SNL Transcripts: David Spade: 03/12/05: Sean Penn’s Celebrity Roast


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Sean Penn’s Celebrity Roast

Written by: Joe Kelly

Sean Penn…..Seth Meyers
Bernie Mac…..Kenan Thompson
Shucky Ducky…..Finesse Mitchell
Bea Arthur…..Tina Fey
Larry the cable guy…..Rob Riggle
George Carlin…..Fred Armisen
Rita Rudner…..Rachel Dratch
Owen Wilson…..David Spade
B-Ball and Roscoe…..Will Forte
Clint Eastwood…..Darrell Hammond

(Opens with the Los Angeles skyline, fanfare music andthe Sean Penn’s Celebrity Roast logo with Sean’ssourpuss looking face in the middle of it)

Announcer: Live from Hollywood, California. Welcome toSean Penn’s Celebrity Roast with your host Sean Penn.Sean welcomes celebrity roasters Bernie Mac, GeorgeCarlin, Rita Rudner, Larry the Cable Guy, JeffreyRoss, Bea Arthur, Shucky Ducky, Jeremy Irons, B-Balland Roscoe, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson and in the hotseat tonight our honoree, 2 time Academy Award WinnerClint Eastwood. (Cut to live transmision of the event,Clint smiles, applause) And now here’s your roastmaster Sean Penn.(Sean slowly walks up to the podiumwith a a gloomy, sad look on his face)

Sean Penn: Thank you and welcome to Sean Penn’sCelebrity Roast. Tonight we honor Mr. Clint Eastwood.And I hope the barbs and jests you endure are asenduring as the work you have blessed us with over theyears. Now let’s bring out our first roaster BernieMac, a man so black…

Shucky Ducky: HA,HA! HOW BLACK IS HE?!!!

Sean: He is so black he has suffered 400 years of thiscountry’s racism and injustice. And for this Mr. Mac,I apologize.

(Some confused looks from Shucky Ducky and Bernie,Bernie steps up to the podium, Sean sits down)

Bernie Mac: What’s up, Hollywood!! Ha,ha! ClintEastwood…man just won an Oscar. “Million DollarBaby” Ha! I ain’t gonna lie to you Hollywood, I didn’tlike that movie. It wasn’t believable. Ain’t no whitegirl gonna be that good a boxer. Ha,ha! “MillionDollar Baby”? They should’ve have Lil’Kim up in there,call it “20 Dollar Ho'” Ha,ha,ha! ok, seriouslythough, I got to ask a question about Clint Eastwood.How old is this man? Clint’s so old his first moviewas drawn on the wall of a cave Ha,ha,ha! It wasdirected by Moses! Ha,ha,ha! Do you hear me Hollywood?This is an old ass sommammabitch!! I’m out!

(Applause, Bernie leaves, Sean arrives at the podiumand goes after Bernie Mac)

Sean: Forgive my compromise sense of humor but I didwanna answer our roaster’s question about how old Mr.Eastwood is. He is exactly as old as the timelessnessof his work.

(Bernie is quite uncomfortable, fixes his tie)

Bernie: It was a joke, Sean Penn.

Sean: What wasn’t a joke was Hillary Swank’s trainingand dedication that made her performance not onlybelievable but unforgettable.

Clint Eastwood: Hey, kid relax here. It’s just aroast.

(Sean loooks him dead in his eye, serious as a hell)

Sean: Our next roaster, George Carlin, has been doingcomedy for some long…

Shucky Ducky: How long has….

Sean: So long that when he walks into a club theyounger comics say, “Thank you, you have been aninspiration to us.” George Carlin.

(Sean leaves podium, sits, George already mic on handstruts up to the podium)

George Carlin: A lot of people talking about ClintEastwood…making movies “Go ahead, make my day” Howwould he make you a day? I can make you a sandwich butI can’t make you a day. “You want lettuce with thatday?” (long pause)Names-a lot of people talking aboutnames…(another pause)What kind of a name is Clint?”Hi. I’m Clint” What’s your wife’s name? “Brunch!”Hey, Clint I got a name for you…Douchebag! Have a niceday!

(Applause, George leaves podium, Sean gets upobviously annoyed)

Sean: I’m not even gonna dignify that with a response.Our next presenter was in the film Shangai Knightswith Jackie Chan. I saw that movie and let me tellyou, there’s 2 hours of my life that I’ll cherishforever. Thank you. Owen Wilson. (Sean leaves, Owensteps up)

Owen Wilson: Hey, what’s going on? How is it goingClint? Celebrity Roast Clint Eastwood, there’s noreason this shouldn’t be fun. Anyway, like Bernie Macwas saying Clint, you’re old man. You’re old. Clint’sface is so wrinkly that when I walked in the room andI saw you I said “Who dressed my ball sack in atuxedo?”(Clint spits his drink and laughs, close up onSean Penn’s face fuming)It’s weird, man. It’s weird.What’s going on with Dirty Harry? I have to say I wasa little dissapointed when I found out the movie wasabout a police officer. Back in Texas we all know whata Dirty Harry is. That’s when you take a girl home andyou(Bleep, while Owen points to his upper lip underhis horrendous nose)…and you leave her cabfare.(Owen pats a smiling Clint in the back, close upon Sean’s face his lower lip is quivering)Now ifyou’ll excuse me they want me to shave Bea Arthur’schest.

(Close up on Bea’s face, she frowns and signal no withher finger, holds a drink. Owen leaves, Sean steps upagain)

Sean: Please forgive my clinical absence of joy butmaybe I missed what this roast was all about.

Bernie Mac: Damn skippy! Damn skippy!

Shucky Ducky: You got that right!

Larry the cable guy: For Christ sakes!! You wereSpicoli!!!

(Sean looks at Larry with hate in his eyes)

Sean: Did anyone prepare something nice to say aboutthis man? Anyone? Rita Rudner?

Rita Rudner: This roast is as enjoyable as the time Itried to make love to my husband during the SuperBowl.

(Sean is losing it)

Sean: B-Ball and Roscoe?

B-Ball and Roscoe: Um, Sorry we mostly have fartjokes. Pfffffftttt!!!!(Through puppet)”Excuse me!”

Sean: Shucky Ducky?

Shucky Ducky: Shucky Ducky! Quack!Quack!Hahaha!!

(Sean closes his eyes trying to control his anger)

Sean: I’ll take that as a “no”. Please join me nextweek when I will be entertaining our troops in Irakwith Tim Robbins, Jeanene Garofalo and Michael Moore.Good night. And how dare you!

(Fanfare music and the event’s logo appears again withthe officially depressed Sean Penn’s face on it)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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