Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 14
Deaf Judge…..Seth Meyers
Idiot Doctor…..David Spade
[ open on opening montage from “Blind Justice” ] [ dissolve to the judge sitting with his doctor ]
Announcer: From the makers of “Blind Justice”, comes a new drama. About overcoming the odds, and living your dream.
Deaf Judge: I graduated at the top of my class at Harvard Law. I was the youngest circuit judge in the history of New York State. Are you telling me that I can’t be a judge anymore, just because I lost my hearing?
Doctor: [ solemnly ] I’m afraid so.
Deaf Judge: What?
Doctor: [ louder ] I’m afraid so!
Deaf Judge: Yeah, I can’t hear you![ freeze-frame with title ]
Announcer: “Deaf Judge.” Just because he’s deaf, doesn’t mean he’s not listening.[ dissolve to courtroom scene, Prosecution and Defense standing before the Judge’s bench ]
Defense: Objection, Your Honor. He is badgering the witness.
Deaf Judge: What?
Deaf Judge: Hey! I’m deaf. I can’t hear you.
Prosecution: Shouldn’t you learn to read lips?
Deaf Judge: [ looks at Prosecution curiously ] Read “mips”? That doesn’t make any sense.[ show still shots from “Blind Justice” and “Deaf Judge” ]
Announcer: Also coming this Fall, from the makers of “Blind Justice” and “Deaf Judge”, comes television’s most gripping new drama.[ dissolve to Idiot Doctor, dressed in scrubs with his tongue hanging out ]
Announcer: A massive head injury left him with the faculties of a four-year old child. The “Idiot Doctor.”
Idiot Doctor: Scalpel.[ a scalpel is handed to him; he glances at it ]
Idiot Doctor: Ice cream.[ an ice cream cone is held before him; he takes a bite from it ]
Idiot Doctor: Motorboat.[ life alert beeps; the patient has died ]
Idiot Doctor: [ distraught ] Mo-tor-boat!!
Announcer: They used to call him Stupid. Now, they call him Doctor Stupid. This Fall, on ABC!