SNL Transcripts: David Spade: 03/12/05: Stunt Double


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 14






04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Stunt Double

Vin Diesel…..Horatio Sanz
…..David Spade
Director…..Srth Meyers
Chrissy…..Amy Poehler
Assistant…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on tight shot, Vin Diesel and David Spade standing on a ledge ]

Vin Dielsel: All right. We got 15 seconds to climb this building before a wrecking crew knocks it down.

David Spade: How do I let you talk me into these things?

Vin Dielsel: I’ll swing in and grab the Stavros Diamond. You dismantle the explosives.

David Spade: I should have gone to Law school.

Vin Dielsel: Let’s do this.

David Spade: [ points ] Zippity doo-dah, mother humpers!

Director: And cut! [ enters scene now revealed as a movie set ] Whoo! Fantastic work, Vin Diesel. I can tell why you make the big money. David spade, good.

David Spade: Hey, Paul, listen. That zippity doo-dah line sound natural to you?

Director: As natural as the day I wrote it.

David Spade: Ah, right. Yeah, you wrote it. We’re executing your vision.

Director: So we’re coming up to the wrecking ball shot, why don’t you guys take a break and, David, I’ll call in your stunt double. Chris?

[ a shorter woman dressed exactly like David, complete with moustache, enters the set ]

Chrissy: Yeah, hey. Hey, how you doin’, David.

David Spade: Hi.

Director: How you doing, Chris?

Chrissy: [ to David ] I guess I’m gonna be taking a wrecking ball for you today.

David Spade: Hey, nice to meet you. Hey, Paul, can I talk to you?

Director: Yeah, sure.

David Spade: Is it weird that my stunt double’s a chick?

Director: Well, David, she is a perfect physical match. And she’s a pro.

Chrissy: Yeah, David, let me reassure you, I’ve had a lot of experience. You know, I was a stunt double on “war of the worlds,” with Dakota Fanning. And I’ve done both the Olsen twins.

David Spade: Yeah, me, too. What? I’m kidding.

Chrissy: I’ve doubled guys before. You know that Aaron Carter basketball video? That’s me dunking those basketballs.

Vin Dielsel: Really? I thought that was Aaron Carter.

Chrissy: Thank you, Vin Diesel. Don’t worry, David, I’ll make you look good.

David Spade: Yeah.

Vin Dielsel: I do all my stunts.

David Spade: Yeah, great. Who does your acting?

Vin Dielsel: I do.

Director: All right, guys, we’re ready for you. So, David, you’ll say your line, then we’ll cut to Vin. Chrissy, you jump in and you take the wrecking ball. All right.

[ Assistant enters shot with clap board in hand ]

Assistant: “Lethal Blood: Curse of the Stavros Diamond 2, Revenge of the Diamonds,” scene 316, take one. [ exits scene ]

Director: Action!

[ close-up of movie scene on ledge ]

Vin Dielsel: I’ll get the Diamond. You dismantle the explosives.

David Spade: I should have gone to Law school.

Vin Dielsel: Let’s do this!

David Spade: [ points ] Zippity doo-dah, mother humpers!

Director: Cut to Vin!

[ closer shot of just Vin Diesel ]

Vin Dielsel: Look out!

[ zoom out on wider shot to reveal Chrissy next to Vin, as the wrecking ball bounces off her side ]

Chrissy: No! Yikes. Ow! [ stumbles and falls ]

Director: And, cut! Yes!

Chrissy: Felt good.

Director: That was awesome, Chrissy! Great work.

David Spade: Hey, Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy. Can I have a word with you?

Director: Absolutely.

David Spade: Are we going to loop that scream, dude? I mean, sounded totally girlie to me.

Director: Okay, I didn’t notice. But, Chrissy, Chrissy, um.. we need a little less on the scream, all right?

Chrissy: Okay, okay. So not the way you told me David would do it?

Director: What’s that? [ laughs nervously ] Let’s just do it again.

Chrissy: Okay. I’m going to try some new stuff, Paul.

Director: All right, have at it.

David Spade: Hey, Paul, can I play around with that “zippity doo-dah” Line a little bit?

Director: Absolutely not.

[ Assistant enters shot with clap board in hand ]

Assistant: “Lethal Blood, the Curse of the Stavros Diamond 2: Revenge of the Diamonds,” Scene 316, take two. [ exits scene ]

Director: Action!

[ close-up of movie scene on ledge ]

Vin Dielsel: Let’s do this!

David Spade: Zippity doo-dah, mother humpers!

[ closer shot of just Vin Diesel ]

Vin Dielsel: Look out!

[ zoom out on wider shot to reveal Chrissy next to Vin, as she jumps onto the wrecking ball ]

Chrissy: Oh! Whee-ee-ee-ee!!! [ swings on wrecking ball with legs outstretched ] Hooray! I’m David Spade! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Director: [ jumps into the scene, excited ] Yes! Yes! That my friend, is a trailer moment.

Chrissy: All right. I’m going to take a break to regroup, Paul.

Director: Best in the biz, Chrissy.

David Spade: Dude, dude, that is not how I’d act at all!

Director: Really? It kinda is. I mean, look, that was hilarious, and you are the comic relief in this movie.

David Spade: Paul, she’s got a camel toe, all right? I don’t want people thinking I got a camel toe! I got enough problems with them confusing me for the dude from “Queer Eye.”

Director: Carson? I love Carson. You know, he turned your part down.

Vin Dielsel: That’s why I do all my own stunts. You know, in “The Chronicles of Riddick,” I fought fire monsters.

David Spade: Yes, I know, Vin. We all read that in “Who Cares?” Magazine.

Vin Dielsel: What? [ ambles away ]

Director: I love that I get to work with that guy! He’s good. David, do you want to do the stunt yourself?

David Spade: Look, I would, but, I told you — in “Joe Dirt,” this extra dropped a big bottle of Pepsi on my foot, and then my toenail turned black and I gave up stunts from then on, you know?

Director: All right, you know what, fine. Let’s just take a break. Chrissy needs a few minutes to nurse her baby, anyway. So —

[ David walks over to Chrissy, who holds up a baby up to her bosum ]

David Spade: Hey, who’s this little guy?

Chrissy: oh. Jake.

David Spade: Jake have a daddy? Or can anyone apply for the job?

Chrissy: Are you hitting on me?

David Spade: [ considers the question ] I think I am. Seeing a female double of myself nursing a baby has given me an unexpected chub.

Chrissy: Let me tell you the same thing I told Elijah Wood: Yes. I’ll meet you in your trailer in fifteen minutes.

David Spade: Nice. [ points to the camera ] Zippity doo dah, mother humpers! [ exits a quick stage right ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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