Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 13
Chad Lowe…..Will Forte
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Man #1…..Seth Meyers
Man #2…..Fred Armisen
[open on crowd of people dressed in formal wear] [dissolve to interior tiered seating area with Hilary and Chad]
Hilary: This is so amazing. This such a special night and I am surrounded by everyone that matters to me. Especially you, Chad.
Chad: Oh, well, your friend better get here soon, because I think they’re about to start.
Hilary: Yeah, I know.
Chad: I bet you’re the only person to take your first babysitter to the Oscars.
Hilary: Well, we used to put on plays in my living room, and that’s when I really fell in love with acting. Oh, my God! Here she is! Hi, Deb! [stands and hugs Debbie, who enters from the left.
Debbie: Hey, sorry I’m late. There was an accident on the 405. From the looks of it, there may have fatalities. You gotta assume that when they bring out the jaws of life. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh] [dissolve to jingle montage]
Jingle: You’re enjoying your day. / Everything’s going your way. / Then along comes Debbie Downer. / Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease. / A car accident or killer bees. / You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please!” / But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”[zoom on Debbie’s sad face] [dissolve to seating area, with Hilary and Debbie now seated]
Hilary: I’m so glad you’re here. Chad, this is Debbie. She used to babysit me.
Chad: Hi, nice to meet you, Debbie. [they shake hands]
Debbie: Hi. Wow, Hilary, you really look like a movie star.
Hilary: Oh, you look nice, too.
Debbie: Yeah, it’s hard to find dresses that hang right on my frame. Way to go, scoliosis. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Man #1: [from the seat behind Hilary] So, you got the speech ready, Hilary?
Man #2: [from next to Man #1] You better be thanking us!
Hilary: Oh, come on guys!
Man #1: Ooh, check out the diamonds!
Hilary: [puttings her fingertips to her diamond earrings] Harry Winston!
Debbie: Yeah, just think, one of those diamonds could probably pay to rebuild countless homes destroyed by the tsunami. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wahhhhh] [lights dim]
Hilary: Okay guys, I think it’s about to start.
Debbie: [slips off her jacket to reveal a large red ribbon] Okay, wow.
Man #1: Hey, wow, that’s a pretty big ribbon.
Debbie: Oh, yeah, I had a normal-sized one until two weeks ago when they discovered the super strain. [camera closes in very tightly on Debbie’s face as she grimaces crookedly with trumpet: prolonged wah wahhhhh]
Chad: So, this was your favorite babysitter?
Hilary: Well, I guess back then I thought she was dark and cool, but now I see she’s just a huge ass-ache.
Chad: Well, here’s the good news: The show’s only six hours long.
Debbie: [to the men behind her] And if you’re getting a new puppy, do me a favor: check it for ringworm; makes rabies look like the common cold. [camera closes in very tightly on Debbie’s face with sound effect: rawr rawwwwwr] [dissolve to exterior of Kodak Theatre with title: “FOUR HOURS LATER”] [dissolve to seating area]
Debbie: Boy, that was my favorite part of the night: honoring those we lost this year. Sad thing is, most of those deaths were preventable.
Hilary: Why doesn’t she just shut it?
Announcer: Coming up next, the Oscar for Best Actress.
Hilary: Oh, my God, here it comes! I’m so nervous! [smiles and giggles]
Chad: Oh, I’m so proud of you.
Debbie: [leaning across Hilary] Hey, did you guys hear the Prime Minister of Lebanon was assassinated? [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: deep wahhhhh]
Hilary: I can’t take it anymore! You know what, Debbie? You’re a nightmare! This was supposed to be one of the best nights of my life, and all you’ve done is talk about death, tragedy, and the fact your fancy shoes are aggravating your planters warts.
Debbie: Don’t blame me. Blame the pool area at the La Quinta Inn. [camera closes in very tightly on Debbie’s face as she frowns distastefully with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Hilary: Ugh, I don’t even want to find out who wins. I’m getting a drink. [stands and exits]
Debbie: [stands and takes Hilary’s seat next to Chad] Mmm, looks like it’s just you and me.
Chad: Well, nice going, Debbie. Now there’s no way I’m going to get thanked. Again. [stands and exits]
Debbie: Sorry guys, I can’t make it to the after-party. [cups hand to mouth to shout] Finger foods do a real number on my GI tract. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wahhhhh] [dissolve to end title card with close-up of Debbie’s face]
Jingle: No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!
Debbie: Guess who’s in bed together: North Korea and nukes.
Submitted by: DavidK93