SNL Transcripts: Jason Bateman: 02/12/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Prince Charles…..Seth Meyers
Camilla Parker-Bowles…..Fred Armisen
…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:

This week, Prince Charles stunned the world by announcing that he’ll marry his longtime girlfriend, Mrs. Doubtfire.

Tina Fey: After marrying Prince Charles, Camilla Parker-Bowles’ title will be Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cornwall, and when Charles becomes king, she will not be the queen, but her title will be the Princess Consort. While my title will remain “Lady Sugarwalls.”

In the wake of the successful Iraqi elections, President Bush’s job approval rating has jumped up to 57%, or as high school teachers call it, an “F.” [applause; Tina cheers with the audience]

Amy Poehler: Earlier today, former Vermont governor Howard Dean became the new head of the Democratic National Committee. No word on who will be the neck. [slow audience reaction; some delayed applause] You’re getting it- there you go.

According to former detainees at Guantanamo Bay, interrogators would threaten prisoners, and tell them, “The world doesn’t know you’re here. Nobody knows you’re here.” So, basically, the same speech Tina gives me every night.

[Tina cuts an apple with a large butcher’s knife]

Tina Fey: Don’t you forget it, either. [she eats a chunk of the apple off the knife, while Amy nervously gasps]

Amy Poehler: Scary!

As we mentioned earlier, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles announced their engagement this week. Here to discuss their upcoming nuptials, please welcome Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles!

[Pan to Charles and Camilla. Camilla rests her head on Charles’ shoulder]

Prince Charles: Hello, Amy and Tina. Have you heard the news? Isn’t it joyous? I mean, just look at this vision! I doubt there’s a man in the room who wouldn’t want to change places with me.

Camilla Parker-Bowles: Oh Charles!

Prince Charles: Oh, Camilla. [they almost kiss, but back off at the last second]

Amy Poehler: Wow! You guys seem really, really happy.

Prince Charles: Well, can you blame me, Amon- uh, can you blame me, Amy? Not only- sometimes I get my words so screwed up, she’s so beautiful!

Not only do I get to look on this jewel every single day, but now I’ve locked her up for the long term!

Camilla Parker-Bowles: Oh Charles!

Prince Charles: Oh, Camilla, mmm….. [He places their foreheads together as they gaze at each other]

Amy Poehler: OK, alright. Let- let me say something. Uh, Charles—

Prince Charles: Yes? [they awkwardly hug each other]

Amy Poehler: You are the heir to the throne of Great Britain, so basically you could have your pick of any woman in the world.

Prince Charles: Oh, I know, exactly! You think I would’ve landed this beauty otherwise? Why if I were just plain old Charlie Windsor Businessman, I shudder to think what kind of woman I would’ve ended up with! Someone like one of you two, I imagine. [shudders]

Amy Poehler: So, Camilla, I’m guessing you have a great personality—

Camilla Parker-Bowles: Not really, no.

Prince Charles: Does it matter, Amy? I mean, look at her…

[They french kiss each other maniacally while Amy stares at them. Cheers and applause. Camilla sticks her finger in Charles’ mouth]

Amy Poehler: Wow, you guys are in love. So, uh, so when’s the date?

Prince Charles: April 8th, and it can’t come soon enough! Oh, my sweet Camilla, I can’t wait for when she comes trotting down the aisle, with a beautiful gate. And when she lifts her veil, the entire audience will gasp.

Amy, Tina: Yes, right. They’ll gasp.

Prince Charles: Oh, Camilla, darling, make that face that I love.

[Camilla opens her eyes wide and stares nervously at the camera]

No, no! Save it for the wedding night, my dear! Save it for the wedding night! [they french kiss each other again]

Amy Poehler: Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles, everyb- get a room, you two! Get a room! [more cheers and applause]

Prince Charles: You mean a palace! We’ll get a palace!

Amy Poehler: Whatever, get a palace!

Tina Fey: Camilla Parker-Bowles, and that dude.

This past Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, the holiday during which Catholics mark the beginning of Lent by creeping out their coworkers.

Amy Poehler: This week, Ford Motors announced a massive recall of its compact car, the Ford Focus, making it the first time a car has been recalled for being dangerously uncool.

Scientists are developing a magic mirror that uses computer technology and a camera to show you how you might look in the future, based on your current lifestyle. Let’s have a look at my magic mirror image. [picture of Heather Locklear] Ooh, great! I’ll take that, that’s great.

Tina Fey: Cool, OK. Alright, let’s check mine out. [picture of Bea Arthur] Yeah, awesome! I must’ve been livin’ hard! Yes!

The head of the Vermont Teddy Bear company resigned from the board of Vermont’s largest hospital Wednesday after he angered critics by selling a straitjacketed “Crazy for You” bear. Even more controversial, however, the company’s “You Make My Knees Weak” bear, [picture of a teddy bear in a wheelchair] “You Take My Breath Away” bear, [a bear with a plastic bag over its head] and the “I’m Nuts Over You” bear. [unclothed bear with two large, furry testicles; applause]

Amy Poehler: Cute!

Tina Fey: I’d buy it.

Amy Poehler: David James Elliott, the star of the CBS show “JAG,” announced that he will be leaving the show at the end of the season to develop projects at ABC. Among the shows Elliott is pitching is a sitcom about old ladies called “HAG,” a show about a down-and-out racehorse called “NAG,” and a gay-themed show called—“Fancy That.”

Tina Fey: Sources say that Macaulay Culkin and Chris Tucker are willing to testify that Michael Jackson never molested them during their many childhood sleepovers at Neverland Ranch. In a related story, I’m gonna testify in the Robert Blake trial, ‘cause that guy never tried to murder me! He never murdered me once!

Amy Poehler: According to a new poll, Democrats are favoring Hillary Clinton for the Democratic Presidential nominee in 2008. Democrats say they’re looking for a fresh and exciting new way to get their asses handed to them.

Tina Fey: A California lawyer alleged Wednesday that thirty years ago, Bill Cosby drugged her and tried to molest her, and after she fought back, he dropped two hundred-dollar bills on a table and fled. Cosby says he can’t be held responsible for his actions, since at the time he was suffering from, [imitating Bill Cosby] “the brain damage!”

Amy Poehler: That’s funny. Is Kenan coming out to imitate Bill Cosby now?

Tina Fey: [still as Bill Cosby] No, Kenan is not coming out because of the “Fat Albert,” and the money, and the sequels!

Amy Poehler: [also as Bill Cosby] Of course he can’t talk about the boobies, and the groping, and the pudding pops!

Tina Fey: Because it would upset Mr. Cosby, and his wife, Camiiillle!

[Kenan walks in and stands behind Tina and Amy]

Kenan Thompson: Wow, thanks for that. Great job, you guys. I didn’t say any of that, because Kenan Thompson loves to work, OK? Peace. [walks off; some applause]

Tina Fey: Wow, Kenan Thompson loves to work, everybody.

Amy Poehler: Loves to work? Who doesn’t?

Ernst Mayr, a retired Harvard University evolutionary biologist, called “the Darwin of the 20th Century,” died last Thursday at the age of a hundred. Mayr was killed by a bigger, stronger evolutionary biologist.

Tina Fey: Al Franken said this week that he will consider running for a Senate seat in Minnesota in 2008. Franken would be the first “SNL” alum to hold office since last year, when Tracy Morgan declared himself “the Mayor of Scores!” [some applause]

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amon Poehler!

Tina Fey: I’m Tinam Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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