

Husband: [ innocent ] What are you talking about?

Blind Girl: How can you cheat a blind, homeless girl?!!

[ the Blind Girl starts to beat the Husband with her walking stick, as the Old Woman and Man with the newspaper rally in her defense and chase him off the car ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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