SNL Transcripts: David Spade: 03/12/05: Deaf Judge


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Deaf Judge

Deaf Judge…..Seth Meyers
Doctor…..Chris Parnell
Defense…..Rachel Dratch
Proecution…..Will Forte
Idiot Doctor…..David Spade

[ open on opening montage from “Blind Justice” ] [ dissolve to the judge sitting with his doctor ]

Announcer: From the makers of “Blind Justice”, comes a new drama. About overcoming the odds, and living your dream.

Deaf Judge: I graduated at the top of my class at Harvard Law. I was the youngest circuit judge in the history of New York State. Are you telling me that I can’t be a judge anymore, just because I lost my hearing?

Doctor: [ solemnly ] I’m afraid so.

Deaf Judge: What?

Doctor: [ louder ] I’m afraid so!

Deaf Judge: Yeah, I can’t hear you!

[ freeze-frame with title ]

Announcer: “Deaf Judge.” Just because he’s deaf, doesn’t mean he’s not listening.

[ dissolve to courtroom scene, Prosecution and Defense standing before the Judge’s bench ]

Defense: Objection, Your Honor. He is badgering the witness.

Deaf Judge: What?

Defense: Objection.

Deaf Judge: Hey! I’m deaf. I can’t hear you.

Prosecution: Shouldn’t you learn to read lips?

Deaf Judge: [ looks at Prosecution curiously ] Read “mips”? That doesn’t make any sense.

[ show still shots from “Blind Justice” and “Deaf Judge” ]

Announcer: Also coming this Fall, from the makers of “Blind Justice” and “Deaf Judge”, comes television’s most gripping new drama.

[ dissolve to Idiot Doctor, dressed in scrubs with his tongue hanging out ]

Announcer: A massive head injury left him with the faculties of a four-year old child. The “Idiot Doctor.”

[ freeze frame, with title ] [ dissolve to a scene: Idiot Doctor wearing a Goofy hat while performing surgery ]

Idiot Doctor: Scalpel.

[ a scalpel is handed to him; he glances at it ]

Idiot Doctor: Ice cream.

[ an ice cream cone is held before him; he takes a bite from it ]

Idiot Doctor: Motorboat.

[ life alert beeps; the patient has died ]

Idiot Doctor: [ distraught ] Mo-tor-boat!!

Announcer: They used to call him Stupid. Now, they call him Doctor Stupid. This Fall, on ABC!

[ dissolve ot ABC logo ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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