Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 13
Arthur Grayson ..Jim Downey
[SUPER: “Grayson Moorhead Investments”] [Open on Arthur Grayson, sitting behind a desk in an opulent office]
Arthur Grayson: On Wall Street, there are different types ofinvestors, just as there are different types of investment firms tocater to their needs.[graph shown of ten-year investment rising over time]
Some seek aggressive capital appreciation, combined with short-termemerging market gains.[graph shown of a different ten-year investment rising over time]
Others prefer a value-driven model balanced by steady dividend growth.
And each strategy, we suppose, has its place. But at GraysonMoorhead, we take a somewhat different approach.[graph shown of ten-year investment quickly sinking to zero; back to Grayson]
You see, in choosing stocks for investment, we at Grayson Moorheadhave never followed the conventional Wall Street wisdom — all thebusiness about price to earnings ratios and dividend payout rates, orreturn on common equity. To us, it’s something intangible: a feelingin the gut; a tingle at the back of the neck; a voice whispering inthe ear that says, “These are important companies doing importantthings.” We want our clients to be a part of it. Companies like:[Company portfolios are shown]
Crocodile Dundee Smoked Dingo Sausage. Excelsior She-Male EscortServices. The President Lyndon B. Johnson Commemorative WristwatchCompany. Goliath Extra-Large Cellular Phones. Rosie Magazine. Gloria Vanderbilt Jeans for Men. And Enron.[Grayson sits by the fire]
Most of these companies are now bankrupt. Others have been exposed asfronts for a variety of criminal enterprises. Every single one ofthem has lost staggering amounts of money for our investors. But atGrayson Moorhead, we have always felt — and we like to think ourclients would agree that when you lose your life savings because youbelieved in something greater than yourself, you haven’t really lostit all. For when it comes to investing, there are more importantthings than making money. If you don’t understand that, maybe we’renot the company for you.[He turns towards the fire, settling into his chair]
Announcer: Grayson Moorhead. Losing our clients’ money with dignityand pride since 1926.
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