SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 03/19/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 15

04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Henry Payne…..Kenan Thompson
Manager…..Ashton Kutcher
…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Amy Poehler: Hello I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey and here are tonight’s top stories. In celebrity sports news, OJ Simpson got a new golfing buddy this week. (Shows a split screen picture of OJ and Robert Blake)

After his acquittal, a relieved Robert Blake made a brief statement and happily took questions from the press.

(Cuts to a video interview of Robert Blake)

Reporter: Who do you honestly believe killed your wife?

Robert Blake: (Long Pause) Shut up!

(Back to the Studio)

Tina Fey: Fair enough…

Amy Poehler: He’s free but he’s still mad.

(Continues to cut back and forth between Tina and Amy and the taped interview answers of Robert Blake)

Robert Blake: I’m broke… I need a job!

Tina and Amy: How broke are you?

Robert Blake: Right now I couldn’t buy sprats for a hummingbird.

Tina and Amy: What does that mean?

Robert Blake: Shut up!

Tina and Amy: Hey Robert Blake, now that you’ve been acquitted, what are you gonna do?

Robert Blake: You get in a motor home or a van or something like that, and you just let the air blow in your hair, and you wind up in some little bar in Arizona someplace and you shoot one-handed 9-Ball with some 90-year-old Portuguese woman who beats the hell out of ya.

Amy Poehler: March Madness everybody, can you feel it?

The Congressional Comity on Steroid Abuse this Thursday heard the testimony of six major league players including: See No Evil (Shows picture of a baseball player), Hear No Evil (Shows a picture of Mark McGuire), and Speak No English (Shows picture of a baseball player).

Italy announced Tuesday that it would begin pulling its 3,000 troops out of Iraq later this year. I’m guessing they’re going to do it by having their mothers yell out the window: (in an Italian accent) “Anthony, dinners ready!”

Tina Fey: If you’ve ever been scammed, cheated, or ripped off, you’re going to love this new Weekend Update segment called ‘Help Me Henry’. Please welcome Weekend Update Consumer Advocate, Henry Payne.

Henry Payne: Hello. Hello Tina Fey, Amy Fey. I recently received a disturbing letter from a Ms. Beverly Walter who purchased a defective flat screen TV from K&M Electronics on Delancy Street. FOLKS, these Mom and Pop Stores aren’t what they used to be. Not to be stereotypical, but mom and pop have turned into Faruk and Wang-Ho. See a lot of this merchandise is either defective or damaged. Now, I went down to K&M Electronics to help Ms. Walter out. Let’s take a look at what happened.

(Cut to video at the store. Henry is about to approach the manager. He has a baseball bat with him as well)

Henry Payne: Now this guy’s been giving Beverly Walter a hard time. (Taps manager on back with baseball bat) SIR, you have been selling defective TV’s!

Manager: (In a Hispanic Accent) You are not to touch me with basketball bat! No! Who are you?

Henry Payne: I’m Henry Payne, Consumer Advocate.

(Manager heads towards Henry to make him leave)

Manager: (BEEP) (BEEP) you! You go! Out of my store now! This way!

Henry Payne: WHAT! Whach you say!! We gonna get him on this, get the camera down!

(Henry goes on to violent beat the store manager many times until static interrupts the beating. When it resumes, the manager is duct taped to a chair and basly hurt and Henry crouching next to him.)

Henry Payne: Okay, uh, that was kinda tough, but as you can see Henry Payne is not to be played with.

Manager: In my country, I am dentist.

Henry Payne: SHUT UP! (Smacks him hard on the face) I’m Henry Payne saying, Don’t make me come after you!

(Cut back to the studio)

Tina Fey: Wow! Henry, did you have to do that? Couldn’t you have just called the Better Business Bureau or something?

Henry Payne: Uh, Tina, who needs the Better Business Bureau when you’ve got the Better Bat Bureau… (Pulls out his baseball bat from under the desk) You know what I’m saying, you get what I’m saying?

Tina Fey: Yeah, okay… so did you get that lady a refund?

Henry Payne: Hell yeah, I got her a whole lot of other stuff too. (Proceeds to pull stuff out and put it on top of the desk) Here’s a surge protector, and I got her a nice police scanner right here, and some blank videocassettes.

Amy Poehler Oh! Yeah! I’ll take those! (Grabs the videocassettes)

Tina Fey: Yeah, okay, we’ll take that stuff but that’s enough! Henry Payne everybody.

Amy Poehler: In an interview with 60 Minutes, George Lucas described the upcoming Star Wars movie as Titanic in Space, and a Tear Jerker, and Not so Good!

Tina Fey: Ashley Smith, the amazing Georgia woman taken hostage by courthouse shooter Brian Nichols said that Nichols agreed to turn himself in after she read him passages from The Purpose Driven Life: A Blueprint for Christian Living. Thankfully he didn’t break into my house where he would have been read passages from The South Beach Diet and Penthouse Forum. That was a close one!

Donald Trump has approached the Miss America Organization about buying the famous pageant or at least a few of the contestants.

Amy Poehler: A bowling ball manufacturer has increased sales by putting cherry, peach, and other popular scents into its bowling balls. Though for purists, they still do offer the traditional bowling scent… Fat Guy hands.

Los Angeles prosecutors are contemplating whether to bring criminal charges against Paula Abdul for her alleged role in a hit and run incident last December. As it stands, the judge informed Abdul that: (Amy starts into her Paula Abdul impression) “I think you look great… and you started out driving really well… but then when you swiped the car, it was a little, not your best. But still, I like you, and I like your style. Nice job.”

Tina Fey: According to a new study, Mormons teenagers fare better than regular teenagers when it comes to staying out of trouble and doing well in school. Although you would too if you had eight moms yelling at you.

Amy Poehler: According to a new survey, 67 percent of teenagers are content or extremely happy most of the time. They’re called stoners!

Tina Fey: A New York man is selling mp3 players that come preloaded with a complete audio recording of the Talmud, the 2,000-page book of Jewish law. They are available in two sizes, the Oy Pod and the Bnai Pod mini.

Edeka, a German supermarket chain will soon allow customers to pay by placing their finger on a scanner at the check out. An electric shock will then violently shake the appropriate amount of money free.

Amy Poehler: And now, here with a very special report is our own Chris Parnell.

Chris Parnell: Hello. Thanks Amy. Well, when I heard that Ashton Kutcher was going to be hosting the show this week, I was pretty excited. He’s a funny guy, a talented actor, and a pleasure to work with, but to be honest, I was even more excited that it probably meant I’d be meeting his special lady friend, Ms. Demi Moore. You see, I was a teenager in the 80s, and Demi played a big part in my development. So Demiii lemmeee, dedicate this to you.


(Chris begins to sing)

“Demi, what you give me is not a semi, I don’t lies.
When I look at you my meal becomes a biggie super size.
Girl you drive me crazy, and don’t you mack with Swayze
He covered you in clay, I’d cover you in DNA.
Got a St. Elmo burning in my pants.
I’m much more age appropriate so just gives me a chance.

Now do not get me wrong, I like Ashton a lot.
If I went both ways I’d have to say that he is hot.
He’s a fine young man, if I went that way.
I would make him rise again for the Easter holiday.
Ashton, what a beautiful boy.
If I was bisexual, your mouth I would enjoy.
Ashton, I don’t roll that way, but if I did
I’d surely eat at your buffet.

Ashton, you’re so meow-meow fine,
That if I liked the boys, I’d be up on your behind.
Ashton, don’t misunderstand,
If I was AC/DC I would try to touch your gland.”

(Stops singing)

Let me reiterate, I am a heterosexual man, and I’m extremely attracted to Demi Moore, as I have been for 20 years. I am in no way sexually attracted to Ashton Kutcher….BUT IF I WAS…

(Beings singing again)

“I’d meet him at his house, and down a couple brews,
Shoot some pool and some hoops, then play some Halo 2.
We’d change into our tank tops, while lying for an hour.
We’d get all hot and sweaty and retire to the shower.
We’d lather up each other and then we’d dance around.
We’d make each other giggle till we both fell down.
We’d wash each other’s hair, and dry each other off.
For a joke, I’d grab his testicles and ask for him to cough.
At night we’d share our secrets, all our hopes and dreams.
Then we’d moisturize our skin with the finest salves and creams.
We’d burn a scented candle, and have a pillow fight.
Then take off our pajamas, and cuddle through the night.”

(Chris walks over in-between Tina and Amy and they both stand up and start dancing)


Tina and Amy: “What a Beautiful Boy…”

Chris Parnell:
“If I was bisexual, your mouth I would enjoy.

Tina and Amy: “He don’t roll that way…”

Chris Parnell:
“But if I did, I’d surely eat at your buffet.

Tina and Amy: “You’re so meow-meow fine…”

Chris Parnell:
“That if I liked the boys, I’d be up on your behind.

Tina and Amy: “Don’t misunderstand…”

Chris Parnell: “If I was AC/DC I would try to touch your gland.”

(Stops singing)

I love you Demi. Ashton, lets hang bro?

Amy Poehler: Chris Parnell everybody. Thank God I didn’t marry you, Parnell! For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler…

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good Night and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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