SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 03/19/05: Southern Baptist Church


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 15





04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani

Southern Baptist Church

Rev. Willie….Finesse Mitchell
Deacon Brown….Kenan Thompson
Sister Ophelia….Maya Rudolph
Brian McKay….Ashton Kutcher

[Opens with an outside shot of a Baptist church. Cut to the inside of it. A choir is on high gear singing hymns to the congregation. They are wearing golden robes.]

Choir: [singing] I KNOW THE LORD IS REAL TO ME!….TO ME JESUS IS REAL!….I KNOW THE LORD IS REAL TO ME!

[Hymn ends. Applause. Rev. Willie walks to the podium. He wears a suit, has grey head of hair, grey mustache and beard. He pats with a handkerchief the corner of his mouth and forehead from time to time]

Rev. Willie: Yes, yes, yes. Can I get an Amen?!

All: AMEN!

Rev. Willie: Yes. Now we all know our pastor along with all the other pastors in the region are down in that southern baptist convention down in Orlando, Florida.

All: AMEN!

[Deacon Brown wears a suit, is almost bald with white hair. He sits next to Ophelia. She wears a southern dress with a matching hat]

Deacon Brown: Sounds like a free trip to Disney World. Guess there wasn’t no money in the budget to take nobody else, huh? I like roller coasters!

Rev. Willie: Ok, Deacon Brown. Ok, now. I’m sure we all could enjoy some sunny weather.

Sister Ophilia: Yes.

Rev. Willie: Some beautiful palm trees…

Sister Ophilia: Tell it, deacon.

Rev. Willie: Young folks having fun….

Sister Ophilia: Amen!

Deacon Brown: Yeah, open invites to fornication. He, he, he…

Sister Ophilia: Huh-uh!

Rev. Willie: Deacon Brown!

Deacon Brown: What?! That’s what they’ll be doing in Florida.[to the congregation] Am I right? Am I right? I’m wrong?

Rev. Willie: Now, but the pastor would not leave his flock without a shepard. He has left us in good hands today. Please welcome our special guest, Mr. Brian McKay.

[A shy white guy in a suit approaches the podium. Deacon Brown gets up and puts his hands up]

Deacon Brown: Oh, damn! The feds done found me! Well, I’m gonna tell you right now! I spent the money!

Rev. Willie: Deacon, put your hands down.

Deacon Brown: Hey, if I’m going down, you’re going down, Willie!

Rev. Willie: Charlie, please now. That happened 20 years ago. This man is the guest preacher.

Deacon Brown: Oh, what money? Oh, what am I talking about? I’m sick. [sits down]

Brian McKay: [into the mic] All right. Hello, everybody. Church. I’m Brian McKay. Umm…

Sister Ophilia: Brian who? He don’t look like no preacher.

Rev. Willie: Now, sister Ophelia, now let’s give Mr. McKay a chance. [covers mic] Brian, what church are you from?

Brian McKay: Well, I am, uh, a rector for the First Unitarian Church in Wellesly Massachusetts.

Rev. Willie: The what?

Deacon Brown: Will y’all stop chit-chatting and get to the preachin’! Man, the game coming on at 3:00 now.

Rev. Willie: Do it.[sits]

Brian McKay: [into the mic]All right, all right. Uh, you folks look lovely tonight. I would like to begin today’s services with a reading from Galatians 4:22.[reading a card]”For it is written that Abraham had 2 sons. One by a slave and one by a free woman….”

All: [offended] No, no, no….

[Rev. Willie gets up and covers the mic]

Rev. Willie: Ok, wait a minute now. Ok, now. That’s not gonna work in a black church.

Brian McKay: Are you sure? I thought I had them there.

Rev. Willie: No, no you didn’t. And I’m pretty sure you lost them when you said “slave”. I see now I’m gonna have to walk you through this.

Brian McKay: Uh, yeah. You’re probably right.

Rev. Willie: Ok, ok. All right. Say “I want to talk about the Lord”.

Brian McKay: [into the mic]”I want to talk about the Lord”.

Rev. Willie: Say it louder!

Brian McKay: Louder? “I want to talk about the Lord!”

Sister Ophilia: Well, talk about him then.

Rev. Willie: Say you love him.

Brian McKay: I love the Lord!

[Organ plays a sharp note]

Rev. Willie: Say it like you mean it!

Brian McKay: Well, that was something. I said “I love the LORD!”

[Organ plays another note]

Brian McKay: Wow, that was really nice.

Rev. Willie: Now, has the Lord been good to you?

Brian McKay: Well, I can’t complain. I have a beautiful apartment in Nantucket.

Rev. Willie: No, no, no. Don’t say that to me. Ask them that!

Brian McKay: Oh, right, right.[into the mic]Has the Lord been GOOD TO YOU!!

Deacon Brown: Yes, he has. Yes, he has.

Brian McKay: This is…[takes the mic into his hand]I’m starting to feel something. I really am here!

Rev. Willie: Now say, “The Lord is great!”

Brian McKay: THE LORD IS GREAT!

All: THAT’S RIGHT!

Rev. Willie: “I don’t think y’all heard me.”

Brian McKay: “I DON’T THINK Y’ALL HEARD ME!!!”

Rev. Willie: Now kid, act like you’re dancing on hot coals.

[Rev. Willie makes large steps. Brian does the same]

Brian McKay: I said “THE LORD IS GR-R-R-R-REAT!

Sister Ophilia: Like Tony the Tiger!

[Music plays and the choir comes alive]

Rev. Willie: You’re working it now.

Brian McKay: Well…

Rev. Willie: Yeah, like that.[gives Brian the handkerchief, Brian pat his forehead] Now, you’re wanna jump up and down and you wanna say “Hallelujah”.

Brian McKay: Like this? [jumps up and down]

Rev. Willie: Yeah!

Brian McKay: HALLELUJAH!!!

[The congregation gets up and cheers, they also clap to the rhythm of the music]

Brian McKay: Look, they’re all standing!

Rev. Willie: Now, this would be a good time to take a collection.

Brian McKay: THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO TAKE A COLLECTION!!!

[Crowd sits, music stops]

Rev. Willie: Never mind.

Brian McKay: NEVER MIND!

All: Yes!

[Crowd gets up, music resumes]

Brian McKay: I don’t know about you but I feel go-o-o-o-od!!

Rev. Willie: All right, you’re on your own now.[sits] [Brian is really getting into it, moving about with confidence]

Brian McKay: I said, I said, are we feeling good church?! I, I, I feel good, sister!!

Sister Ophilia: Oh, preach! Light skin, preach!

Brian McKay: Uh, I will! I feel good, Deacon![Deacon makes fists and grunts in approval. Brian turns to the choir] I feel go-o-o-o-ood, choir!![Congregation cheers] I’m feelin’ it!, I’m feelin’ it!, I’m feelin’ it! This church ain’t big enough for me![Brian does a split on the floor, gets up] I GOTTA PREACH TO THE WHOLE WORLD!!![Brian runs like a maniac and jumps through a stained glass window. Silence]

Sister Ophilia: The spirit ain’t never made me jump through no window.

Deacon Brown: Man, you know, I seen that same thing in the movie The Exorcist.

Rev. Willie: [shocked]Well, uh, I don’t know. Dear Lord, let’s pray for that boy. I don’t—spirit….oh.

[Brian walks back into the church out of breath]

Sister Ophilia: He’s back.[faints]

Brian McKay: Now, is it time to take the collection?

Deacon Brown: [gets up, puts hand in pocket]Hells, yeah! That boy is good! Now, pull your money out!

Rev. Willie: Yeah, give it up cause we’re gonna need to fix that stained glass window. Take us home, choir!

Choir: [sing] JESUS IS REAL! I KNOW THE LORD IS REAL TO ME…..

[Choir keeps singing. Rev. Willie passes the collection basket and Brian keeps dancing with the Holy Spirit in him] [Cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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