SNL Transcripts: Hilary Swank: 02/19/05: City Court with Aaron Neville


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 13

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City Court with Aaron Neville

Aaron Neville…..Horatio Sanz
Margaret Shanklin…..Hilary Swank
Dale James…..Chris Parnell
Bailiff…..Rob Riggle
Odell…..Kenan Thompson
Interviewer…..Seth Meyers
Man in the street…..Finesse Mitchell

(Pax logo)

Announcer: You´re watching Pax. What´s up with that?

(Montage has Aaron Neville dressed in a cutoff robe,slow dancing with mic on hand in a cloudy, smoky set)

Announcer: You are now entering the chambers of CityCourt with Aaron Neville.

Aaron Neville: (sings)I don´t know much, and I don´thave a law degree…

Announcer: Aaron Neville is a multiple Grammy-Awardwinning recording artist. He is not a judge nor is hea legal professional of any kind.

Aaron Neville: (sings)But I do know that I like tosettle disputes…

Announcer: All the litigants agreed to have theircases settled solely on the basis of Aaron Nevillerudimentary understanding of the American Legal Systemand innate sense of fair play.

Aaron Neville: And that may be all I need tokno-o-o-o-o-o-ow.(Crosses his arms, looks at camerawith beatific smile.)

(Cut to inside of a courtroom. Plaintiff MargaretShanklin is a trashy looking woman, chewing gum andholding a dog wrapped in a red leather jacket.Caption:Margaret Shanklin Plaintiff)

Announcer: The litigant Margaret Shanklin claims thather ex-boyfriend Dale James owes her over $1,500dollars in unpaid loans.

(Dale is picking his nose, has a stupid look on hisface, sunglasses, ponytail.Caption:Dale JamesDefendant)

Bailiff: Court is now in session. All rise for Mr.Aaron Neville.

(All rise, Aaron enters, sits in the judge´s podium)

Aaron Neville: The litigants have been sworn in and Ihave read your complaints. So please Ms. MargaretShanklin, (sings)tell it like it i-i-i-i-is.

Margaret Shanklin: Well your honor Aaron Neville, Ihad set aside $1,500 dollars to open up my ownbusiness making Thriller-Style Michael Jacksonjackets(holds up dog)for my dog. Which I loaned to mytrifling good-for-nothing ex-boyfriend Dale.

Dale James: Huh-uh, your Honor, that ain´t true. Whenshe gave me that money she said it was a gift, uh,because she was so impressed with my lovemakingskills.

Aaron Neville: Please Mr. James, you´ll have yourchance in a second. Ms.Shanklin, please continue.

Margaret Shanklin: Thank you, your Honor.

Aaron Neville: (sings)I am not a ju-u-u-u-udge.

Margaret Shanklin: Right. Mr.Neville.

Aaron Neville: (sings)Thank you-u-u-u-u-u-u.

Margaret Shanklin: Um, anyways as I was saying, Iloaned Dale the money so he could pay off hisBlockbuster fines then I find out he used it to gethis car painted like the General Lee from “The Dukesof Hazard”.

Dale James: It was an investment, your Honor. Iplanned to use it to make money at mall openings,parades, you know, car shows and such.

Margaret Shanklin: It´s a Dodge Neon, Dale. It lookscrazy!

Aaron Neville: (sings)Everybody just play it co-o-o-olfor a second.(stops singing, turns to bailiff)Excuseme bailiff, you have my cocoa butter?

Bailiff: Yeah, they only had the 12 ounce tubethough.(gives Aaron the tube of cocoa butter)

Aaron Neville: Thank you. Excuse me, my lady.(startssmearing cocoa butter on his arms)

Margaret Shanklin: So anyways Dale pulls up…

Aaron Neville: Excuse me, would either of you care forsome(sings)cocoa buttha-a-a.

Margaret Shanklin: No, thank you, sir.(Dale nods no)

Aaron Neville: My tattoos respond well to frequentcocoa butter applications.

Margaret Shanklin: OK.

Aaron Neville: (sings)It accentuates my muscle tone,while moisturizing my dry ski-i-i-i-i-i-n.

Margaret Shanklin: Right.

Aaron Neville: Ok, Mr.James. Please tell me your sideof the story.

Dale James: I fully intended to pay her back but nextthing I know she´s shacking up with Stavros, thelandlord.

Margaret Shanklin: That ain´t true!!

Aaron Neville: Order!Order!(pounds gavel, gavel slipsout of his hand. Tries pounding again, slips and itfalls again to the floor) Please excuse me, my handsare slippery with(sings)cocoa butha-a-a-a.(littlecrack up)Ms. Shanklin I see you have a witness here.

Margaret Shanklin: Yes, Mr.Neville This is my sonOdell from my first marriage.

(Young black teen steps up)

Odell: Yo´, what´s up your honor?

Aaron Neville: I see you had some(sings)chocolate inyour peanut buttha-a-a-a-a.

Margaret Shanklin: Yes, Mr. Neville in the early 90´sI found myself in a common law situation with LawrenceTaylor of the New York Giants.

Aaron Neville: Ok, as it turns out I am running outof(sings)cocoa buttha-e-o-e-o-a-a.(stops singing)So Iwill be right back with my decision in a few moments.Excuse me.

(cut to a statue of Lady Justice.Caption: You Be TheJudge. Man in a suit interviews a man on the street)

Interviewer: She claims he owes her $1,500 dollars. Hesays no way! How do you feel Aaron Neville will rule?

Man on the street: I don´t think he knows much aboutthe law.

Interviewer: Yeah, tell me about it. But what aboutthe case?

Man on the street: Seems like he is pretty into cocoabutter.

Interviewer: Yes, yes he is. All right, back to thestudio for Aaron Neville´s ruling.

(Back in the courtroom, Aaron continues to apply cocoabutter on his arms)

Aaron Neville: (sings) Oh, the touch, the feel of cocoabutha-a-a-a-a.(stops singing) Ok, here´s myruling.(sings)Bop, bop, boop, boop. Bop,bop, boop,boop. Bop, bop, boop, boop. Everybody acts like a foolsometimes,(confused look on Margaret´s face, Aaronuses cocoa butter tube like a mic)You lent some moneyto this stupid fool(Dale shrugs)you ain´t gonna get itback babe, next time you make a loan you should put itin writing, that´s just common sense. Everybody nowleaves the courtroom, leave.(stops singing)Good nighty´all.

Announcer: Guests of City Court with Aaron Nevillestay at Aaron Neville´s house.(Photo of white and bluehouse-boat on a river.Caption:Aaron Neville´s house)And special thanks to Queen Helene´s cocoabutter(photo of Queen Helene cocoa butterrecipient)Now that we mentioned your product, pleasesend us free stuff.

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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