SNL Transcripts: David Spade: 03/12/05: Holding Cell

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Holding Cell

Andrew…..Rob Riggle
Female Cop…..Amy Poehler
Male Cop…..Kenan Thompson
Spider…..David Spade

[ open on a close-up on the interior bars of a holding cell, as Male and Female Cop drag Andrew into the cell ]

Andrew: You don’t understand. It’s my car! I’m the one who reported it stolen, but then it was recovered!

Female Cop: Well, I’m sure your story will check out, but, unfortunately, our computer still lists it as stolen.

Male Cop: Look, just sit tight, alright, for an hour, okay? We’ll clear this up.

[ the Cops close the cell door and exit scene ] [ exasperated, Andrew sits on a bench across from an inmate reading a magazine ]

Andrew: This is just great!

Spider: What happened?

Andrew: Well, last year, my car – it got stolen, right? But then, uh, they recovered it a week later. And, tonight, they pulled me over, saying it was listed as stolen, but it’s not! It’s my car!

Spider: [ chuckles, then stops ] Oh. You’re innocent. Oh, yeah.

Andrew: What are you in here for?

Spider: This time? They say I was scalpin’ tickets outside of a Chick Corea. But, like you, I’m “innocent.”

Andrew: I am innocent!

Spider: So, what’s your name, kid?

Andrew: Andrew.

Spider: [ reflective ] Andrew.. You know, the other.. the other guys call me “Spider.”

Andrew: [ looks around the cell, confused ] What other guys?

Spider: The other cons. After a while — [ purses his lips ] maybe you’ll get a little nickname. how about that?

Andrew: I don’t want a nickname, alright? I just want to get out of here.

Spider: [ sighs ] First time in the joint?

Andrew: The joint? This is a holding cell in Sherman Oaks!

Spider: Welome to Hell, kid! A bew fish like you, you’d get eaten up in a second! But, don’t you worry – Daddy gonna take care of you. [ stands, casually saunters toward Andrew ] Here come the Spider. Spider comin’ over..

Andrew: What are you doin’?

Spider: I’m turning’ you out, boy?

Andrew: You’re doing what?!

Spider: I’m turnin’ you out, makin’ you my little girlfriend. [ singing ] “We goin’ to the chapel, and we gonna get married..” [ grabs a hold of Andrew ]

Andrew: [ pushing Spider away ] Hey, well, don’t do that, alright!

Spider: [ grabs Andrew some more ] Spider’s gonna put you in a sleeper hold, and, when you wake up, we gonna be man and wife! Start likin’ it!

Andrew: Get your hands off me!

[ Andrew shoves Spider back to the bench on the opposite side of the cell ]

Spider: Oh, you’re a big boy, aren’tcha? [ chuckles ] Strong, tougher than I thought. Spider gonna regroup a little bit, take a breather. By the way, I used to be involved in a little bone-smuggling ring. [ chuckles ] You might get dem smuggler’s blues!

Andrew: I don’t think so, pal.

Spider: [ slowly rises ] Uh-oh. What’s goin’ on? [ starts creeping toward Andrew again ] Spider comin’ back. Here come Spider. What’s he doin’? Comin’ to getcha! We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the easy way — [ grabs a hold of Andrew ]

Andrew: [ resisting ] Hey, we’re not doing this at all!

Spider: I like when the little punk bitch fights back! It makes it all the better!

Andrew: Alright, okay, alright, that’s it!

[ Andrew picks spider up and throws him back onto his side of the cell, briefly shaking part of the sketch set ]

Andrew: Now, just sit there, alright?!

Spider: Yeah —

Andrew: Don’t make me hurt you!

Spider: I give. Uncle! I get it, you’re no stranger to the system. Hey, man – a guy wins, he wins. [ rises, walks toward Andrew while unbuckling his pants ] I guess you’re the man in the relationship – let’s have at it! [ drops his pants and turns his hind toward Andrew ]

Andrew: [ flabbergasted ] What?! Hey! Put your pants on!

Spider: I’m your bitch! Let’s do it!

Andrew: Hey, no! I’m not into men, alright?

Spider: This ain’t about sex, it’s about power. Go on, get in there.

Andrew: Alright, alright.. [ calls out ] Guard! Guard!

Spider: [ quickly puts his pants back on and sits on his bench ] What?! Come on, kid, be cool! Don’t call the guard! You’re asking for trouble, man.

Andrew: Why?

Spider: ‘Cause you get labeled a snitch, man, and you never make it out the big house.

Andrew: Again – we’re in a holding cell in Sherman Oaks!

Spider: Whether it’s Sing Sing, or Sherman Oaks.. out in the yard, nobody likes a snitch!

Andrew: Would you just go over there, and shut up, please?

Spider: Fine. It’s time to do my curls, anyway.

[ Spider picks up a single-pound weight and proceeds to do his curls. After a couple of curls, he breaks into tears. ]

Andrew: What’s wrong?

Spider: [ crying ] Nothing.

Andrew: You okay?

Spider: [ crying ] It’s just.. when we first hooked up —

Andrew: We did not hook up!

Spider: — it was all physical for me. I mean, at the beginning, it was just two men satisfying our natural urges —

Andrew: Nothing happened!!

Spider: — But, somewhere along the line, I fell in love! I knew I shouldn’t. Stu-pid! I can’t help it now. I love you, Andrew.. I love you. [ rises ]

Andrew: Don’t even get up. No! Hey! If you come over here, I’m gonna kick your ass!

Spider: Ooh, speaking of ass – are you reconsidering? [ reaches for his zipper as he turns around ]

Andrew: NO!!

Spider: Ain’t no win.

[ Male Cop opens the cell door ]

Male Cop:

Spider: Nobody here by that name!

Male Cop: I’m sorry. I meant “Spider.”

Spider: Here!

Male Cop: You’re free to go.

Spider: [ purses his lips ] Ohhh. That’s right, Boss-Man.. ain’t no big house can keep me in there.

Male Cop: Actually, your mom put up the $30 bail.

Spider: [ a beat ] That was sweet of her.

Andrew: Well.. thank God that’s over with.

[ Andrew grabs Spider’s magazine to read, as the scene fades ]

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