Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 13
Grayson-Moorhead Securities II
Arthur Grayson ..Jim Downey
[SUPER: Grayson Moorhead Investments]
Female Announcer: A message to our clients from the investment firm of Grayson Moorhead.
[Male announcer reads the following quote, attributed to TheodoreRoosevelt, as the quote is superimposed on screen over a bust ofRoosevelt]
Male Announcer: “Far better it is to dare mighty things, even though risking failure, than to take rank with those timid souls who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”
[Cut to Arthur Grayson, walking around his office]
Arthur Grayson: The last eighteen years have been difficult ones for our clients, but, oh, did they dare mighty things. Consider, forexample, those who invested in our Twenty-First Century Tax AdvantagedSelect Growth Fund. I wish I had that kind of courage.
[He opens up his liquor cabinet and makes himself a drink]
This fund, one of the boldest and most revolutionary ever launched onWall Street, was intended to combine long-term equity growth, steadycapital formation, reliable dividend yield, and minimal tax exposure.
[Graph shown of the investment losing money at a staggering rate,plummeting farther and farther into the red over time]
Unfortunately, it instead turned out to combine immediate capitalhemorrhaging with flat or non-existent dividend growth, followed by aperiod of stagnation, then more capital hemorrhaging, and,surprisingly for a tax-exempt fund, extremely heavy back-end taxpenalties.
[Back to Grayson]
In addition, many investors were referred for criminal prosecution bythe Securities and Exchange Commission, and more than 7,000 had theiridentities stolen by the Russian Mafia, which had unwisely been givenaccess to our computer system. Three had their U.S. Citizenshiprevoked.
[He takes his drink and moves to sit by the fire]
Had you invested $100,000 in this fund five years ago, that investmentwould now be worth absolutely nothing, with a federal income taxliability of nearly $840,000. But you would have something moreimportant than money — that you would have none of. You would havethe pride of knowing that, though you failed, you had dared mightythings, unlike those timid investors who, in the words of the poet,know neither victory nor defeat. Although I suppose investors whoplaced their money with our competitors, and thus made a fortune,could argue they actually did, in fact, know victory. And perhaps, ina financial sense, they did. But they didn’t know defeat. That issomething only our clients understand.
[He turns towards the fire, settling into his chair]
Male Announcer: Grayson Moorhead. Losing our clients’ money withdignity and pride since 1926.
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