SNL Transcripts: Hilary Swank: 02/19/05: Hot Plates


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Hot Plates

Female Diner #1…..Hilary Swank
Louis…..Kenan Thompson
Male Diner…..Seth Meyers
Female Diner #2…..Amy Poehler
Waiter #1…..Horatio Sanz
Waiter #2…..Rob Riggle
Satan…..Will Forte

[open on interior of restaurant with four people sitting around a table]

Female Diner #1: Happy birthday, Louis!

Louis: Thanks, you guys. You’re the best!

Male Diner: Happy birthday, buddy. You’re the best.

Female Diner #2: Hey, so I hear the food here is amazing.

Male Diner: Yeah.

Louis: Well, where is it? Because I am starving.

Female Diner #1: Yeah, where–Oh, here’s our waiter now.

Waiter #1: Hey-hey! There we go, folks.

Male Diner: Something smells great.

Waiter #1: [holding heat gloves] Okay, everybody. Your food is here, but I want to warn you, okay? Please be careful. The plates are extremely hot.

Waiter #2: [arriving with food cart] Very hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates!

Female Diner #1: Okay, okay, we get it. “Hot plates.”

[diners chuckle]

Waiter #1: No, seriously. [puts on heat gloves] These plates are awfully hot. Use extreme caution.

Waiter #2: Hot plates! Coming in! [hands plate to Waiter #1]

Waiter #1: Okay, here we go. [receives plate from Waiter #2] T-bone! Who’s got the T-bone?! Hot plate here! Hot plate!

Male Diner: Oh, right here. My plate. Sorry.

Waiter #1: Yaaaaah-all right! [puts plate down in front of Male Diner]

Male Diner: Oh! Oh, man! This plate is unreasonably hot! I feel the heat on my face!

Waiter #1: Yeah, you know what? I told you, watch yourself. I told you, the plate would be hot. Okay, the plates are absolutely roasting, folks.

Waiter #2: Hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates!

Female Diner #2: I’m starting to sweat. This is crazy!

Waiter #1: [receives plate from Waiter #2] Okay, who’s got the salmon?

Female Diner #1: That’s me. That’s–right here.

Waiter #1: Okay, here we go. [puts plate down in front of Female Diner #1]

Female Diner #1: [leaning over the plate] Oh, it looks good!

Waiter #1: Agh! Be careful! Get your hair off the plate! And if I were you, I’d roll up those sleeves. The plate is hot as lava!

Waiter #2: Hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates!

[smoke begins to rise around Female Diner #1’s plate]

Female Diner #1: My plate’s burning the tablecloth.

Waiter #1: Don’t worry, everybody. The tablecloths are made of a heat-resistant asbestos.

Male Diner: Hey, isn’t asbestos dangerous?

Waiter #1: Okay, guy? These plates and how hot they are are the least of your worries, all right?

Waiter #2: Hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates! All right, who had the baby field greens with gargonzola and walnuts?

Louis: Yeah, that’s me, right over here.

Waiter #1: [receives plate from Waiter #2] Okay, sir, please, watch it, because the closest comparison I can give you to this plate is, like, the surface of the sun hot. Okay, be careful.

Louis: For a salad plate?

Waiter #1: Yeah. [puts plate down in front of Louis] [plate bursts into flames]

Louis: Aaaaah! Oh, my lordness! My salad is on fire!

Waiter #1: It’s not the salad! It’s the plate!

Waiter #2: Hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates!

Male Diner: Hey, excuse me, waiter? The hot plate kind of overcooked my steak. [holds up his very burnt steak on a fork]

Waiter #1: You know what? I don’t go to where you work and tell you what to do, do I? Where do you work, by the way?

Male Diner: I’m a waiter over at Four Oaks.

Waiter #1: Oh, that’s a nice place.

Male Diner: Yeah.

Waiter #1: I’ll be right back with your food.

Female Diner #1: Um, my plate looks like it may be burning through the table. [plate burns through table and falls amid a cloud of steam, she and Louis gasp]

Male Diner: What is going on?!

Louis: You know, I suddenly feel like I might want to touch my plate.

Female Diner #1: No, you idiot! He just told you how hot they are!

Louis: I can’t resist it any longer! I have to touch that plate! [grasps his right hand in his left and guides it to the plate, screaming in pain upon making contact]

Female Diner #2: What happened?

Louis: Pinky touched the plate. [puts pinky finger into glass of water, which sprays up a large jet in response]

Male Diner: Oh, my God!

Female Diner #1: I gotta admit, it’s getting pretty tempting to touch his plate.

Male Diner: Are you crazy?! Didn’t you just see what happened to Louis?! Goddamn these plates!

Female Diner #1: I hear what you’re saying, but I have to touch the plate! [reaches her right hand to the plate and screams]

Louis: Oh, why did she touch the plate?!

Female Diner #1: He was right! [she tries to pull her hand from the plate, but the heat has fused her skin to it] My hand melted!

[diners scream wildly in terror as Waiter #1 arrives, waring a welding mask on top of his heat, and attempts to pry her fingers from the plate]

Waiter #1: We’re going to deal with that later. But now, something a little more important. Who had the scallop plate?! Scallops?!

Female Diner #2: Right here! My plate! Scallops, right here!

Male Diner: [shrieking] How do you still want the scallops?!

Waiter #1: Now, guys, I have to warn you. These scallops–the plate for these scallops is unlike any other plate in the restaurant. It is hot, do you understand?! It’s unholy hot. You have to avert your eyes when I bring the plate. [lowers welding mask] Whatever you do, don’t look at the plate.

[Waiter #2 arrives, also wearing a welding mask, and holding the plate in tongs. He transfers the tongs to Waiter #1’s hands, and Waiter #1 sets it down in front of Female Diner #2. A fiery, purple-red light shines on her, and all diners recoil with their hands over their faces.]

Female Diner #2: God, you know, I need to look at that plate.

Female Diner #1: No, no, no, I wouldn’t do that!

Waiter #1: Please don’t, not without the mask!

Female Diner #1: He’s even wearing a welder’s hat!

Female Diner #2: I know, I know the risks, yet still I’m compelled. I must look at that plate! [she lowers her hands, leans over the plate, and screams in pain as she falls back with her hands over her eyes]

Female Diner #1: What happened?!

Male Diner: What do you think?! She burned her eyes looking at the plate!

Louis: Oh, we told you not to look at it!

[shot returns to Female Diner #2 to show that she is now a skeleton, with a dramatic musical cue, and all diners scream in terror and anguish]

Female Diner #2: It’s so damn hot!

Satan: Because, my dear, you’re in hell! [cackles as lights flicker with dramatic music, and smoke rises around him, before all effects suddenly stop] But do enjoy your meal.

Male Diner: Thank you.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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