SNL Transcripts: David Spade: 03/12/05: CNN News Report


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

CNN News Report

Daryn Kagan…..Amy Poehler
Rick Sanchez…..Rob Riggle
Presenter…..Rachel Dratch
Martha Stewart…..David Spade
Employee…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on CNN graphic ] [ dissolve to anchors Daryn Kagan and Rick Sanchez at the desk ]

Daryn Kagan: Welcome back to CNN. I’m Daryn Kagen.

Rick Sanchez: And I’m Rick Sanchez.

Daryn Kagan: In just a moment, we’ll be going live to the Living Omnimedia offices in Manhattan, where Martha Stewart will address her employees for the first time since her release.

[ SUPER: “Stewart Release: Martha Returns to Work” ]

Rick Sanchez: While most of us get the Monday blues when going back to work, Martha Stewart is one lady who’s just happy to be out of those prison grays.

Daryn Kagan: You gonna do that joke at the top of every hour?

Rick Sanchez: Yes, ma’am.

Daryn Kagan: Those who know Martha say her prison term has changed her. That in her five-month stay at Alderson, it shifted her priorities and broadened her outlook on the world.

Rick Sanchez: Take it from me, prison will do that to you.

Daryn Kagan: What do you know about prison, Rick?

Rick Sanchez: Not a thing. I just like to hear myself talk. [ smiles wide ]

Daryn Kagan: You are an idiot.

Rick Sanchez: Your boyfriend is Rush Limbaugh.

Daryn Kagan: All right, that’s private.

Rick Sanchez: You see Rush Limbaugh naked – and you like it.

Daryn Kagan: stop it! [ a beat ] We go now, live, to Omnimedia’s Manhattan headquarters.

[ dissolve to interior, Living Omnimedia ]

Presenter: My fellow employees, it gives me great pleasure to say, “Welcome home, Martha!”

[ Martha enters wearing a homemade poncho and blowing smoke from a cigarette ] [ SUPER: “Stewart Release: Martha Addresses Employees” ]

Martha Stewart: Settle down. Settle down, nerds! Let’s not shoot our Wad at the top of the meeting here, huh? [ hands her cigarette over ] You hold that for me, baby? You’re sweet, are you new? I like your hair. Stay after.

First things first: I want to thank my block mate and dear friend, Latrice Gibbons, for crocheting me this poncho. [ Crowd awws ] I promised Latrice that when she gets out she can be Craft Editor at “Martha Stewart Living.” [ Crowd oohs ] I’m just messing with you. Latrice is never getting out. She drowned her kids. Anyway —

Presenter: Well, Martha, on behalf of the whole staff —

[ an employee steps behind Martha, holding a plate of cookies ]

Martha Stewart: Who’s that?! [ grabs employee and menacing holds a spoon up to her face ]

Employee: Hey!

Martha Stewart: Whoa! Baby, baby! Don’t you sneak up on me. I’ll cut you, bitch! I’ll cut you!

Employee: [ frightened ] Don’t cut me!

Martha Stewart: Who sent you? T.T.? Huh? I’ll cut you both! [ releases grip from employee ]

Presenter: Martha, we just baked you a basket of your favorite almond-laced cookies from your grandmother’s recipe, that’s all.

Martha Stewart: Oh. You know, I’m not even into those anymore.

Presenter: Huh?

Martha Stewart: Yeah, they had these things at Alderson’s called Chips Ahoy. Not too shabby. I was like, “where are these from?” And the guy goes, “They’re from the store.” Turns out a lot of this crap we make, you can get it at the store. So I think we can let this whole recipe thing slide for a little while.

[ an employee faints at the sound of this ]

Martha Stewart: Anyway, order of business number two: while on house arrest, I can only work 48 hours a week. Once my house arrest is over, it will be 12 hours a week. Life’s too short. I’m talking to you, lady in charge of dried flowers. Get a life.

Number three: I’m going to need a new office that faces Mecca. I’ll explain that one later.

Number four: I’m gonna stop being such a stone-cold mega-bitch all the time.

[ SUPER: “Stewart to Employees: I’ll Stop Being A Mega-Bitch” ]

Number five” I’m changing my catch phrase from “It’s a good thing” to “It’s all good.”

And, number six: I challenge anyone here to a hard-boiled egg eating contest. Huh? [ points ] You, raincoat? I knew you wouldn’t.

And, number seven: “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday night!”

[ SUPER: “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night” ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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