SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 04/09/05: The Barry Gibb Talk Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 16







04p: Cameron Diaz / Green Day

The Barry Gibb Talk Show

Barry Gibb…..Jimmy Fallon
Robin Gibb…..Justin Timberlake
Nancy Pelosi…..Cameron Diaz
Anne Coulter…..Drew Barrymore
Gov. Bill Richardson…..Horatio Sanz

[Opens with SUPER of “The Barry Gibb Talk Show” with Robin and Barry dancing on the set, backs to the audience.]

Announcer: It’s the “Barry Gibb Talk Show”!

Barry & Robin Gibb: [turn and sing falsetto to the tune of “Nights on Broadway”] Heeeere we are….

Announcer: Tonight, Barry’s guests are…

Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing]… in a room full of straaaaangers…

Announcer: Minority leader, Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi [SUPER of the real Nancy Pelosi]

Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing] …discussin’ politics…

Announcer: Governor of New Mexico, Bill Richardson. [SUPER of the real Gov. Bill Richardson]

Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing] … and the issues of the daaaa-aaaay…

Announcer: Conservative columnist and author of “How to Talk to a Liberal”…

Barry & Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] Well I want to taaaaaalk to you…

Announcer: …Anne Coulter. [SUPER of the real Anne Coulter]

Barry & Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] …though you may not want me to…

Announcer: And as always…

Barry & Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] I’m still gonna taaaaalk to you…

Announcer: Barry’s brother Robin.

Barry & Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] I don’t care what you saaaay…

[Gibbs begin dancing as disco ball descends]

Talkin’ it up
On the Barry Gibb Talk Show
Talkin’ ‘bout issues
Talkin’ ‘bout real important issues

Talkin’ it up
On the Barry Gibb Talk Show
Checkin’ out politics
In this crazy, crazy to-own oh yeah!

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, your host, Barry Gibb!

Barry Gibb: [speaks staccato throughout the sketch] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. It’s my show, and it’s a no-nonsense show. I’m not gonna take any crap from anybody! [A beat] The President continues to push his Social Security plan despite overwhelming opposition. Robin, do you have any opinion on Social Securitah?

Robin Gibb: No… No I don’t.

Barry Gibb: Nancy Pelosi you have been [goes up an octave] one of the most outspoken opponents of President Bush’s plan. Why-y?

Nancy Pelosi: Because America cannot afford Presidents Bush gambling our future on the stock market. It’s almost as if he’s trying to turn the entire country into Republicans!

Barry Gibb: Huh, that’s an interesting point.

Nancy Pelosi: Thank you Barry, I think it’s important.

Barry Gibb: [becoming agitated] Wait, what did you just call me?

Nancy Pelosi: Barry!

Barry Gibb: [infuriated] YOU WILL NOT CALL ME BY MY FIRST NAME!! IT IS MR. GIBB TO YOU! YOU WILL SHOW ME SOME RESPECT BECAUSE I HAVE EARNED IT!! I HAVE 13 GOLD RECORDS [up an octave] AND NONE OF THEM WENT PLATINUM! [a beat] Robin do you have anything to add?

[pause]

Robin Gibb: No… no I don’t…

Barry Gibb: No you don’t huh?

Robin Gibb: Mm-mmm.

Barry Gibb: Anne Coulter. You’ve accused Liberals of hating America. [Up an octave] You said that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote. You must have some strong opinions on Social Securitaah.

[Huge applause for Barrymore]

Anne Coulter: Thank you for having me. Thank you. In response to your question, Mr. Gibb, that’s exactly the kind of vicious Liberal slander that the left wing media…

Barry Gibb: [interrupting] Ah, ah, ah be-before you go any further can I just ask a question? What is wrong with your face? You look like a rubber glove stretched over a skeleton!

Anne Coulter: [aghast] Oh! Typical liberal bias!

Barry Gibb: [infuriated] DON’T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! DO I LOOK LIKE BILL MAHER TO YOU?? I am from the streets of Queensland, Australia!! I once gave a kangaroo a [up and octave] heart attack just by staring at it! Robin was there!!

[pause]

Barry Gibb: Do you remember that? Robin? Do you remember that… happenin?

Robin Gibb: No… No I don’t.

Barry Gibb: No you don’t… Let’s sing the next guest’s name.

Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing] Governor Bill Richardsooon. Richardson of New Mexico!

Barry Gibb: Yeah!

Robin Gibb: Yeah!

Barry Gibb: Yeah!

Robin Gibb: [Up an octave] Yeah!

Gov. Bill Richardson: That’s a- That’s really great. First, uh, Barry, let me say that my wife and I are big fans and, uh, every time you guys come to New Mexico, we are there. I mean, we really get into it.

Barry Gibb: Oh every time we’re there that’s so wonderful… [Escalating rage] Considering we haven’t been to New Mexico in 12 FRIGGIN’YEARS!! DON’T YOU PATRONISE ME! I AM BARRY GIBB! [does karate kick and nearly loses his balance] I WILL TAKE OUT MY BOOIE KNIFE AND GUT YOU LIKE A FI-I-I-AH-HE-ISH!

Barry & Robin Gibb: [Harmonising] I’LL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH! I’LL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH YEAH! I’LL PUT YOU IN THE GROUND!! YEAH, ME AND MY BROTHER GONNA PUT YOU IN THE GROUND YEAH!

Robin Gibb: Yeah!

Barry Gibb: Yeah!

Robin Gibb: [Up an octave] Yeah!

Barry & Robin Gibb: Yeaaaaaaaaaaah!

Barry Gibb: Well that’s all the time we have. We… have… been…

Barry & Robin Gibb: [begin singing theme song and dancing as disco ball descends]

Talkin’ it up
On the Barry Gibb Talk Show
Talkin’ ‘bout chest hair!
Talkin’ ‘bout crazy cool medallions!

Talkin’ it up
On the Barry Gibb Talk Show!

[Robin kicks over chair]

Talkin’ ‘bout ha-na-ha
Ha-ha-ha oh yeah!

[Barry, Robin and guests all dance. “The Barry Gibb Talk Show” SUPER appears] [fade]

Submitted by: Johanna Hunt

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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