SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 04/09/05



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 16

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


April 9th, 2005

Cameron Diaz

Green Day


Phil Hyms

Jimmy Fallon

Justin Timberlake

Drew Barrymore
Papal Debate ’05Summary: Tim Russert (Darrell Hammond) moderates a dull debate of sleeping Cardinals vying to be Pope John Paul II’s successor. The debate comes alive only with the help of obscene hand gestures from Cardinal Dejakamo (Fred Armisen) and the usual antics of the Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Tim Russert, Al Sharpton.

Note: Technical gaffes abound, as none of superimposed name tags match the Cardinal being represented on the screen.

Cameron Diaz’s MonologueSummary: Cameron Diaz tries to prove that she was an ugly duckling in high school, but her horrid photo can’t compete with those of Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph and Tina Fey.

First Hosted: 98a.


Extreme Makeover: Home EditionSummary: Shirtless Ty (Seth Meyers) and the gang perform an extreme makeover in a home where the matriarch (Cameron Diaz) is dying of a disease so debilitating that her excited husband (Chris Parnell) won’t even reveal it to her.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel’s spoof of Hanna-Barbera cartoons has Michael Jackson in trouble again, so his lawyers and acquaintances perform damage control by dressing him in special glasses that make any woman look like Emannuel Lewis during his early “Webster” days.

The Barry Gibb Talk ShowSummary: Barry (Jimmy Fallon) and Robin Gibb (Justi Timberlake) discuss more political issues with Nancy Pelosi (Cameron Diaz), Ann Coulter (Drew Barrymore), and Gov. Bill Richardson (Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb, Ann Coulter.

Note: Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore make a guest appearance following the release of their film “Fever Pitch”. Justin Timberlake appears because he’s dating Cameron Diaz.


The Holland Tunnel HotelSummary: The new manager (Chris Parnell) of a one-star hotel desperately wants to impress the Hotel Review Commissioner (Darrell Hammond), so he calls his staff (Horatio Sanz, Cameron Diaz, Finesse Mitchell, Fred Armisen) together for a meeting, only to find they’re all moonlighting as prostitutes at the hotel.


Green Day performs “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”First Performed: 94g.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Via satellite, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler interview newlyweds Prince Charles (Seth Meyers) and Camilla Parker-Bowles (Fred Armisen), who require a London Tower guard (Rob Riggle) to keep them from making out in public. In a Weekend Update Dramatic Play, former anchor Jimmy Fallon shows up to cash in on visitation rights for the young child he has with Tina, and attempts awkward banter with his successor, Amy.

Recurring Characters: Prince Charles, Camilla Parker Bowles.


Woo! The MusicalSummary: The new Broadway musical captures the magic and splendor that is Spring Break.

Note: More technical gaffes, as the pixellation effect comes on late and clearly reveals that Cameron Diaz is wearing a flesh-colored bra.


The SofabedSummary: After purchasing a new sofabed for her sixth floor apartment, a trendy woman (Cameron Diaz) must contend with two lazy movers (Kenan Thompson, Finesse Mitchell) at the furniture store.

Green Day performs “Holiday”Lyrics

Spy GlassSummary: Ian Gerrard (Seth Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Amy Poehler) dish the dirt on Charles and Camilla, “Desperate Hotwives” and other hot topics of the moment.

Recurring Characters: Ian Gerrard, Zoe Anderton, Gene Shalit.




Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Living WillSummary: A woman (Cameron Diaz) films her living will, but her husband (Will Forte) is more interested in watching a different show on television.

Ballroom DancingSummary: A ballroom dance instructor (Maya Rudolph) teaches strange moves to her class.

The FalconerSummary: While arguing about whose fate is rougher, a lightning bolt causes the Falconer (Will Forte) and Donald to switch bodies.

Recurring Characters: The Falconer, Donald.

Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Tom Brady.

Bachelorette PartySummary: During her bachelorette party, a bride-to-be (Cameron Diaz) is hit on by a gadfly (Seth Meyers) at the bar.

Bear CitySummary: A bear embarks on a shopping quest.

Bill Kurtis SingsSummary: Bill Kurtis (Darrell Hammond) hits the studio to record an album dedicated to songs about gruesome murders.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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