SNL Transcripts: David Spade: 03/12/05: CNN News Report

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

CNN News Report

Daryn Kagan…..Amy Poehler
Rick Sanchez…..Rob Riggle
Presenter…..Rachel Dratch
Martha Stewart…..David Spade
Employee…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on CNN graphic ] [ dissolve to anchors Daryn Kagan and Rick Sanchez at the desk ]

Daryn Kagan: Welcome back to CNN. I’m Daryn Kagen.

Rick Sanchez: And I’m Rick Sanchez.

Daryn Kagan: In just a moment, we’ll be going live to the Living Omnimedia offices in Manhattan, where Martha Stewart will address her employees for the first time since her release.

[ SUPER: “Stewart Release: Martha Returns to Work” ]

Rick Sanchez: While most of us get the Monday blues when going back to work, Martha Stewart is one lady who’s just happy to be out of those prison grays.

Daryn Kagan: You gonna do that joke at the top of every hour?

Rick Sanchez: Yes, ma’am.

Daryn Kagan: Those who know Martha say her prison term has changed her. That in her five-month stay at Alderson, it shifted her priorities and broadened her outlook on the world.

Rick Sanchez: Take it from me, prison will do that to you.

Daryn Kagan: What do you know about prison, Rick?

Rick Sanchez: Not a thing. I just like to hear myself talk. [ smiles wide ]

Daryn Kagan: You are an idiot.

Rick Sanchez: Your boyfriend is Rush Limbaugh.

Daryn Kagan: All right, that’s private.

Rick Sanchez: You see Rush Limbaugh naked – and you like it.

Daryn Kagan: stop it! [ a beat ] We go now, live, to Omnimedia’s Manhattan headquarters.

[ dissolve to interior, Living Omnimedia ]

Presenter: My fellow employees, it gives me great pleasure to say, “Welcome home, Martha!”

[ Martha enters wearing a homemade poncho and blowing smoke from a cigarette ] [ SUPER: “Stewart Release: Martha Addresses Employees” ]

Martha Stewart: Settle down. Settle down, nerds! Let’s not shoot our Wad at the top of the meeting here, huh? [ hands her cigarette over ] You hold that for me, baby? You’re sweet, are you new? I like your hair. Stay after.

First things first: I want to thank my block mate and dear friend, Latrice Gibbons, for crocheting me this poncho. [ Crowd awws ] I promised Latrice that when she gets out she can be Craft Editor at “Martha Stewart Living.” [ Crowd oohs ] I’m just messing with you. Latrice is never getting out. She drowned her kids. Anyway —

Presenter: Well, Martha, on behalf of the whole staff —

[ an employee steps behind Martha, holding a plate of cookies ]

Martha Stewart: Who’s that?! [ grabs employee and menacing holds a spoon up to her face ]

Employee: Hey!

Martha Stewart: Whoa! Baby, baby! Don’t you sneak up on me. I’ll cut you, bitch! I’ll cut you!

Employee: [ frightened ] Don’t cut me!

Martha Stewart: Who sent you? T.T.? Huh? I’ll cut you both! [ releases grip from employee ]

Presenter: Martha, we just baked you a basket of your favorite almond-laced cookies from your grandmother’s recipe, that’s all.

Martha Stewart: Oh. You know, I’m not even into those anymore.

Presenter: Huh?

Martha Stewart: Yeah, they had these things at Alderson’s called Chips Ahoy. Not too shabby. I was like, “where are these from?” And the guy goes, “They’re from the store.” Turns out a lot of this crap we make, you can get it at the store. So I think we can let this whole recipe thing slide for a little while.

[ an employee faints at the sound of this ]

Martha Stewart: Anyway, order of business number two: while on house arrest, I can only work 48 hours a week. Once my house arrest is over, it will be 12 hours a week. Life’s too short. I’m talking to you, lady in charge of dried flowers. Get a life.

Number three: I’m going to need a new office that faces Mecca. I’ll explain that one later.

Number four: I’m gonna stop being such a stone-cold mega-bitch all the time.

[ SUPER: “Stewart to Employees: I’ll Stop Being A Mega-Bitch” ]

Number five” I’m changing my catch phrase from “It’s a good thing” to “It’s all good.”

And, number six: I challenge anyone here to a hard-boiled egg eating contest. Huh? [ points ] You, raincoat? I knew you wouldn’t.

And, number seven: “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday night!”

[ SUPER: “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night” ]

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