SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 03/19/05: Oprah

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 15

04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani


Oprah….Maya Rudolph
Rhonda Rogan….Rachel Dratch
John Travolta….Darrell Hammond
Julia Roberts….Ashton Kutcher
Overexcited fan….Amy Poehler

[Opens with Oprah’s logo. Women cheer wildly. Cut to Oprah’s TV studio set program. She is sitting in her chair and a plain looking woman sits next to her.]

Oprah: All right, all right. Sit down, thank you.[Cheering continues] OK, sit down, thank you. All right, OK.[ Standing women cheer and clap. One blond overexcited fan is right up front] All right, sit your asses down.[The women calm themselves a bit] Today on the Oprah show we’re continuing our ten-week series on human tragedy.

All: Awwww.[The women sit down]

Oprah: Yeah, fires. Everything you own, gone in an instant. Today, we are speaking with the survivor of a devastating fire. Please welcome, Rhonda Rogan.

All: Awww.

Oprah: Rhonda, you are a true survivor. You suffered a great loss when your home burned down last winter.

[Oprah puts her fist on her chin, elbow suspended on mid-air looking into Rhonda’s eyes]

Rhonda: Yes, well, Oprah umm, 2 days after Christmas I lost my home and all my belongings in a fire.

All: Awwww.

Overexcited Fan: Oh, that’s so sad. That’s sad.

Rhonda: I was fixing my hair for a job interview and I really needed that job.

All: Awwww.

Overexcited Fan: She needed that job!

Rhonda: And I dropped my curling iron and it ignited a beanbag chair.

Overexcited Fan: Oh, oh! Oh, Oprah! Oh, Oprah!

Rhonda: [emotional] I don’t know what I’m gonna do because I lost everything.

[Oprah puts a hand on Rhonda’s thigh]

Oprah: Well, we have a very special surprise for you Rhonda Rogan.

Rhonda: Oh, my God.

Oprah: Yeah, John Travolta!! Whoo!!

[Misirlou from Pulp Fiction plays. John comes out dancing, high five’s Oprah, hugs her. Women cheer madly]

John Travolta: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can we talk about this one?[points at Oprah] Will you look at her? Oh baby, you turned 50 but you’re sexier than ever.

Oprah: Oh, come here, you.[Oprah jumps up on John and dry humps him. Rhonda is confused and uncomfortable] I love you, I love you.[John puts her down]

John Travolta: God, I love you.

[Women scream like crazy]

Overexcited Fan: Oh my God! Oprah and John Travolta really love each other!! Ah!!

[Oprah and John sit. Confused Rhonda is in the middle]

John Travolta: Well, well darling. I was thinking about you. I was really thinking about you a lot. And you are my best friend Frey-Frey.

Overexcited Fan: Oh, whooo!!!

Oprah: You.[points]You are my best friend Travovo.[John and Oprah hold hands right across Rhonda’s face]

John Travolta: Oh, my God. I love you.

Overexcited Fan: Good God!!

All: Awwww.

Oprah: [turns to Rhonda] Rhonda, tell John Travolta your story.

Rhonda: Well, um, last Christmas my house burned down.

John Travolta: Oh, my God. You are so brave.

Rhonda: Yeah, and um, all my belongings, all my memories were lost.

John Travolta: [ emotional] I know exactly how it feels to be in a fire. Because I was in “Ladder 49” which is about fires.[cries]

Oprah: Yeah, I know. Come here, baby. Come here. Come on momma’s lap.

[John sits on Oprah’s lap and cries]

Oprah: Aww, its ok, its ok baby Travovo. All right, you just go ahead and cry it on out. Rhonda, go ahead he’s gonna be OK.

Rhonda: [confused] Oh, um well, we lost our entire house, Oprah. I mean everything. We’re living in a shelter right now.

Oprah: OK, well, we have another surprise for you Rhonda Rogan. It’s my best friend Julia Roberts!! And her twin babies!!

[Roy Orbison’s Pretty Woman plays. Women scream like banshees. Julia holds her twins and has an wide-open mouth of a smile on her face. She also holds a bag for her baby stuff.]

Overexcited Fan: OH MY GOD! THE TWINS!!!, THE TWINS!!!

[Julia kisses Oprah]

Julia Roberts: Girl!

Oprah: Girlfriend.

Julia Roberts: Girl!

Oprah: My girl.

Julia Roberts: Girl!

John Travolta: Girlfriend.

[John almost sits on Oprah’s chair]

Oprah: Oh, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. Over there, baby. That’s Oprah’s chair.

[John and Julia sit on the couch almost pushing Rhonda out of it and completely ignore her]

Julia Roberts: Listen Op. I just had to come by and thank you for the baby gifts. I mean, would you look at these? [tiny pink blackberry] Baby’s first blackberry.

Oprah: Are those not the cutest things you have ever seen in your life?! Now, how much do we love Julia Roberts?!

[Women go insane cheering]

John Travolta: Wait—and can we talk about your figure? Look at you, girl. You’re on fire like Rhonda’s house.

Rhonda: [offended] That’s not cool.

Julia Roberts: One word: Cardio-yoga-lates.

Oprah: Is it not the best? I mean…

[Rhonda is left holding the Julia’s twins]

Rhonda: Is my segment over? Or do I get up….

Julia Roberts: Yes. Who wants to hear a little secret about my girl “O” here?


Julia Roberts: “O” is afraid of the tickle monster! Tickle fight!

[Julia tickles Oprah]

Oprah: Oh, no. Oh God, oh God, oh no.

[While Oprah is being tickled by Julia, John gets up and joins in the tickling. Rhonda is ignored, she is almost trampled on]

John Travolta: Don’t tickle me or I’ll pee in my pants!

Oprah: Oh, then I’m gonna get you!

[Oprah goes to John and tickles him]

John Travolta: I swear, I swear.

Rhonda: Am I, am I…am I gonna get a new house or what?

Oprah: No. But everyone is getting baby’s first blackberries and….a COPY OF LADDDER 49 ON DVD!!! We’ll be right back!

[The tickling continues on stage. Women cheer loud. Overexcited fan breathes into a paper bag but faints again] [Oprah’s logo] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Notify of