SNL Transcripts: David Spade: 03/12/05: Holding Cell


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Holding Cell

Andrew…..Rob Riggle
Female Cop…..Amy Poehler
Male Cop…..Kenan Thompson
Spider…..David Spade

[ open on a close-up on the interior bars of a holding cell, as Male and Female Cop drag Andrew into the cell ]

Andrew: You don’t understand. It’s my car! I’m the one who reported it stolen, but then it was recovered!

Female Cop: Well, I’m sure your story will check out, but, unfortunately, our computer still lists it as stolen.

Male Cop: Look, just sit tight, alright, for an hour, okay? We’ll clear this up.

[ the Cops close the cell door and exit scene ] [ exasperated, Andrew sits on a bench across from an inmate reading a magazine ]

Andrew: This is just great!

Spider: What happened?

Andrew: Well, last year, my car – it got stolen, right? But then, uh, they recovered it a week later. And, tonight, they pulled me over, saying it was listed as stolen, but it’s not! It’s my car!

Spider: [ chuckles, then stops ] Oh. You’re innocent. Oh, yeah.

Andrew: What are you in here for?

Spider: This time? They say I was scalpin’ tickets outside of a Chick Corea. But, like you, I’m “innocent.”

Andrew: I am innocent!

Spider: So, what’s your name, kid?

Andrew: Andrew.

Spider: [ reflective ] Andrew.. You know, the other.. the other guys call me “Spider.”

Andrew: [ looks around the cell, confused ] What other guys?

Spider: The other cons. After a while — [ purses his lips ] maybe you’ll get a little nickname. how about that?

Andrew: I don’t want a nickname, alright? I just want to get out of here.

Spider: [ sighs ] First time in the joint?

Andrew: The joint? This is a holding cell in Sherman Oaks!

Spider: Welome to Hell, kid! A bew fish like you, you’d get eaten up in a second! But, don’t you worry – Daddy gonna take care of you. [ stands, casually saunters toward Andrew ] Here come the Spider. Spider comin’ over..

Andrew: What are you doin’?

Spider: I’m turning’ you out, boy?

Andrew: You’re doing what?!

Spider: I’m turnin’ you out, makin’ you my little girlfriend. [ singing ] “We goin’ to the chapel, and we gonna get married..” [ grabs a hold of Andrew ]

Andrew: [ pushing Spider away ] Hey, well, don’t do that, alright!

Spider: [ grabs Andrew some more ] Spider’s gonna put you in a sleeper hold, and, when you wake up, we gonna be man and wife! Start likin’ it!

Andrew: Get your hands off me!

[ Andrew shoves Spider back to the bench on the opposite side of the cell ]

Spider: Oh, you’re a big boy, aren’tcha? [ chuckles ] Strong, tougher than I thought. Spider gonna regroup a little bit, take a breather. By the way, I used to be involved in a little bone-smuggling ring. [ chuckles ] You might get dem smuggler’s blues!

Andrew: I don’t think so, pal.

Spider: [ slowly rises ] Uh-oh. What’s goin’ on? [ starts creeping toward Andrew again ] Spider comin’ back. Here come Spider. What’s he doin’? Comin’ to getcha! We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the easy way — [ grabs a hold of Andrew ]

Andrew: [ resisting ] Hey, we’re not doing this at all!

Spider: I like when the little punk bitch fights back! It makes it all the better!

Andrew: Alright, okay, alright, that’s it!

[ Andrew picks spider up and throws him back onto his side of the cell, briefly shaking part of the sketch set ]

Andrew: Now, just sit there, alright?!

Spider: Yeah —

Andrew: Don’t make me hurt you!

Spider: I give. Uncle! I get it, you’re no stranger to the system. Hey, man – a guy wins, he wins. [ rises, walks toward Andrew while unbuckling his pants ] I guess you’re the man in the relationship – let’s have at it! [ drops his pants and turns his hind toward Andrew ]

Andrew: [ flabbergasted ] What?! Hey! Put your pants on!

Spider: I’m your bitch! Let’s do it!

Andrew: Hey, no! I’m not into men, alright?

Spider: This ain’t about sex, it’s about power. Go on, get in there.

Andrew: Alright, alright.. [ calls out ] Guard! Guard!

Spider: [ quickly puts his pants back on and sits on his bench ] What?! Come on, kid, be cool! Don’t call the guard! You’re asking for trouble, man.

Andrew: Why?

Spider: ‘Cause you get labeled a snitch, man, and you never make it out the big house.

Andrew: Again – we’re in a holding cell in Sherman Oaks!

Spider: Whether it’s Sing Sing, or Sherman Oaks.. out in the yard, nobody likes a snitch!

Andrew: Would you just go over there, and shut up, please?

Spider: Fine. It’s time to do my curls, anyway.

[ Spider picks up a single-pound weight and proceeds to do his curls. After a couple of curls, he breaks into tears. ]

Andrew: What’s wrong?

Spider: [ crying ] Nothing.

Andrew: You okay?

Spider: [ crying ] It’s just.. when we first hooked up —

Andrew: We did not hook up!

Spider: — it was all physical for me. I mean, at the beginning, it was just two men satisfying our natural urges —

Andrew: Nothing happened!!

Spider: — But, somewhere along the line, I fell in love! I knew I shouldn’t. Stu-pid! I can’t help it now. I love you, Andrew.. I love you. [ rises ]

Andrew: Don’t even get up. No! Hey! If you come over here, I’m gonna kick your ass!

Spider: Ooh, speaking of ass – are you reconsidering? [ reaches for his zipper as he turns around ]

Andrew: NO!!

Spider: Ain’t no win.

[ Male Cop opens the cell door ]

Male Cop:

Spider: Nobody here by that name!

Male Cop: I’m sorry. I meant “Spider.”

Spider: Here!

Male Cop: You’re free to go.

Spider: [ purses his lips ] Ohhh. That’s right, Boss-Man.. ain’t no big house can keep me in there.

Male Cop: Actually, your mom put up the $30 bail.

Spider: [ a beat ] That was sweet of her.

Andrew: Well.. thank God that’s over with.

[ Andrew grabs Spider’s magazine to read, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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