Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 13
Hilary Swank’s Monologue
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Hilary Swank!
Hilary Swank: Thank you! I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live! I just thought it would be good to do something really stressful the week before the Academy Awards, so that Oscar night will seem really relaxing by comparison. Now, I don’t know if you guys have seen Million Dollar Baby yet (applause) Thank you! Without giving too much away, I can tell you, it ain’t a comedy. Now, I haven’t done a lot of comedy before, so I really had to work hard this week, and I like to do my homework. So, I spent the week studying the cast. You would not believe how intensely these guys prepare! Well, come on, I’ll show you! (Walks stage left of home base to a set area that is deserted except for Chris Parnell jumping rope in a red exercise outfit.) Here’s Chris. Now, Chris, um, you’re getting ready for a Richard Simmons sketch?
Chris: (laughs) No, Hilary. I like to do 18 minutes of intensive cardio exercise right before each show. Really gets your juices flowing, Hilary. Give it a try. (hands her the jump rope) And, don’t be frustrated if it’s a little hard at first.
Hilary Swank: (takes the jump rope) Oh, okay. (does a swishy thing with the jump rope and then begins jumping faster than Chris was, although she stumbles once. Applause. Then she grins and hands the rope back to Parnell and runs away upstage right.)
Chris: Alrighty good for you.
Hilary Swank: (running around the audience) Will and Maya taught me that there are totally different kinds of vocal warm-ups you have to do for comedy. (reaches Will and Maya behind the audience)
Will and Maya: (unison) Bilbo Baggins bent on bended knee. (They repeat this as Hilary joins in.) I would like to buy a tuxedo for my dog, Mr. Weisenheimer.
Maya: (Stops Hilary) No, Hilary, Hilary, dig down deep. From, from, your yoni.
Hilary Swank: (Raises her eyebrows and nods. Speaks loudly and throatily) Mr. Weisenheimer!
Maya: Very good, very good. (sticks out her tongue) Rah, rah, rah.
Will: (Joins in with the noises) Va, na dah
Hilary Swank: (Joins in)
Maya: Ba bay bee bo boo
Hilary Swank: Thanks guys!
Hilary Swank: (Continues to make noises and faces as she walks down a hall.) Now, on Saturday, Horatio drinks nothing but liquid egg whites, for energy. (She has reached Horatio and taps him on the shoulder. He is carrying a pitcher full of a mysterious white liquid.) Oh here, lemme have a hit of that. (Grabs the pitcher and takes a gulp. She makes a face.) Horatio, that’s mayonnaise!
Horatio: Is it? (Takes a gulp) So it is. I must take my nutritionist to task! (Dips a piece of bread in the pitcher and eats it.) Post haste!
Hilary Swank: (Rolls her eyes and leaves Horatio, walking down another hall.) Now, Kenan taught me that the biggest thing in live television, is that you have to be relaxed. Like in sports, you need to be in a state of relaxed readiness. (reaches Kenan’s dressing room door, knocks) Kenan! (When there is no answer, she motions to the camera and opens the door. She enters and sits next to Kenan, who is slumped on a couch and dressed as Queen Latifah at the Grammys. He is snoring, but his eyes are open.) Now, Kenan is so deeply relaxed. Check this out! He can actually sleep with his eyes open! And he’s in costume, ready to perform comedy at any time. Watch this. (talks in his ear) Kenan, Kenan, you’re on!
Kenan: (wakes up) Wh-What? (unintelligible) Welcome to the two thousand and five Grammy Awards. (blinks, then slumps back down on the couch)
Hilary Swank: Isn’t that amazing? Kenan, it’s time for Update!
Kenan: (Wakes up again. As Bill Cosby.) What? I love the Jello pudding pops! (slumps down again)
Hilary Swank: (Gets up, walks out) The only other person I knew who could do that, is Morgan Freeman. (Approaches Rachel’s door) Now, Rachel never let me in her dressing room. She’s very private about her process. But, maybe we can get a sneak peek. (Grins, motions to the camera, and opens the door and enters.)
Rachel: You don’t own me. (We see Rachel is dressed in a pink nightie and hairnet, holding a large bottle of liquor. She is talking to something we can’t see.) You’re not the boss of me! (takes a swig) You’re not the boss of me! What you smilin’ at, four eyes, huh? (We see she is talking to a huge photo of Tina Fey.) Whatchoo smiling at?! (She hurls the bottle at the the photo. She looks around, breathing heavily.)
Hilary Swank: Whoa, let’s get out of here. (Exits) Um, who knew Rachel Dratch’s comedy came from such a dark place? (Goes down a corridor to another hall) Whoa. Wow. That’s a lotta anger coming out of such a tiny body. (She reaches Amy and Seth, who appear not to notice her.)
Seth: So I think, you know, when the Little Sleuths come in, that’s, you know, when we’re gonna start it.
Amy: Yeah yeah yeah, we just gotta keep our energy up.
Seth Meyers: Yeah yeah yeah. Absolutely, you know-
Hilary Swank: These guys, they like to study their old scripts to go over them again and again.
Seth: (to Amy) I’m really happy we’re doing this scene.
Amy: Me too. (They look as if they are about to hug, and then start wildly making out.)
Hilary Swank: Um hey guys, are you ready for the show?
Amy: (They stop) Oh hey!
Seth: Haha, we didn’t see you!
Amy: You were standing right next to us. We just have, what we do to get in the funny zone.
Seth: Yeah yeah yeah, get in the funny zone.
Hilary Swank: Well, I definitely want to get in the funny zone. (Starts making out with Seth, then they stop and laugh)
Seth: Hahaha, that was so funny!
Hilary Swank: That was hilarious! I’m ready! (runs off)
Amy: (looks pissed) What the hell was that?
Seth: What? I have to, she’s the host!
Amy: (pause) I love how spineless you are. (They go at it again. Seth pushes her onto a cafeteria table, knocking over bowls of fruit.)
Hilary Swank: (back at home base) Alright! I am pumped, I am in the zone I’m vaguely nauseous let’s start this thing! We have got a great show for you, Fiddy Cent is here! (applauds) So stick around, we’ll be right back!
Submitted by: Hillary