SNL Transcripts: David Spade: 03/12/05: Deaf Judge

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Deaf Judge

Deaf Judge…..Seth Meyers
Doctor…..Chris Parnell
Defense…..Rachel Dratch
Proecution…..Will Forte
Idiot Doctor…..David Spade

[ open on opening montage from “Blind Justice” ] [ dissolve to the judge sitting with his doctor ]

Announcer: From the makers of “Blind Justice”, comes a new drama. About overcoming the odds, and living your dream.

Deaf Judge: I graduated at the top of my class at Harvard Law. I was the youngest circuit judge in the history of New York State. Are you telling me that I can’t be a judge anymore, just because I lost my hearing?

Doctor: [ solemnly ] I’m afraid so.

Deaf Judge: What?

Doctor: [ louder ] I’m afraid so!

Deaf Judge: Yeah, I can’t hear you!

[ freeze-frame with title ]

Announcer: “Deaf Judge.” Just because he’s deaf, doesn’t mean he’s not listening.

[ dissolve to courtroom scene, Prosecution and Defense standing before the Judge’s bench ]

Defense: Objection, Your Honor. He is badgering the witness.

Deaf Judge: What?

Defense: Objection.

Deaf Judge: Hey! I’m deaf. I can’t hear you.

Prosecution: Shouldn’t you learn to read lips?

Deaf Judge: [ looks at Prosecution curiously ] Read “mips”? That doesn’t make any sense.

[ show still shots from “Blind Justice” and “Deaf Judge” ]

Announcer: Also coming this Fall, from the makers of “Blind Justice” and “Deaf Judge”, comes television’s most gripping new drama.

[ dissolve to Idiot Doctor, dressed in scrubs with his tongue hanging out ]

Announcer: A massive head injury left him with the faculties of a four-year old child. The “Idiot Doctor.”

[ freeze frame, with title ] [ dissolve to a scene: Idiot Doctor wearing a Goofy hat while performing surgery ]

Idiot Doctor: Scalpel.

[ a scalpel is handed to him; he glances at it ]

Idiot Doctor: Ice cream.

[ an ice cream cone is held before him; he takes a bite from it ]

Idiot Doctor: Motorboat.

[ life alert beeps; the patient has died ]

Idiot Doctor: [ distraught ] Mo-tor-boat!!

Announcer: They used to call him Stupid. Now, they call him Doctor Stupid. This Fall, on ABC!

[ dissolve ot ABC logo ] [ fade ]

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