Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 14
Female Cop…..Amy Poehler
Male Cop…..Kenan Thompson
Andrew: You don’t understand. It’s my car! I’m the one who reported it stolen, but then it was recovered!
Female Cop: Well, I’m sure your story will check out, but, unfortunately, our computer still lists it as stolen.
Male Cop: Look, just sit tight, alright, for an hour, okay? We’ll clear this up.
Andrew: This is just great!
Spider: What happened?
Andrew: Well, last year, my car – it got stolen, right? But then, uh, they recovered it a week later. And, tonight, they pulled me over, saying it was listed as stolen, but it’s not! It’s my car!
Spider: [ chuckles, then stops ] Oh. You’re innocent. Oh, yeah.
Andrew: What are you in here for?
Spider: This time? They say I was scalpin’ tickets outside of a Chick Corea. But, like you, I’m “innocent.”
Andrew: I am innocent!
Spider: So, what’s your name, kid?
Spider: [ reflective ] Andrew.. You know, the other.. the other guys call me “Spider.”
Andrew: [ looks around the cell, confused ] What other guys?
Spider: The other cons. After a while — [ purses his lips ] maybe you’ll get a little nickname. how about that?
Andrew: I don’t want a nickname, alright? I just want to get out of here.
Spider: [ sighs ] First time in the joint?
Andrew: The joint? This is a holding cell in Sherman Oaks!
Spider: Welome to Hell, kid! A bew fish like you, you’d get eaten up in a second! But, don’t you worry – Daddy gonna take care of you. [ stands, casually saunters toward Andrew ] Here come the Spider. Spider comin’ over..
Andrew: What are you doin’?
Spider: I’m turning’ you out, boy?
Andrew: You’re doing what?!
Spider: I’m turnin’ you out, makin’ you my little girlfriend. [ singing ] “We goin’ to the chapel, and we gonna get married..” [ grabs a hold of Andrew ]
Andrew: [ pushing Spider away ] Hey, well, don’t do that, alright!
Spider: [ grabs Andrew some more ] Spider’s gonna put you in a sleeper hold, and, when you wake up, we gonna be man and wife! Start likin’ it!
Andrew: Get your hands off me![ Andrew shoves Spider back to the bench on the opposite side of the cell ]
Spider: Oh, you’re a big boy, aren’tcha? [ chuckles ] Strong, tougher than I thought. Spider gonna regroup a little bit, take a breather. By the way, I used to be involved in a little bone-smuggling ring. [ chuckles ] You might get dem smuggler’s blues!
Andrew: I don’t think so, pal.
Spider: [ slowly rises ] Uh-oh. What’s goin’ on? [ starts creeping toward Andrew again ] Spider comin’ back. Here come Spider. What’s he doin’? Comin’ to getcha! We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the easy way — [ grabs a hold of Andrew ]
Andrew: [ resisting ] Hey, we’re not doing this at all!
Spider: I like when the little punk bitch fights back! It makes it all the better!
Andrew: Alright, okay, alright, that’s it![ Andrew picks spider up and throws him back onto his side of the cell, briefly shaking part of the sketch set ]
Andrew: Now, just sit there, alright?!
Spider: Yeah —
Andrew: Don’t make me hurt you!
Spider: I give. Uncle! I get it, you’re no stranger to the system. Hey, man – a guy wins, he wins. [ rises, walks toward Andrew while unbuckling his pants ] I guess you’re the man in the relationship – let’s have at it! [ drops his pants and turns his hind toward Andrew ]
Andrew: [ flabbergasted ] What?! Hey! Put your pants on!
Spider: I’m your bitch! Let’s do it!
Andrew: Hey, no! I’m not into men, alright?
Spider: This ain’t about sex, it’s about power. Go on, get in there.
Andrew: Alright, alright.. [ calls out ] Guard! Guard!
Spider: [ quickly puts his pants back on and sits on his bench ] What?! Come on, kid, be cool! Don’t call the guard! You’re asking for trouble, man.
Spider: ‘Cause you get labeled a snitch, man, and you never make it out the big house.
Andrew: Again – we’re in a holding cell in Sherman Oaks!
Spider: Whether it’s Sing Sing, or Sherman Oaks.. out in the yard, nobody likes a snitch!
Andrew: Would you just go over there, and shut up, please?
Spider: Fine. It’s time to do my curls, anyway.[ Spider picks up a single-pound weight and proceeds to do his curls. After a couple of curls, he breaks into tears. ]
Andrew: What’s wrong?
Spider: [ crying ] Nothing.
Andrew: You okay?
Spider: [ crying ] It’s just.. when we first hooked up —
Andrew: We did not hook up!
Spider: — it was all physical for me. I mean, at the beginning, it was just two men satisfying our natural urges —
Andrew: Nothing happened!!
Spider: — But, somewhere along the line, I fell in love! I knew I shouldn’t. Stu-pid! I can’t help it now. I love you, Andrew.. I love you. [ rises ]
Andrew: Don’t even get up. No! Hey! If you come over here, I’m gonna kick your ass!
Spider: Ooh, speaking of ass – are you reconsidering? [ reaches for his zipper as he turns around ]
Spider: Ain’t no win.[ Male Cop opens the cell door ]
Spider: Nobody here by that name!
Male Cop: I’m sorry. I meant “Spider.”
Male Cop: You’re free to go.
Spider: [ purses his lips ] Ohhh. That’s right, Boss-Man.. ain’t no big house can keep me in there.
Male Cop: Actually, your mom put up the $30 bail.
Spider: [ a beat ] That was sweet of her.
Andrew: Well.. thank God that’s over with.[ Andrew grabs Spider’s magazine to read, as the scene fades ]