Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 13
Sheila Choads Los Angeles Face
Sheila Choad…..Maya Rudolph
Susan Diteward…..Hilary Swank
Alyssa Hudsies…..Amy Poehler
Pamela Albert…..Rachel Dratch
Announcer: Youre watching Fine Living, eww. At 1:00 PM its The Wealthy Golfer, followed by Where to Store Your Racecars in Tuscany. But first, Sheila Choads Los Angeles Face.
(SUPER: SHIELA CHOADS LOS ANGELES FACE)
Sheila: (with a Botox-ed face and an English accent) Good day, Im Sheila Choad. Welcome to the Los Angeles Face, the only show dedicated to Botox and the Botox lifestyle. My guests today are Susan Diteward-
Susan: (with a Botox-ed face) Im so excited to be here!
Sheila: Alyssa Hudsies-
Alyssa: Its a Zen pleasure.
Sheila: And Pamela Albert.
Pamela: (with a scrunched-up face) Hey.
Sheila: Ladies, let me first say that you are all beautiful, and I am feeling so much girl power right now. Alyssa, tell us your story. How did Botox find you?
Alyssa: Sheila, I would love to. I live in Los Angeles, Im a stay-at home non-mom. And originally I was very opposed to any forms of cosmetic procedures, but then my husband hired a 19-year old Brazilian girl to answer phones at his Mercedes dealership.
Sheila: Oh, 19 and Brazilian. Double whammy! (Sheila and Alyssa both try to laugh, but are having difficulties.) Susan, how about you? What inspired you to inject botchenism into your face?
Susan: Well Sheila, I work in the highly competitive entertainment industry.
Sheila: Ah, indeed yes.
Susan: And if I dont look fresh and sexy, these Hollywood executives will find someone who does.
Sheila: I see. What is it that you do exactly?
Susan: I operate the Revenge of the Mummy roller coaster at Universal Studios.
Sheila: And you look gorgeous doing it. Take a look at Susans before picture. (A picture of what Hilary Swank actually looks like, except with a slightly misshapen head.) Oh, thats awful! How embarrassing!
Susan: Now no one can tell that I just turned 26.
Sheila: Oh, thank God!
Susan: How about you, Sheila?
Sheila: Excuse me?
Susan: What made you choose Botox and collagen?
Sheila: (Uncomfortable) Um no, Ive never gotten any of those. Im just the paid host of the show.
Sheila: (Angry) Yes bitch, really. Dont give me that look. (Alyssa looks confused, but doesnt move her face.) Now, on to Pamela. Pamela, how has your life been enhanced for Botox?
Pamela: (With a muffled voice) Well, I read an ad in the Orlando Central saying the nail salon behind Howard Johnsons was having a Botox sale!
Sheila: Uh-huh, I see.
Pamela: But I didnt have the whole $99, so the guy said hed do half my face for 50.
Pamela: But it turns out it wasnt real Botox. He injected my face with a mixture of salmonella and (Trying to say scorpion venom, but comes out muffled)
Sheila: (Confused) Scope and lemon?
Pamela: Scorpion venom!
Sheila: Oh, scorpion venom! My goodness! What a terrible thing!
Alyssa: Oh my God, so tragic!
Susan: To think someone would do that enrages me! Im so enraged right now!
Pamela: Yeah. Plus he did some weird credit card fraud on me, and now I owe $2,000 to a cell phone store in Miami!
Sheila: Damn it! I promised myself I wasnt going to cry today! And now look at me, Im- Im crying like a baby!
Susan: Me too!
Alyssa: Am I?
Pamela: Yeah. Its hard for me to feed myself.
Sheila: (Not understanding) What?
Pamela: Its hard for me to feed myself!
Sheila: (Still not understanding) Whats that?
Pamela: Its hard for me to feed myself!
Sheila: Wonderful. Good for you. Ladies, If you have had any advice for potential Botox clients, what would it be?
Alyssa: Um, I would just say, do it. Do it for yourself, and also just do it because everyone else is doing it.
Susan: If you find a doctor whos really willing to work with you, you can get him to put Botox in your bikini area. It makes you look really rested down there.
Pamela: Umm, if a guy says he left his medical license if Cuba, umm, maybe you should just get out of there. (Pauses) Especially if hes wearing a Burger King uniform!
Sheila: Once again, I didnt catch any of that. Join us next week on the Los Angeles Face when my guests will be Nicole Kidman (Pauses) s dog walker, and comedienne Jerry Shandly. Buh-bye!
Submitted by: Casey Ellis