SNL Transcripts: David Spade: 03/12/05: : Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Horatio Sanz…..Jorge Rodriguez

Announcer: From Studio 8-H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey and here are tonight’s top stories.

On her first day back at work since going to prison Martha Stewart addressed her employees saying, “During the last five months, I’ve had the privilege to meet an incredible cross-section of people,” adding, “Thank God that’s over!”

Amy Poehler: Martha was greeted with a standing ovation. Stewart called the ovation heartwarming and mandatory.

Tina Fey: In this weeks fashion news, nothing classes up pajamas and sandals like a blazer. (Shows a picture of Michael Jackson arriving at court in the clothes just mentioned) Michael Jackson arrived over an hour late for his trial Thursday. Jackson explained that on the way to court, he got stuck in a twelve year old.

Amy Poehler: Feuding rappers 50 Cent (Amy pronounces it ‘Fiddy’ throughout) and The Game declared a truce Wednesday and donated a total of 253,000 dollars to The Boys Choir of Harlem. Uh-oh Tina! I think it’s time for Amy Poehler’s Hip-Hop Breakdown! (In a gangster voice) All right, yo yo check it! As you know, 50 and The Game, aka Curtis and Albert… got up in it cuz The Game gave mad love to 50’s enemies… Fat Joe, Jadakiss, and Jadakiss’s wife, Jada-Pinkett-Kiss. All right, all right, then 50 was hatin’ on The Game on Hot 97. The Game was like, “What! Hell no!”

Tina Fey: You know you’re a three foot tall white girl, right?

Amy Poehler: Right yeah! But it’s all good up in the hood okay, cuz they got some G-Unity flowing all right cuz you remember you guys you can’t bite the hand all right. I can’t be like, “Tina your jokes are whack, you’re tired, you’re corny, I got no love for your style, you’re…”

(Tina grabs a gun out from under the desk and shoots at Amy six times)

Amy Poehler: Ah! Nah nah not today! Yo! Not today!

(Tina shoots at Amy five more times)

Amy Poehler: My body eats bullets, bitch!

Don Pardo V/O: This has been Amy Poehler’s Hip-Hop Breakdown!

Tina Fey: You can shoot her and shoot her and nothing happens.

Condoleezza Rice told The Washington Times Friday that she would not rule out running for president in 2008, which means if elected she would become the first ever woman of freckles to hold the office.

Amy Poehler: During the interview, Rice described her stance on abortion as ‘Mildly Pro-Choice’, meaning she would support abortion except in cases where the mother is pregnant.

(Shows a picture of Arnold next to a woman body builder with huge muscles)
This week, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was very pleased with his wife Maria Shriver’s Extreme Makeover.

Tina Fey: Joan London and her husband has twins babies this week via a surrogate mother. And, by the way, that check did not clear Joan, so I’m gonna need that 800 in cash.

Amy Poehler: 800?

Tina Fey: Well, it was two babies…

Amy Poehler: Oh yeah…

British customs officials arrested a Nigerian woman at Heathrow Airport for carrying more than her own weight in edible snails. The event will be dramatized in the upcoming film, “Maria Full of Snails”.

According to a new report, children do not necessarily get enough calcium from milk and scientists suggest kale, tofu, oatmeal, and broccoli, or as children call them, the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Tina Fey: Egypt’s top archeologists said Tuesday that the results of a Kat scan done on King Tut’s mummy indicate that the boy king was not murdered but may have died from an infection after badly breaking his leg. Thus finally providing closure for King Tut’s great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson Terry Tut. (Shows a picture of a fat, pale man in a pharaoh hat)

Amy Poehler: Well everybody, it’s tax time again, and while many Americans are more comfortable doing their own taxes, one man is here to assure us that it’s okay to let someone else file our returns. Here with more, please welcome Jorge Rodriguez everybody.

Jorge Rodriguez: Thank you Amy. For many years, I always tried to do my own taxes… but it was hard with all those forms. There’s the W2 forms… the 10-99’s… the 10-40’s… uh… uh… the 9-41’s… the 10-88’s…

Amy Poehler: (Somewhat annoyed) Mmhmm… all right.

Jorge Rodriguez: the10-68’s…

Amy Poehler: Yep…

Jorge Rodriguez: uh… the 18-68’s…

Amy Poehler: All right…

Jorge Rodriguez: the 24-21’s…

Amy Poehler: Mmhmm…

Jorge Rodriguez: The, um… 88-29’s…

Amy Poehler: Okay, wow, great, okay! That sounds like a lot of paperwork, Jorge.

Jorge Rodriguez: Yeah! It was getting crazy… so crazy I needed some help. So I asked this guy I know to help me. His name is Pepe. He told me to let someone else do it. You can use H&R Block…um… Turbo Tax… um… Jackson Hewitt… E-File…

Amy Poehler: Okay! Okay! Thank you! Uh, so where did you end up going Jorge?

Jorge Rodriguez: Nowhere! My friend Pepe said he’d do it for me. So I collected all my receipts. (He pronounces the ‘p’ in receipts) Cuz he said that’s where the money is, receipts. I had them from McDonald’s… from Burger King… from Yack in the Box.

Amy Poehler: Yack in the Box? Yack in the box?

Jorge Rodriguez: Yack in the Box… Taco Bell… KFC… Del Taco… um… uh… Arby’s… What else do I like?

Amy Poehler: I don’t know uh… Fuddruckers?

Jorge Rodriguez: Excuse me!! I don’t go to no Fuddruckers!

Amy Poehler: How am I supposed to know?

Jorge Rodriguez: …Sounds nasty! But I do go to Popeye’s Chicken… uh… Chickie CoKaro’s…

Amy Poehler: Okay, Jorge, is fast food even deductible?

Jorge Rodriguez: No. Pepe lied man! And I gained a bunch of weight too… from all that fast food I ate. I had to go on a diet. I tried a lot of diets too. South Beach… I tried um… Atkins… Weight Wachers… Viewla Meal… um… uh… Slim Fast… Trim Spa… Jenny Craig… (He starts to list diets that aren’t even real) Jenny Jones… Lori Bolvige… but I couldn’t lose no weight!

Amy Poehler: Well okay Jorge, at least you got a nice tax return right?

Jorge Rodriguez: No! I got audited. Pepe lied again!

Amy Poehler: Okay, so why are you here, then?

Jorge Rodriguez: I’m looking for Pepe! Anybody seen him? I’m gonna get you, Pepe! When I see you, I’m gonna put my fist in your mouth, and open it up like an umbrella, smash out all your teeth. Your molars… your canines…

Amy Poehler: All right, thank you. Jorge Rodriguez, everyone!

Tina Fey: The Pittsburg Zoo and Aquarium plans to display the shell of a giant 22 pound lobster named Bubba who died just days after arriving there. To give you an idea of just how large Bubba was, it took a team of six marine biologists over two hours to eat him.

Amy Poehler: Psychologists are saying that teens today must face cyber-bullying, in which other teens can insult classmates through message boards, e-mail, and instant messaging. On the bright side, nerds can now hand over their lunch money using PayPal.

A Swedish company is marketing Nudie Jeans, a new brand of men’s blue jeans that never require washing, or as most guys call them jeans.

Tina Fey: A North Dakota man, who tried to walk 100 hours into Canada to see a girl he met over the internet, had to have all of his fingers and half of his toes amputated because of frostbite. Even worse, when he got there, the chick was fat!

Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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