Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 15
Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
Henry Payne…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, its Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Amy Poehler: Hello Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey and here are tonights top stories. In celebrity sports news, OJ Simpson got a new golfing buddy this week. (Shows a split screen picture of OJ and Robert Blake)
After his acquittal, a relieved Robert Blake made a brief statement and happily took questions from the press.
(Cuts to a video interview of Robert Blake)
Reporter: Who do you honestly believe killed your wife?
Robert Blake: (Long Pause) Shut up!
(Back to the Studio)
Tina Fey: Fair enough
Amy Poehler: Hes free but hes still mad.
(Continues to cut back and forth between Tina and Amy and the taped interview answers of Robert Blake)
Robert Blake: Im broke I need a job!
Tina and Amy: How broke are you?
Robert Blake: Right now I couldnt buy sprats for a hummingbird.
Tina and Amy: What does that mean?
Robert Blake: Shut up!
Tina and Amy: Hey Robert Blake, now that youve been acquitted, what are you gonna do?
Robert Blake: You get in a motor home or a van or something like that, and you just let the air blow in your hair, and you wind up in some little bar in Arizona someplace and you shoot one-handed 9-Ball with some 90-year-old Portuguese woman who beats the hell out of ya.
Amy Poehler: March Madness everybody, can you feel it?
The Congressional Comity on Steroid Abuse this Thursday heard the testimony of six major league players including: See No Evil (Shows picture of a baseball player), Hear No Evil (Shows a picture of Mark McGuire), and Speak No English (Shows picture of a baseball player).
Italy announced Tuesday that it would begin pulling its 3,000 troops out of Iraq later this year. Im guessing theyre going to do it by having their mothers yell out the window: (in an Italian accent) Anthony, dinners ready!
Tina Fey: If youve ever been scammed, cheated, or ripped off, youre going to love this new Weekend Update segment called Help Me Henry. Please welcome Weekend Update Consumer Advocate, Henry Payne.
Henry Payne: Hello. Hello Tina Fey, Amy Fey. I recently received a disturbing letter from a Ms. Beverly Walter who purchased a defective flat screen TV from K&M Electronics on Delancy Street. FOLKS, these Mom and Pop Stores arent what they used to be. Not to be stereotypical, but mom and pop have turned into Faruk and Wang-Ho. See a lot of this merchandise is either defective or damaged. Now, I went down to K&M Electronics to help Ms. Walter out. Lets take a look at what happened.
(Cut to video at the store. Henry is about to approach the manager. He has a baseball bat with him as well)
Henry Payne: Now this guys been giving Beverly Walter a hard time. (Taps manager on back with baseball bat) SIR, you have been selling defective TVs!
Manager: (In a Hispanic Accent) You are not to touch me with basketball bat! No! Who are you?
Henry Payne: Im Henry Payne, Consumer Advocate.
(Manager heads towards Henry to make him leave)
Manager: (BEEP) (BEEP) you! You go! Out of my store now! This way!
Henry Payne: WHAT! Whach you say!! We gonna get him on this, get the camera down!
(Henry goes on to violent beat the store manager many times until static interrupts the beating. When it resumes, the manager is duct taped to a chair and basly hurt and Henry crouching next to him.)
Henry Payne: Okay, uh, that was kinda tough, but as you can see Henry Payne is not to be played with.
Manager: In my country, I am dentist.
Henry Payne: SHUT UP! (Smacks him hard on the face) Im Henry Payne saying, Dont make me come after you!
(Cut back to the studio)
Tina Fey: Wow! Henry, did you have to do that? Couldnt you have just called the Better Business Bureau or something?
Henry Payne: Uh, Tina, who needs the Better Business Bureau when youve got the Better Bat Bureau (Pulls out his baseball bat from under the desk) You know what Im saying, you get what Im saying?
Tina Fey: Yeah, okay so did you get that lady a refund?
Henry Payne: Hell yeah, I got her a whole lot of other stuff too. (Proceeds to pull stuff out and put it on top of the desk) Heres a surge protector, and I got her a nice police scanner right here, and some blank videocassettes.
Amy Poehler Oh! Yeah! Ill take those! (Grabs the videocassettes)
Tina Fey: Yeah, okay, well take that stuff but thats enough! Henry Payne everybody.
Amy Poehler: In an interview with 60 Minutes, George Lucas described the upcoming Star Wars movie as Titanic in Space, and a Tear Jerker, and Not so Good!
Tina Fey: Ashley Smith, the amazing Georgia woman taken hostage by courthouse shooter Brian Nichols said that Nichols agreed to turn himself in after she read him passages from The Purpose Driven Life: A Blueprint for Christian Living. Thankfully he didnt break into my house where he would have been read passages from The South Beach Diet and Penthouse Forum. That was a close one!
Donald Trump has approached the Miss America Organization about buying the famous pageant or at least a few of the contestants.
Amy Poehler: A bowling ball manufacturer has increased sales by putting cherry, peach, and other popular scents into its bowling balls. Though for purists, they still do offer the traditional bowling scent Fat Guy hands.
Los Angeles prosecutors are contemplating whether to bring criminal charges against Paula Abdul for her alleged role in a hit and run incident last December. As it stands, the judge informed Abdul that: (Amy starts into her Paula Abdul impression) I think you look great and you started out driving really well but then when you swiped the car, it was a little, not your best. But still, I like you, and I like your style. Nice job.
Tina Fey: According to a new study, Mormons teenagers fare better than regular teenagers when it comes to staying out of trouble and doing well in school. Although you would too if you had eight moms yelling at you.
Amy Poehler: According to a new survey, 67 percent of teenagers are content or extremely happy most of the time. Theyre called stoners!
Tina Fey: A New York man is selling mp3 players that come preloaded with a complete audio recording of the Talmud, the 2,000-page book of Jewish law. They are available in two sizes, the Oy Pod and the Bnai Pod mini.
Edeka, a German supermarket chain will soon allow customers to pay by placing their finger on a scanner at the check out. An electric shock will then violently shake the appropriate amount of money free.
Amy Poehler: And now, here with a very special report is our own Chris Parnell.
Chris Parnell: Hello. Thanks Amy. Well, when I heard that Ashton Kutcher was going to be hosting the show this week, I was pretty excited. Hes a funny guy, a talented actor, and a pleasure to work with, but to be honest, I was even more excited that it probably meant Id be meeting his special lady friend, Ms. Demi Moore. You see, I was a teenager in the 80s, and Demi played a big part in my development. So Demiii lemmeee, dedicate this to you.
LISTEN UP, G.I. JANE!!
(Chris begins to sing)
“Demi, what you give me is not a semi, I dont lies.
When I look at you my meal becomes a biggie super size.
Girl you drive me crazy, and don’t you mack with Swayze
He covered you in clay, Id cover you in DNA.
Got a St. Elmo burning in my pants.
Im much more age appropriate so just gives me a chance.
Now do not get me wrong, I like Ashton a lot.
If I went both ways I’d have to say that he is hot.
Hes a fine young man, if I went that way.
I would make him rise again for the Easter holiday.
Ashton, what a beautiful boy.
If I was bisexual, your mouth I would enjoy.
Ashton, I dont roll that way, but if I did
Id surely eat at your buffet.
Ashton, youre so meow-meow fine,
That if I liked the boys, Id be up on your behind.
Ashton, dont misunderstand,
If I was AC/DC I would try to touch your gland.”
Let me reiterate, I am a heterosexual man, and Im extremely attracted to Demi Moore, as I have been for 20 years. I am in no way sexually attracted to Ashton Kutcher .BUT IF I WAS
(Beings singing again)
“Id meet him at his house, and down a couple brews,
Shoot some pool and some hoops, then play some Halo 2.
Wed change into our tank tops, while lying for an hour.
Wed get all hot and sweaty and retire to the shower.
Wed lather up each other and then wed dance around.
Wed make each other giggle till we both fell down.
Wed wash each others hair, and dry each other off.
For a joke, Id grab his testicles and ask for him to cough.
At night wed share our secrets, all our hopes and dreams.
Then wed moisturize our skin with the finest salves and creams.
Wed burn a scented candle, and have a pillow fight.
Then take off our pajamas, and cuddle through the night.”
(Chris walks over in-between Tina and Amy and they both stand up and start dancing)
Tina and Amy: “What a Beautiful Boy…”
“If I was bisexual, your mouth I would enjoy.
Tina and Amy: “He dont roll that way…”
“But if I did, Id surely eat at your buffet.
Tina and Amy: “Youre so meow-meow fine…”
“That if I liked the boys, Id be up on your behind.
Tina and Amy: “Dont misunderstand…”
Chris Parnell: “If I was AC/DC I would try to touch your gland.”
I love you Demi. Ashton, lets hang bro?
Amy Poehler: Chris Parnell everybody. Thank God I didnt marry you, Parnell! For Weekend Update, Im Amy Poehler
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Good Night and have a pleasant tomorrow!
Submitted by: Margaret Edwards