SNL Transcripts: Hilary Swank: 02/19/05: City Court with Aaron Neville

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  Season 30: Episode 13

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City Court with Aaron Neville

Aaron Neville…..Horatio Sanz
Margaret Shanklin…..Hilary Swank
Dale James…..Chris Parnell
Bailiff…..Rob Riggle
Odell…..Kenan Thompson
Interviewer…..Seth Meyers
Man in the street…..Finesse Mitchell

(Pax logo)

Announcer: You´re watching Pax. What´s up with that?

(Montage has Aaron Neville dressed in a cutoff robe,slow dancing with mic on hand in a cloudy, smoky set)

Announcer: You are now entering the chambers of CityCourt with Aaron Neville.

Aaron Neville: (sings)I don´t know much, and I don´thave a law degree…

Announcer: Aaron Neville is a multiple Grammy-Awardwinning recording artist. He is not a judge nor is hea legal professional of any kind.

Aaron Neville: (sings)But I do know that I like tosettle disputes…

Announcer: All the litigants agreed to have theircases settled solely on the basis of Aaron Nevillerudimentary understanding of the American Legal Systemand innate sense of fair play.

Aaron Neville: And that may be all I need tokno-o-o-o-o-o-ow.(Crosses his arms, looks at camerawith beatific smile.)

(Cut to inside of a courtroom. Plaintiff MargaretShanklin is a trashy looking woman, chewing gum andholding a dog wrapped in a red leather jacket.Caption:Margaret Shanklin Plaintiff)

Announcer: The litigant Margaret Shanklin claims thather ex-boyfriend Dale James owes her over $1,500dollars in unpaid loans.

(Dale is picking his nose, has a stupid look on hisface, sunglasses, ponytail.Caption:Dale JamesDefendant)

Bailiff: Court is now in session. All rise for Mr.Aaron Neville.

(All rise, Aaron enters, sits in the judge´s podium)

Aaron Neville: The litigants have been sworn in and Ihave read your complaints. So please Ms. MargaretShanklin, (sings)tell it like it i-i-i-i-is.

Margaret Shanklin: Well your honor Aaron Neville, Ihad set aside $1,500 dollars to open up my ownbusiness making Thriller-Style Michael Jacksonjackets(holds up dog)for my dog. Which I loaned to mytrifling good-for-nothing ex-boyfriend Dale.

Dale James: Huh-uh, your Honor, that ain´t true. Whenshe gave me that money she said it was a gift, uh,because she was so impressed with my lovemakingskills.

Aaron Neville: Please Mr. James, you´ll have yourchance in a second. Ms.Shanklin, please continue.

Margaret Shanklin: Thank you, your Honor.

Aaron Neville: (sings)I am not a ju-u-u-u-udge.

Margaret Shanklin: Right. Mr.Neville.

Aaron Neville: (sings)Thank you-u-u-u-u-u-u.

Margaret Shanklin: Um, anyways as I was saying, Iloaned Dale the money so he could pay off hisBlockbuster fines then I find out he used it to gethis car painted like the General Lee from “The Dukesof Hazard”.

Dale James: It was an investment, your Honor. Iplanned to use it to make money at mall openings,parades, you know, car shows and such.

Margaret Shanklin: It´s a Dodge Neon, Dale. It lookscrazy!

Aaron Neville: (sings)Everybody just play it co-o-o-olfor a second.(stops singing, turns to bailiff)Excuseme bailiff, you have my cocoa butter?

Bailiff: Yeah, they only had the 12 ounce tubethough.(gives Aaron the tube of cocoa butter)

Aaron Neville: Thank you. Excuse me, my lady.(startssmearing cocoa butter on his arms)

Margaret Shanklin: So anyways Dale pulls up…

Aaron Neville: Excuse me, would either of you care forsome(sings)cocoa buttha-a-a.

Margaret Shanklin: No, thank you, sir.(Dale nods no)

Aaron Neville: My tattoos respond well to frequentcocoa butter applications.

Margaret Shanklin: OK.

Aaron Neville: (sings)It accentuates my muscle tone,while moisturizing my dry ski-i-i-i-i-i-n.

Margaret Shanklin: Right.

Aaron Neville: Ok, Mr.James. Please tell me your sideof the story.

Dale James: I fully intended to pay her back but nextthing I know she´s shacking up with Stavros, thelandlord.

Margaret Shanklin: That ain´t true!!

Aaron Neville: Order!Order!(pounds gavel, gavel slipsout of his hand. Tries pounding again, slips and itfalls again to the floor) Please excuse me, my handsare slippery with(sings)cocoa butha-a-a-a.(littlecrack up)Ms. Shanklin I see you have a witness here.

Margaret Shanklin: Yes, Mr.Neville This is my sonOdell from my first marriage.

(Young black teen steps up)

Odell: Yo´, what´s up your honor?

Aaron Neville: I see you had some(sings)chocolate inyour peanut buttha-a-a-a-a.

Margaret Shanklin: Yes, Mr. Neville in the early 90´sI found myself in a common law situation with LawrenceTaylor of the New York Giants.

Aaron Neville: Ok, as it turns out I am running outof(sings)cocoa buttha-e-o-e-o-a-a.(stops singing)So Iwill be right back with my decision in a few moments.Excuse me.

(cut to a statue of Lady Justice.Caption: You Be TheJudge. Man in a suit interviews a man on the street)

Interviewer: She claims he owes her $1,500 dollars. Hesays no way! How do you feel Aaron Neville will rule?

Man on the street: I don´t think he knows much aboutthe law.

Interviewer: Yeah, tell me about it. But what aboutthe case?

Man on the street: Seems like he is pretty into cocoabutter.

Interviewer: Yes, yes he is. All right, back to thestudio for Aaron Neville´s ruling.

(Back in the courtroom, Aaron continues to apply cocoabutter on his arms)

Aaron Neville: (sings) Oh, the touch, the feel of cocoabutha-a-a-a-a.(stops singing) Ok, here´s myruling.(sings)Bop, bop, boop, boop. Bop,bop, boop,boop. Bop, bop, boop, boop. Everybody acts like a foolsometimes,(confused look on Margaret´s face, Aaronuses cocoa butter tube like a mic)You lent some moneyto this stupid fool(Dale shrugs)you ain´t gonna get itback babe, next time you make a loan you should put itin writing, that´s just common sense. Everybody nowleaves the courtroom, leave.(stops singing)Good nighty´all.

Announcer: Guests of City Court with Aaron Nevillestay at Aaron Neville´s house.(Photo of white and bluehouse-boat on a river.Caption:Aaron Neville´s house)And special thanks to Queen Helene´s cocoabutter(photo of Queen Helene cocoa butterrecipient)Now that we mentioned your product, pleasesend us free stuff.

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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