Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 14
Dirtball and Burnout Convention
Tan or Grime Guys…..Will Forte, Rob Riggle, Seth Meyers
Spook Peterson…..Fred Armisen
Yvonne Shirley…..Tina Fey
Bong Girl…..Rachel Dratch
Randy Doneen…..Horatio Sanz
[ open on Spokesman standing in front of the Bakken-Camacho Convention Center ]
Spokesman: what’s crappenin’? It’s time, once again, for the annual Dirtball and Burnout Convention, this Friday and Saturday and Sunday night at the Bakken-Camacho Convention Center. If you are a dirtball, a burnout, or just someone interested in the burnout lifestyle, then this show is for you.[ Dirtball and Burnout Convention logo zooms across the screen ]
It’s all here, man: “Back Off” mud flaps featuring Yosemite Sam hisself. [ holds one up ] We gots ’em. And Levi jackets with the fake sheepskin inside? [ holds one up ] Check mark. Beer cozies from around the country and/or world? [ holds one up ] You came to the right place. How about a little of that Lowenbrau keg? Top me off. That’s right. And you won’t want to miss the “Is That a Tan or Just Grime?” contest.[ cut to three burnout dudes standing in line with their tan/grime lines exposed ]
Sometimes you can’t tell – at least, the chicks I date. That’s the fun. Pick up your free M-80’s for the kids. [ holds up a bowlful of fireworks ] And see a special appearance by Spook Peterson, the first beer league softball player ever to wear his cut-off jean shorts so short that his inner front pocket hangs out the front, just barely concealing his nuggets.
Spook Peterson: I’ll be there! [ lifts up his leg, revealing pixellated nuggets ] [ cut back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Yikes! Visit the “Shoot Shotgun Pellets to a Road Sign” booth. [ holds up a Stop sign covered with holes ] That one’s fun for the entire family. And try your luck at out-ashing the world’s long-ash champion, Yvonne Shirley.[ cut to Yvonne, holding a cigarette made almost entirely out of the ash ]
Yvonne Shirley: Bring it on, suckers.[ cut back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: I won’t take that bet. She’s good. And If you’re tweaking out on meth, that’s no prob – just visit the tweak hut. So you can go like this.. [ bounces around sporadically ] ..just like those guys who look like Bugs Bunny hanging out in front of El Pollo Loco on Crescent Heights. And you won’t want to miss the homemade bong gallery.[ cut to the Bong Girl, surrounded by an assortment of bongs ]
Bong Girl: I made this one myself, out of an STP oil treatment can, a squirrel’s elbow bone, and a pack of Trident Ice I chewed myself.[ cut back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Right arm! [ flexes his right arm ] Plus, you won’t want to miss a special performance by Kid Rock.. ‘s former roadie applicant-turned-tambourine player, Randy Doneen.[ cut to Randy, wailing away on his tambourine ] [ cut back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Get down on it, Randy. Pet untrained, dangerous dogs on various subpar leashes. And say Hi to four-time arrestee from TV’s “COPS,” Skeeter.
Skeeter: What’s up, sons of bitches? I’m gonna teach your kids how to open a beer with a Bic lighter. [ makes two unsuccessful attempts to do so, before ad-libbing: ] Some other time.[ cut back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: That’s a good one to have on a resume, for sure. It’s all crappenin’ at the Dirtball/Burnout Convention. Be there![ all of the dirtballs and burnouts seen in the previews surround the spokesman ]
All: We will!!
Spokesman: Seriously, who farted?[ cut to Dirtball and Burnout Convention logo ]
Announcer: Dirtball and Burnout Convention, this Friday, Saturday and Sunday, at the Bakken-Camacho Convention Center, just off Route 9, right next to that place where they put the dogs to sleep.[ fade ]