SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 03/19/05

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 15

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 19th, 2005

Ashton Kutcher

Gwen Stefani


Demi Moore

HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) tackles the subject of steroid use in Major League Baseball.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Mark McGwire, Zell Miller.

Ashton Kutcher’s MonologueSummary: Ashton Kutcher doesn’t understand what’s the big deal about him dating an older woman, so he pulls Demi Moore (in heavily-accented old lady make-up) up to the stage so they can speak glowingly of their strange relationship.

First Hosted: 02r.

Me-HarmonySummary: The proven online matchmaking service finds their clients’ exact opposite sex match.

Note: Repeat from 04l.

OprahSummary: Oprah (Maya Rudolph) pays more attention to actor John Travolta (Darrell Hammond) than to fire victim (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, John Travolta, Julia Roberts.


Push-UpsSummary: Two years later, a nerdy guy (Ashton Kutcher) still feels humiliated by an incident involving the water cooler at his office. Determined to save face, he’s devised a scheme where he can demonstrate his strength by performing 45 push-ups. He struggles to convince his co-workers (Chris Parnell, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, Horatio Sanz) that office push-up contests are the new fad in Denver, but they easily best him in the competition, making him feel more and more foolish.

FederlineSummary: Kevin Federline (Ashton Kutcher) has started his own underwear line behind his wife Britney Spears’ back.


Gays in SpaceSummary: Brought back for Episode 2, the gay space crew crash lands on a strange planet.

Recurring Characters: Space Creature, Billiam, Gavindy, Thad.

Gwen Stefani with Eve performs “Rich Girl”Eve First Performed: 00q.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Tina and Amy do a horrible fake interview with Robert Blake footage. Consumer advocate Henry Payne (Kenan Thompson) puts the pain on a store clerk (Ashton Kutcher). Chris Parnell’s Demi Moore rap evolves into a desire to have sex with Ashton Kutcher.


Southern Baptist ChurchSummary: A white minister (Ashton Kutcher) receives an unwelcomed reception at a black Baptist church.


Action 13 NewsSummary: Perky news anchor Busy Martinez (Amy Poehler) is gaga for her hunky new co-anchor, Darren Stark (Ashton Kutcher), which fuels resentment in jilted weatherman Barry Shirtsworth (Seth Meyers).


Gwen Stefani performs “Hollaback Girl”Bio: Gwen Stefani (1969-). Singer; former lead singer of No Doubt.

Also Performed: 06h.

Cameos: 00q.


NebulzitolSummary: Woman (Amy Poehler) uses product to keep her husband (Will Forte) focused on her instead of March Madness and other sports events.




Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Mysterious PhenomenaSummary: A would-be psychic’s (Fred Armisen) predictions for the future consistently turn out to be wrong.

Record DealSummary: Wanna-be musicians *Maya Rdolph, Kenan Thompson, Finnesse Mitchell) try to secure a record deal.

Pep RallySummary: A high school cheerleader (Amy Poehler) performs nasty cheers with the help of the school mascot (Ashton Kutcher).

Pulled OverSummary: After the driver (Ashton Kutcher) is pulled over, his passenger (Seth Meyers) tries to sweet talk the police out of giving them a ticket.

Bear CitySummary: A bear hails a taxi cab.

Restraining OrderSummary: In a short film by Scott Wainio, a man (Scott Wainio) receives a restraining order.

Dinner TableSummary: A couple (Ashton Kutcher, Amy Poehler) are separated at a dinner party when the man is firced to sit on the same side of the table as the invited nerds.

Bear CitySummary: A group of pairs chase the Easter Bunny.

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