SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 03/19/05: Nebulzitol


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 15

04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani


Larry…..Will Forte
Woman…..Amy Poehler
V/O…..Chris Parnell

[Larry walks in with flowers, woman sitting on couch]

Larry: Hi sweetheart.

Woman: Hi honey. Tough day at work?

Larry: Oh, it was fine. Look what I got for you. Flowers!

[Larry gives flowers to woman]

Woman: Oh, that’s so sweet! Oh thank you, I love them.

Larry: Oh, it’s nothing you know. I’ve been thinking about you all day. Well, I better take these and go get some flow.. go get some water for ’em.

[Larry takes flowers and walks out of scene]

Woman: Ok.

[Piano music as woman turns to camera]

Woman: When Larry was first diagnosed with March Madness, we were unprepared. He started babbling about 63 games, and DirecTV, and brackets and Digger Phelps. I was afraid. And then a friend told me about Nebulzitol. A new FDA approved drug specifically designed to fight March Madness. [woman turns to face different camera] Tests show that during the NCAA tournament, an unhealthy balance of single sport dependence develops commonly known as Basketball Jones. Nebulzitol goes right to the sports and recreation center of the brain. [shot of a glimpse inside brain with an old basketball clip showinginside the head and red arrows pointing at it] Its powerful medicinede-activates the unbalance, [glimpse in brain changes to show The View in place of basketball] replacing it with more healthier, productive impulses. [back to woman talking into camera] And it comes in the form of a bag of chips, so he’ll never know he’s taking it.

[Larry walks back into scene]

Larry: Hey, you. I rented some movies for tonight.

Woman: Hey… What about college basketball?

[Larry sits next to woman on couch]

Larry: Right, when I can cuddle with you?

Woman: Dick Vitale?

Larry: Oh, bor-ring. You know, I’d rather we just get cozy and watch a few movies, you know. I got, uh, The Notebook and Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

Woman: Aww.

[woman hugs Larry, then turns to camera]

Woman: Get the husband you want with Nebulzitol.

Larry: Foot massage?

[Woman winks at camera] [shot of bag of chips reading Nebulzitol]

V/O: For March Madness, Nebulzitol.

Submitted by: Scott L.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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