Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 15
04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani
Oprah
Oprah….Maya Rudolph
Rhonda Rogan….Rachel Dratch
John Travolta….Darrell Hammond
Julia Roberts….Ashton Kutcher
Overexcited fan….Amy Poehler
[Opens with Oprah’s logo. Women cheer wildly. Cut to Oprah’s TV studio set program. She is sitting in her chair and a plain looking woman sits next to her.]
Oprah: All right, all right. Sit down, thank you.[Cheering continues] OK, sit down, thank you. All right, OK.[ Standing women cheer and clap. One blond overexcited fan is right up front] All right, sit your asses down.[The women calm themselves a bit] Today on the Oprah show we’re continuing our ten-week series on human tragedy.
All: Awwww.[The women sit down]
Oprah: Yeah, fires. Everything you own, gone in an instant. Today, we are speaking with the survivor of a devastating fire. Please welcome, Rhonda Rogan.
All: Awww.
Oprah: Rhonda, you are a true survivor. You suffered a great loss when your home burned down last winter.
[Oprah puts her fist on her chin, elbow suspended on mid-air looking into Rhonda’s eyes]
Rhonda: Yes, well, Oprah umm, 2 days after Christmas I lost my home and all my belongings in a fire.
All: Awwww.
Overexcited Fan: Oh, that’s so sad. That’s sad.
Rhonda: I was fixing my hair for a job interview and I really needed that job.
All: Awwww.
Overexcited Fan: She needed that job!
Rhonda: And I dropped my curling iron and it ignited a beanbag chair.
Overexcited Fan: Oh, oh! Oh, Oprah! Oh, Oprah!
Rhonda: [emotional] I don’t know what I’m gonna do because I lost everything.
[Oprah puts a hand on Rhonda’s thigh]
Oprah: Well, we have a very special surprise for you Rhonda Rogan.
Rhonda: Oh, my God.
Oprah: Yeah, John Travolta!! Whoo!!
[Misirlou from Pulp Fiction plays. John comes out dancing, high five’s Oprah, hugs her. Women cheer madly]
John Travolta: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can we talk about this one?[points at Oprah] Will you look at her? Oh baby, you turned 50 but you’re sexier than ever.
Oprah: Oh, come here, you.[Oprah jumps up on John and dry humps him. Rhonda is confused and uncomfortable] I love you, I love you.[John puts her down]
John Travolta: God, I love you.
[Women scream like crazy]
Overexcited Fan: Oh my God! Oprah and John Travolta really love each other!! Ah!!
[Oprah and John sit. Confused Rhonda is in the middle]
John Travolta: Well, well darling. I was thinking about you. I was really thinking about you a lot. And you are my best friend Frey-Frey.
Overexcited Fan: Oh, whooo!!!
Oprah: You.[points]You are my best friend Travovo.[John and Oprah hold hands right across Rhonda’s face]
John Travolta: Oh, my God. I love you.
Overexcited Fan: Good God!!
All: Awwww.
Oprah: [turns to Rhonda] Rhonda, tell John Travolta your story.
Rhonda: Well, um, last Christmas my house burned down.
John Travolta: Oh, my God. You are so brave.
Rhonda: Yeah, and um, all my belongings, all my memories were lost.
John Travolta: [ emotional] I know exactly how it feels to be in a fire. Because I was in “Ladder 49” which is about fires.[cries]
Oprah: Yeah, I know. Come here, baby. Come here. Come on momma’s lap.
[John sits on Oprah’s lap and cries]
Oprah: Aww, its ok, its ok baby Travovo. All right, you just go ahead and cry it on out. Rhonda, go ahead he’s gonna be OK.
Rhonda: [confused] Oh, um well, we lost our entire house, Oprah. I mean everything. We’re living in a shelter right now.
Oprah: OK, well, we have another surprise for you Rhonda Rogan. It’s my best friend Julia Roberts!! And her twin babies!!
[Roy Orbison’s Pretty Woman plays. Women scream like banshees. Julia holds her twins and has an wide-open mouth of a smile on her face. She also holds a bag for her baby stuff.]
Overexcited Fan: OH MY GOD! THE TWINS!!!, THE TWINS!!!
[Julia kisses Oprah]
Julia Roberts: Girl!
Oprah: Girlfriend.
Julia Roberts: Girl!
Oprah: My girl.
Julia Roberts: Girl!
John Travolta: Girlfriend.
[John almost sits on Oprah’s chair]
Oprah: Oh, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. Over there, baby. That’s Oprah’s chair.
[John and Julia sit on the couch almost pushing Rhonda out of it and completely ignore her]
Julia Roberts: Listen Op. I just had to come by and thank you for the baby gifts. I mean, would you look at these? [tiny pink blackberry] Baby’s first blackberry.
Oprah: Are those not the cutest things you have ever seen in your life?! Now, how much do we love Julia Roberts?!
[Women go insane cheering]
John Travolta: Wait—and can we talk about your figure? Look at you, girl. You’re on fire like Rhonda’s house.
Rhonda: [offended] That’s not cool.
Julia Roberts: One word: Cardio-yoga-lates.
Oprah: Is it not the best? I mean…
[Rhonda is left holding the Julia’s twins]
Rhonda: Is my segment over? Or do I get up….
Julia Roberts: Yes. Who wants to hear a little secret about my girl “O” here?
Overexcited Fan: OH MY GOD!, OH MY GOD! TELL US A SECRET ABOUT OPRAH!! TELL US!![faints]
Julia Roberts: “O” is afraid of the tickle monster! Tickle fight!
[Julia tickles Oprah]
Oprah: Oh, no. Oh God, oh God, oh no.
[While Oprah is being tickled by Julia, John gets up and joins in the tickling. Rhonda is ignored, she is almost trampled on]
John Travolta: Don’t tickle me or I’ll pee in my pants!
Oprah: Oh, then I’m gonna get you!
[Oprah goes to John and tickles him]
John Travolta: I swear, I swear.
Rhonda: Am I, am I…am I gonna get a new house or what?
Oprah: No. But everyone is getting baby’s first blackberries and….a COPY OF LADDDER 49 ON DVD!!! We’ll be right back!
[The tickling continues on stage. Women cheer loud. Overexcited fan breathes into a paper bag but faints again]
[Oprah’s logo]
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
