SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 03/19/05: Action 13 News


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 15

04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani

Action 13 News

Busy Martinez…..Amy Poehler
Darren Stark…..Ashton Kutcher
Barry Shirtsworth…..Seth Meyers
Herc Mandelbrak…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on to Action 13 News graphic ]

Announcer: We now return to.. Action 13 News.

[ dissolve to close-up of anchorwoman Busy Martinez in the studio ]

Busy Martinez: Welcome back to Channel 13 News – I’m Busy Martinez.

[ cut to close-up of anchorman Darren Stark ]

Darren Stark: And I’m Darren Stark.

[ cut to full shot of both anchors at the news desk ]

Busy Martinez: For those of you just tuning in, Darren is a new edition to the Channel 13 news team. And, may I say, you’re doing incredibly well.

Darren Stark: Well, thank you, Busy. It’s easy to look good in the company of such a.. talented, young gal, such as yourself.

Busy Martinez: [ laughs blushingly for quite a few moments ] Oh, stop it, Darren! I’m blushing! [ composes herself ] What do you think of our new team member, Herc?

[ cut to Herc Mandelbrak standing at the Sports Corner ]

Herc Mandelbrak: I think he’s a home run!/ [ mimes a home run hit ] And don’t forget to stick around for this month’s edition of “Herc Mandelbrak’s Sports Bloopers!”

Busy Martinez: [ condescendingly ] Can’t wait.

Darren Stark: Well.. last night’s storm caught us completely off guard, now, didn’t it?

Busy Martinez: [ excessively perky ] That’s for sure! It took me an hour to shovel my car out of the snow! [ laughs ]

Darren Stark: Well, next time, just give me a call, and I’ll come over and.. give you a hand!

Busy Martinez: [ laughs ] Oh, my! I like the new guy! So.. Barry, what gives? You told us mild and sunny – boy, were you off! [ laughs ] [ cut to weatherman Barry Shirtsworth standing at the map ]

Barry Shirtsworth: Yeah! Sorry about that.

Darren Stark: I hope we do better tonight, Barry. [ chuckles goofily ]

Barry Shirtsworth: Me, too.. New Guy.

Busy Martinez: So, what’s the forecast, Barry? Let me guess – 85 and sunny? [ laughs condescendingly ]

Darren Stark: [ laughs with her ] Good one, Busy! Good one!

Barry Shirtsworth: Oh, I’m sorry. Do you guys want the forecast, or do you want to keep flirting?

[ Darren and Busy freeze, stunned by Barry’s outburst ]

Busy Martinez: Relax, Barry. Just give us the forecast.

Barry Shirtsworth: Yeah, you know what? I changed my mind!

Darren Stark: [ stunned ] I.. uh.. what’s that, Barry?

Barry Shirtsworth: I’m gonna pass on the forecast tonight!

Busy Martinez: [ chuckles uncomfortably ] I-I don’t understand, Barry..

Barry Shirtsworth: Here’s the plan – everyone at home can open their windows, stick their head out, and make their best guesses. ‘Cause I, human punching bag Barry Shirtsworth, am taking the day off!

Darren Stark: Uh.. is there.. is there any reason for that, Barry?

Barry Shirtsworth: Oh, yeah, there is! And I will happily tell you that reason. The reason is: I’m not God! That’s the reason! Here’s how I know I’m not God – God doesn’t have to come to work and listen to 200 messages from a bunch of weirdos every time he’s off on the weather! Back to you, Bozos!

Darren Stark: That is a, uh.. pretty inappropriate choice of words, Barry.

Barry Shirtsworth: Wow. The guy’s been here a whole week, and now he’s the one who knows what’s appropriate!

[ Busy sighs ]

Darren Stark: I know what’s professional, Barry.

Barry Shirtsworth: Well, New Guy, try being the only one on the news team that has to predict the future! Wanna tell me if there’s gonna be any murders tomorrow night? Any chemical spills coming up in the next week? You guys are jerks!

Busy Martinez: Well, let me make a prediction, Barry – this is probably your last night at Channel 13 News.

Barry Shirtsworth: This just in – I’ve been drinking. [ holds up a bottle ] In other news – you’re the Devil!

Busy Martinez: You know what, Barry? I’m really sorry that our “date” six years ago didn’t go the way you planned. But I am a news anchor. Okay? and if you thought I was gonna get with the weatherman, you should have picked a little classier locale than the Applebee’s!

Herc Mandelbrak: Uh.. [ clears throat ] Guys, you really need to cool your negative energy. I have to do my bloopers after this.

Barry Shirtsworth: How about Johnny Haircut and the Ice queen get a room? How about that!

Darren Stark: [ frustrated ] Look.. there’s nothing going on between us.

Busy Martinez: There isn’t?

Darren Stark: Not that I’m aware of.

Busy Martinez: [ gasps in amazement ] Watch your signals, friend.

Herc Mandelbrak: Seriously, guys – you know, you need a certain atmosphere to make these bloopers sizzle!

Busy Martinez: I think it’s alright, Herc – they’ll sizzle.

Barry Shirtsworth: Hey, uh.. good news, guys. I managed to pull a forecast together. [ Barry’s map changes to a cartoon drawing of Darren and Busy making out, with a fart bubble at Busy’s backside ] Uh.. okay. Looks like it’s you guys making out.. and.. it looks like you’re farting, Busy! That’s my forecast!

Darren Stark: [ sighs ] That is no way to treat a lady..

Busy Martinez: [ annoyed ] You know what, Darren – I don’t need you to be my hero.

Darren Stark: [ defensive ] Hey, look, I’m just trying to straighten —

Busy Martinez: [ angry ] Oh, what were you trying to do! I’d love to hear what you were trying to do! Look, I need a man who will be there for Busy Martinez!

Barry Shirtsworth: [ enjoying the trouble he’s caused ] Trouble in Paradise!

Darren Stark: Barry! If I have to come over there, you will not be happy!

Barry Shirtsworth: [ smarmy ] Bring it on, Captain America!

[ Darren scowls, then jumps to his feet and runs toward Barry ] [ Barry screams like a girl, and runs off-camera as Darren reaches the map ]

Darren Stark: Get back here and fight like a man!

[ Darren runs off-screen to chase after Barry ]

Busy Martinez: Um.. uh.. in.. in other news.. [clears throat nervously ] A Lafayette man was charged with —

[ Barry runs into Busy’s frame and yells at the camera ]

Barry Shirtsworth: Busy Martinez is a bag of snakes! [ shrieks and runs away as Darren continues to chase after him ]

Busy Martinez: [ frustrated ] Well, this is just great! God!

[ Barry and Darren’s chase leads them past Herc Mandelbrak ]

Herc Mandelbrak: Can I do my bloopers?!

Busy Martinez: [ now further annoyed ] Yeah, sure, Herc! Do your bloopers!

Herc Mandelbrak: Well, it’s.. that time once again, for Herc Mandelbrak’s Sports Bloopers!

[ show blooper reel of a monkey in an ice hockey game ]

Herc Mandelbrak V/O: Well, the NHL may be on strike, but that doesn’t stop this hockey team from monkeying around —

Barry Shirtsworth V/O: Hey, you let go of me!

Darren Stark V/O: You bit me!

[ cut back to reveal Barry and Darren grabbing one another, with Herc caught in the middle ]

Herc Mandelbrak: Come on, guys! I’m trying to do my bloopers! Get off me!

[ Barry runs loose, as Darren continues to chase after him ]

Herc Mandelbrak: Bloopers!! Well, the bloopers are ruined! I know nobody cares about ol’ Herc – but he really looks forward to the bloopers! So, thanks a lot, guys! Back to you, Busy.

Busy Martinez: [ bemused ] Great, Herc. You’re a real pro.

[ Barry stops his running in front of Busy ]

Barry Shirtsworth: [ off-screen ] You’ll never catch me! [ solemnly, to Busy ] I could have been everything to you —

[ suddenly, Darren rushes Barry and knocks him to the ground ]

Barry Shirtsworth: You were so much closer than you looked!

Darren Stark: I got a forecast for you! [ raises his leg and lowers the hurt into Barry ] It’s an ass-whipping! [ continues his manic kicking ] With a 100% chance of getting your teeth knocked out! [ jumps on top of Barry ]

Busy Martinez: Okay, that about does it for us! That’s Darren Stark, I’m Busy Martinez! Thank you for tuning in!

[ Darren jumps up and deepens his voice for a serious close ]

Darren Stark: That’s the news.

Busy Martinez: Don’t be so proud of yourself, Barry!

Barry Shirtsworth: I love you!

Busy Martinez: You are pathetic! Both of you!

Barry Shirtsworth: I love you!!

[ dissolve to Action News 13 logo, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x