SNL Transcripts: Hilary Swank: 02/19/05: Sheila Choad’s Los Angeles Face


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13





04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Sheila Choad’s Los Angeles Face

Sheila Choad…..Maya Rudolph
Susan Diteward…..Hilary Swank
Alyssa Hudsies…..Amy Poehler
Pamela Albert…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: You’re watching Fine Living, eww. At 1:00 PM it’s The Wealthy Golfer, followed by Where to Store Your Racecars in Tuscany. But first, Sheila Choad’s Los Angeles Face.

(SUPER: SHIELA CHOAD’S LOS ANGELES FACE)

Sheila: (with a Botox-ed face and an English accent) Good day, I’m Sheila Choad. Welcome to the Los Angeles Face, the only show dedicated to Botox and the Botox lifestyle. My guests today are Susan Diteward-

Susan: (with a Botox-ed face) I’m so excited to be here!

Sheila: Alyssa Hudsies-

Alyssa: It’s a Zen pleasure.

Sheila: And Pamela Albert.

Pamela: (with a scrunched-up face) Hey.

Sheila: Ladies, let me first say that you are all beautiful, and I am feeling so much girl power right now. Alyssa, tell us your story. How did Botox find you?

Alyssa: Sheila, I would love to. I live in Los Angeles, I’m a stay-at home non-mom. And originally I was very opposed to any forms of cosmetic procedures, but then my husband hired a 19-year old Brazilian girl to answer phones at his Mercedes dealership.

Sheila: Oh, 19 and Brazilian. Double whammy! (Sheila and Alyssa both try to laugh, but are having difficulties.) Susan, how about you? What inspired you to inject botchenism into your face?

Susan: Well Sheila, I work in the highly competitive entertainment industry.

Sheila: Ah, indeed yes.

Susan: And if I don’t look fresh and sexy, these Hollywood executives will find someone who does.

Sheila: I see. What is it that you do exactly?

Susan: I operate the Revenge of the Mummy roller coaster at Universal Studios.

Sheila: And you look gorgeous doing it. Take a look at Susan’s before picture. (A picture of what Hilary Swank actually looks like, except with a slightly misshapen head.) Oh, that’s awful! How embarrassing!

Susan: Now no one can tell that I just turned 26.

Sheila: Oh, thank God!

Susan: How about you, Sheila?

Sheila: Excuse me?

Susan: What made you choose Botox and collagen?

Sheila: (Uncomfortable) Um… no, I’ve never gotten… any of those. I’m just… the paid host of the show.

Alyssa: Really?

Sheila: (Angry) Yes bitch, really. Don’t give me that look. (Alyssa looks confused, but doesn’t move her face.) Now, on to Pamela. Pamela, how has your life been enhanced for Botox?

Pamela: (With a muffled voice) Well, I read an ad in the Orlando Central saying the nail salon behind Howard Johnson’s was having a Botox sale!

Sheila: Uh-huh, I see.

Pamela: But I didn’t have the whole $99, so the guy said he’d do half my face for 50.

Sheila: Uh-huh.

Pamela: But it turns out it wasn’t real Botox. He injected my face with a mixture of salmonella and (Trying to say “scorpion venom,” but comes out muffled)

Sheila: (Confused) Scope and lemon?

Pamela: Scorpion venom!

Sheila: Oh, scorpion venom! My goodness! What a terrible thing!

Alyssa: Oh my God, so tragic!

Susan: To think someone would do that enrages me! I’m so enraged right now!

Pamela: Yeah. Plus he did some weird credit card fraud on me, and now I owe $2,000 to a cell phone store in Miami!

Sheila: Damn it! I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry today! And now look at me, I’m- I’m crying like a baby!

Susan: Me too!

Alyssa: Am I?

Pamela: Yeah. It’s hard for me to feed myself.

Sheila: (Not understanding) What?

Pamela: It’s hard for me to feed myself!

Sheila: (Still not understanding) What’s that?

Pamela: It’s hard for me to feed myself!

Sheila: Wonderful. Good for you. Ladies, If you have had any advice for potential Botox clients, what would it be?

Alyssa: Um, I would just say, do it. Do it for yourself, and also just do it because everyone else is doing it.

Susan: If you find a doctor who’s really willing to work with you, you can get him to put Botox in your bikini area. It makes you look really rested down there.

Sheila: Pamela?

Pamela: Umm, if a guy says he left his medical license if Cuba, umm, maybe you should just get out of there. (Pauses) Especially if he’s wearing a Burger King uniform!

Sheila: Once again, I didn’t catch any of that. Join us next week on the Los Angeles Face when my guests will be Nicole Kidman (Pauses) ‘s dog walker, and comedienne Jerry Shandly. Buh-bye!

(Fades Out)

Submitted by: Casey Ellis

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