SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 03/19/05


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 15

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 19th, 2005

Ashton Kutcher

Gwen Stefani


Demi Moore

HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) tackles the subject of steroid use in Major League Baseball.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Mark McGwire, Zell Miller.

Ashton Kutcher’s MonologueSummary: Ashton Kutcher doesn’t understand what’s the big deal about him dating an older woman, so he pulls Demi Moore (in heavily-accented old lady make-up) up to the stage so they can speak glowingly of their strange relationship.

First Hosted: 02r.

Me-HarmonySummary: The proven online matchmaking service finds their clients’ exact opposite sex match.

Note: Repeat from 04l.

OprahSummary: Oprah (Maya Rudolph) pays more attention to actor John Travolta (Darrell Hammond) than to fire victim (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, John Travolta, Julia Roberts.


Push-UpsSummary: Two years later, a nerdy guy (Ashton Kutcher) still feels humiliated by an incident involving the water cooler at his office. Determined to save face, he’s devised a scheme where he can demonstrate his strength by performing 45 push-ups. He struggles to convince his co-workers (Chris Parnell, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, Horatio Sanz) that office push-up contests are the new fad in Denver, but they easily best him in the competition, making him feel more and more foolish.

FederlineSummary: Kevin Federline (Ashton Kutcher) has started his own underwear line behind his wife Britney Spears’ back.


Gays in SpaceSummary: Brought back for Episode 2, the gay space crew crash lands on a strange planet.

Recurring Characters: Space Creature, Billiam, Gavindy, Thad.

Gwen Stefani with Eve performs “Rich Girl”Eve First Performed: 00q.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Tina and Amy do a horrible fake interview with Robert Blake footage. Consumer advocate Henry Payne (Kenan Thompson) puts the pain on a store clerk (Ashton Kutcher). Chris Parnell’s Demi Moore rap evolves into a desire to have sex with Ashton Kutcher.


Southern Baptist ChurchSummary: A white minister (Ashton Kutcher) receives an unwelcomed reception at a black Baptist church.


Action 13 NewsSummary: Perky news anchor Busy Martinez (Amy Poehler) is gaga for her hunky new co-anchor, Darren Stark (Ashton Kutcher), which fuels resentment in jilted weatherman Barry Shirtsworth (Seth Meyers).


Gwen Stefani performs “Hollaback Girl”Bio: Gwen Stefani (1969-). Singer; former lead singer of No Doubt.

Also Performed: 06h.

Cameos: 00q.


NebulzitolSummary: Woman (Amy Poehler) uses product to keep her husband (Will Forte) focused on her instead of March Madness and other sports events.




Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Mysterious PhenomenaSummary: A would-be psychic’s (Fred Armisen) predictions for the future consistently turn out to be wrong.

Record DealSummary: Wanna-be musicians *Maya Rdolph, Kenan Thompson, Finnesse Mitchell) try to secure a record deal.

Pep RallySummary: A high school cheerleader (Amy Poehler) performs nasty cheers with the help of the school mascot (Ashton Kutcher).

Pulled OverSummary: After the driver (Ashton Kutcher) is pulled over, his passenger (Seth Meyers) tries to sweet talk the police out of giving them a ticket.

Bear CitySummary: A bear hails a taxi cab.

Restraining OrderSummary: In a short film by Scott Wainio, a man (Scott Wainio) receives a restraining order.

Dinner TableSummary: A couple (Ashton Kutcher, Amy Poehler) are separated at a dinner party when the man is firced to sit on the same side of the table as the invited nerds.

Bear CitySummary: A group of pairs chase the Easter Bunny.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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