SNL Transcripts: Hilary Swank: 02/19/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Tom Jankeloff…..Fred Armisen
Morgan Freeman…..Finesse Mitchell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories. On Tuesday, jury selection for the Michael Jackson trial was postponed when the popstar was taken to a hospital to be treated for flu. Which is weird, because I would have treated the pedophila. Hmm.

Amy: Earlier in the week, Michael Jackson’s attorney told prospective jurors that defense witnesses in his child molestation trial could include celebrities such as: (shows pictures) Elizabeth Taylor, Nick and Aaron Carter, Diana Ross, Cory Feldman, Peter Pan, Mighty Mouse, Captain Crunch, Dancing Spoon in a Top Hat, and Larry King.

It has been estimated that by Wednesday more than one million people will have been to Central Park to see the art installation “The Gates.” Though I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who gets it.

Tina: Disgusting, ew! We sent one of our Weekend Update roving reporters to check out the gates firsthand. Please welcome Native New Yorker Tom Jankeloff.

Tom Jankeloff: Thanks. So, uh, since they were revealed last week, the whole world’s been talking nonstop about these gates. But I as a New Yorker wanted to see what all the regular New Yorkers had to say about it, so I went to Central Park to find out. Here’s what happened.

(We go to him standing in the Park with a microphone, wearing a Mets windbreaker.)

Tom Jankeloff: Hi, I’m Tom Jankeloff. What is art? Where does art end and reality begin? Who looks at art? We’re gonna answer this and many other questions as we discover: The Gates!

(cut to him interviewing a middle aged woman)

Hi, how are you?

Woman: Hi, how are you?

Tom Jankeloff: Good. Whaddya think of these gates?

Woman: Unbelievable. Awesome.

Tom Jankeloff: (interrupting her) Right, right. Yeah.

Woman: They’re spectacular.

Tom Jankeloff: How did you come across knowing about them?

Woman: Well, um, I’m from Arizona, but I saw it on the Today Show-

Tom Jankeloff: Right, right, yeah, yeah.

Woman: And, uh-

Tom Jankeloff: Yeah.

Woman: I just got here last night-

Tom Jankeloff: Right, right.

Woman: So this is our first day.

(Cut to Jankeloff interviewing a middle-aged couple.)

Tom Jankeloff: How did the color make you feel?

Woman: Happy, it made my whole-

Tom Jankeloff: (Promptly walks away)

Woman: Heart…(gives up and they watch him walk away.)

(Cut to an interview with a jogger.)

Tom Jankeloff: Was it different jogging through these things? Or does jogging still suck?

Jogger: Jogging’s great. I think the gates suck.

Tom Jankeloff: Wow, really. (Jogger walks away)

(interview with a young woman)

Young Woman: I think that they bring a splash of color, to the, to the, park, and-

Tom Jankeloff: Really? Well, that’s not what I think. I think it’s time for a debate. You go first.

Young Woman: (pause) I think that the artist put it here just as an aesthetic for-

Tom Jankeloff: (shakes his head) Nah, nah…

Young Woman: -what they wanted to do-

Tom Jankeloff: Nah, nah. That’s where you’re wrong. Do yer research, do yer research.

(cut to him walking under the gates, he walks up to one)

Tom Jankeloff: Uh, this one…(knocks on it) My favorite.

(cut to him running through the gates)

I love the gates! Thank you, Cristo!

(slow motion footage of Jankeloff in the park is shown as Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” plays in the background. The subtext “In Loving Memory, Tom Jankelhoff, 1970-2005. We’ll Miss You.” appears, as some members of the audience make distressed noises. Back to Update desk.)

Tom Jankeloff: Huh, not bad, right?

Tina: Tom, Tom…that kind of makes it seem like you died, at the end.

Tom Jankeloff: Yeah, it’s a nice touch. You know, I’m a filmmaker, you know, and I thought it would be kind of an emotional ending kind of thing.

Tina: All right. Idiot Tom Jankeloff, everybody.

Amy: Mary Kay LeTourneau, the teacher who went to prison for having an affair with her twelve year old student, is going to marry the young man, who is now 22 years old. The couple is registered at Bed, Bath, and Way, Way, Way Beyond.

Tina: It’s been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea, the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush, this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran, and to keep our other 70% in Iraq.

Amy: New York Governor George Pataki, and Mayor Mike Bloomberg, broke ground on Thursday for a new hotel in Harlem. Then they walked as quickly as they could back to their limos and got the hell out of there.

A Michigan woman who pleaded guilty to driving drunk on three glasses of Listerine was sentenced Tuesday to two years probation. This is the first conviction under this law since the Scopes Monkey Trial.

Tina: No, uh, I don’t think that’s right, actually.

Amy: Oh no, I left school after fourth grade, so uh…(Strikes an innocent pose as Tina looks down at her.)

Tina: (laughing) A leading Republican said Sunday that President Bush is so worried about Social Security that he’s only able to sleep ten hours a night.

According to a new study, it is unlikely that lobsters feel pain when they are cooked. Although they do experience some shame if they end up at a Red Lobster.

Amy: In a recent Valentine’s Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says that…oh, who cares.

Tina: Yeah…websites! With the Oscars just one week away, Million Dollar Baby is generating quite a buzz with its seven nominations. Here to talk about his nomination as Best Supporting Actor, Morgan Freeman.

(A chair rolls onstage, but nobody is in it.) Uh…Mr. Freeman, are you there?

Morgan Freeman: (We hear Freeman’s voice) I couldn’t believe it was happenin’. Me, Morgan Freeman, about to do Weekend Update.

Tina: Mr. Freeman, where are you?

Morgan Freeman: Gimme a second, I’m narratin’. Here I am. (Comes onstage and sits) Thank you kindly for havin’ me, ladies.

Tina: Oh, our pleasure, Mr. Freeman. Congratulations on your nomination, you must be very excited.

Morgan Freeman: Well, as always, I’m honored. It’s not the first time for an Oscar playin’ the role of a poor white person’s friend who narrates the film. Same old, same old. Kind of old hat for me. I’ve made a career out of helping white folks solve their problems in movies. Savin’ their lives, givin’ them advice…but no more! No, sir. I think it’s time Morgan Freeman helped himself. And I’m not talkin’ about saving the world. I’m not talkin’ about making people laugh. I’m talkin’ about a grade A, flat out, no holes barred love scene. I wanna get freaky with some young hottie like every other leading man over fifty. Hell, I’m runnin’ outa time. No more advice like, “Get busy livin,’ or ‘Get busy dyin.’ I just wanna get busy. Period. I don’t wanna be drivin’ Miss Daisy. I wanna be ridin’ Miss Daisy. And you know, come to think of it, I’ve made fifteen films with Ashley Judd. What’s a brother gotta do to get some of that? So please, if anybody’s listenin’, write me a script where there’s a love scene. And when you see me in the bed, I’ll show you a true Oscar-winnin’ performance.

Amy: Investigators said Monday that blood found on the floor of a Detroit home was not that of Jimmy Hoffa, but rather a standard feature of homes in Detroit.

Tina: It was reported that for Valentine’s Day, actor David Arquette gave his wife Courtney Cox a $200,000 ruby and emerald necklace. So I guess it’s a joint checking account in that house. (laughs and some strong boos) Yeah, I’ll take it. Ooh, back at you.

Um…last week, doctors reported the discovery of a more virulent and drug-resistant strain of the HIV virus called SuperAids. Or as it’s known in Spanish, Sida Fantastico! Now, you should’ve saved that “ooh” for there. (Audience boos obligingly) There is is!

Amy: An environmentally friendly paper manufacturer in Australia has begun creating paper from marsupial manure. It’s called the New York Post. (some boos) Boo! For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Hillary

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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