SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 03/19/05: Oprah


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 15




04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani

Oprah

Oprah….Maya Rudolph
Rhonda Rogan….Rachel Dratch
John Travolta….Darrell Hammond
Julia Roberts….Ashton Kutcher
Overexcited fan….Amy Poehler

[Opens with Oprah’s logo. Women cheer wildly. Cut to Oprah’s TV studio set program. She is sitting in her chair and a plain looking woman sits next to her.]

Oprah: All right, all right. Sit down, thank you.[Cheering continues] OK, sit down, thank you. All right, OK.[ Standing women cheer and clap. One blond overexcited fan is right up front] All right, sit your asses down.[The women calm themselves a bit] Today on the Oprah show we’re continuing our ten-week series on human tragedy.

All: Awwww.[The women sit down]

Oprah: Yeah, fires. Everything you own, gone in an instant. Today, we are speaking with the survivor of a devastating fire. Please welcome, Rhonda Rogan.

All: Awww.

Oprah: Rhonda, you are a true survivor. You suffered a great loss when your home burned down last winter.

[Oprah puts her fist on her chin, elbow suspended on mid-air looking into Rhonda’s eyes]

Rhonda: Yes, well, Oprah umm, 2 days after Christmas I lost my home and all my belongings in a fire.

All: Awwww.

Overexcited Fan: Oh, that’s so sad. That’s sad.

Rhonda: I was fixing my hair for a job interview and I really needed that job.

All: Awwww.

Overexcited Fan: She needed that job!

Rhonda: And I dropped my curling iron and it ignited a beanbag chair.

Overexcited Fan: Oh, oh! Oh, Oprah! Oh, Oprah!

Rhonda: [emotional] I don’t know what I’m gonna do because I lost everything.

[Oprah puts a hand on Rhonda’s thigh]

Oprah: Well, we have a very special surprise for you Rhonda Rogan.

Rhonda: Oh, my God.

Oprah: Yeah, John Travolta!! Whoo!!

[Misirlou from Pulp Fiction plays. John comes out dancing, high five’s Oprah, hugs her. Women cheer madly]

John Travolta: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can we talk about this one?[points at Oprah] Will you look at her? Oh baby, you turned 50 but you’re sexier than ever.

Oprah: Oh, come here, you.[Oprah jumps up on John and dry humps him. Rhonda is confused and uncomfortable] I love you, I love you.[John puts her down]

John Travolta: God, I love you.

[Women scream like crazy]

Overexcited Fan: Oh my God! Oprah and John Travolta really love each other!! Ah!!

[Oprah and John sit. Confused Rhonda is in the middle]

John Travolta: Well, well darling. I was thinking about you. I was really thinking about you a lot. And you are my best friend Frey-Frey.

Overexcited Fan: Oh, whooo!!!

Oprah: You.[points]You are my best friend Travovo.[John and Oprah hold hands right across Rhonda’s face]

John Travolta: Oh, my God. I love you.

Overexcited Fan: Good God!!

All: Awwww.

Oprah: [turns to Rhonda] Rhonda, tell John Travolta your story.

Rhonda: Well, um, last Christmas my house burned down.

John Travolta: Oh, my God. You are so brave.

Rhonda: Yeah, and um, all my belongings, all my memories were lost.

John Travolta: [ emotional] I know exactly how it feels to be in a fire. Because I was in “Ladder 49” which is about fires.[cries]

Oprah: Yeah, I know. Come here, baby. Come here. Come on momma’s lap.

[John sits on Oprah’s lap and cries]

Oprah: Aww, its ok, its ok baby Travovo. All right, you just go ahead and cry it on out. Rhonda, go ahead he’s gonna be OK.

Rhonda: [confused] Oh, um well, we lost our entire house, Oprah. I mean everything. We’re living in a shelter right now.

Oprah: OK, well, we have another surprise for you Rhonda Rogan. It’s my best friend Julia Roberts!! And her twin babies!!

[Roy Orbison’s Pretty Woman plays. Women scream like banshees. Julia holds her twins and has an wide-open mouth of a smile on her face. She also holds a bag for her baby stuff.]

Overexcited Fan: OH MY GOD! THE TWINS!!!, THE TWINS!!!

[Julia kisses Oprah]

Julia Roberts: Girl!

Oprah: Girlfriend.

Julia Roberts: Girl!

Oprah: My girl.

Julia Roberts: Girl!

John Travolta: Girlfriend.

[John almost sits on Oprah’s chair]

Oprah: Oh, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. Over there, baby. That’s Oprah’s chair.

[John and Julia sit on the couch almost pushing Rhonda out of it and completely ignore her]

Julia Roberts: Listen Op. I just had to come by and thank you for the baby gifts. I mean, would you look at these? [tiny pink blackberry] Baby’s first blackberry.

Oprah: Are those not the cutest things you have ever seen in your life?! Now, how much do we love Julia Roberts?!

[Women go insane cheering]

John Travolta: Wait—and can we talk about your figure? Look at you, girl. You’re on fire like Rhonda’s house.

Rhonda: [offended] That’s not cool.

Julia Roberts: One word: Cardio-yoga-lates.

Oprah: Is it not the best? I mean…

[Rhonda is left holding the Julia’s twins]

Rhonda: Is my segment over? Or do I get up….

Julia Roberts: Yes. Who wants to hear a little secret about my girl “O” here?

Overexcited Fan: OH MY GOD!, OH MY GOD! TELL US A SECRET ABOUT OPRAH!! TELL US!![faints]

Julia Roberts: “O” is afraid of the tickle monster! Tickle fight!

[Julia tickles Oprah]

Oprah: Oh, no. Oh God, oh God, oh no.

[While Oprah is being tickled by Julia, John gets up and joins in the tickling. Rhonda is ignored, she is almost trampled on]

John Travolta: Don’t tickle me or I’ll pee in my pants!

Oprah: Oh, then I’m gonna get you!

[Oprah goes to John and tickles him]

John Travolta: I swear, I swear.

Rhonda: Am I, am I…am I gonna get a new house or what?

Oprah: No. But everyone is getting baby’s first blackberries and….a COPY OF LADDDER 49 ON DVD!!! We’ll be right back!

[The tickling continues on stage. Women cheer loud. Overexcited fan breathes into a paper bag but faints again] [Oprah’s logo] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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