SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 04/09/05: The Holland Tunnel Hotel


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 16

04p: Cameron Diaz / Green Day

The Holland Tunnel Hotel

Benny…..Horatio Sanz
Hotel Guest…..Rob Riggle
Manager…..Chris Parnell
Simone…..Cameron Diaz
Quinones…..Finesse Mitchell
Mr. Boderite…..Fred Armisen
Mr. Juice…..Darrell Hammond
Voice Over…..Don Pardo

[open on dilapidated building exterior with sign: “HOTEL”] [dissolve to interior of hotel lobby with Benny behind front desk dressed in an undershirt and departing guest with a small suitcase]

Benny: Next time, I’m gonna charge you for the extra hour.

Hotel Guest: Go screw yourself, Benny.

[manager enters, dressed in a suit and holding a clipboard]

Manager: Ah, Benjamin, may I trouble you for a moment of your time?

Benny: Huh, what do you want now?

Manager: Well, as the new manager of this hotel, I want to remind you that part of your job includes asking the guests whether they’ve enjoyed their stay at the hotel.

Benny: What, that guy? He sells guns to drug dealers.

Manager: Well, with that attitude, we’re always going to be a one-star hotel. I’m calling a staff meeting. [vigorously rings bell at front desk] Staff meeting! Staff meeting! Staff meeting!

[Simone, wearing revealing outfit and fishnet stockings, enters, pushing a maid’s cart] [Quinones enters, wearing maintenance worker’s uniform and holding a sledgehammer] [Mr. Boderite, an elderly man, enters, wearing a cardigan sweater and glasses]

Simone: Staff meeting? What the hell?

Quinones: Man, we ain’t never had no staff meeting.

Mr. Boderite: Meeting?

Manager: I’ve called this meeting because the hotel review commission–the people who decide how many stars a hotel gets–are coming this afternoon. Now, call me a dreamer, but I would love to see us move from a one-star hotel to a two-star hotel.

Simone: Two stars? The only reason we have one star is because we haven’t been reviewed since 1921.

Mr. Boderite: I was there.

Manager: Thank you, Mr. Boderite. Well, it’s time to make some changes around here. First of all, we will be changing the hotel’s name. This hotel will no longer be called simply “Hotel.” It will have a more glamorous name befitting its historic locale, and be called “The Holland Tunnel Hotel.” Secondly, employee attire. Simone, you are dressed–and I apologize in advance for saying this–but you are dressed like a prostitute.

Simone: Hmmm, there’s a reason for that.

Manager: Which is?

Simone: I am a prostitute.

Manager: But you’re a maid!

Simone: No, I’m a maid-slash-prostitute.

Manager: Is anybody else here working two jobs?

Mr. Boderite: I am.

Manager: And what else do you do, besides running the elevator, Mr. Boderite?

Mr. Boderite: I am also a prostitute.

Manager: Great, is everybody who works in this hotel a prostitute?

Quinones: Well, um, how do you define prostitute?

Manager: People pay you to have sex with them.

Quinones: Oh, then, yeah, I’m definitely a prostitute.

Benny: [raises hand] I’m a prostitute, too.

Manager: Good lord!

Simone: You should try it. You know, you can make a lot of money. People pay you for a whole hour, but it usually only takes five minutes.

Manager: Really, oh, that’s wonderful. That’s very helpful. Thank you, Simone. Does anybody else have any prostitution advice to give me?

Quinones: I would say, almost always wear a condom.

Manager: Thank you, Quinones.

Benny: Even when they’re doing it to your face.

Simone: That’s very smart.

Manager: Can we stop talking about prostitution?!

Mr. Boderite: And always get your money up front.

Manager: Thank you, Mr. Boderite. I’d like to get back to changing the hotel’s image if I may. I’d like to propose that we change the sheets after every guest, and not never. [Simone scoffs] Furthermore, when a guest dies in a room, please let’s remove the body.

Benny: Oh, come on, what are all these rules? How are we ever gonna sell cocaine?

Simone: No! No, guys, he’s right! We can make this a better hotel. I’m tired of being a maid-slash-prostitute in a one-star hotel at the entrance of the Holland Tunnel. I am better than that! I wanna be a maid-slash-prostitute in a two-star hotel! My momma didn’t raise me! [sobs into Quinones’ shoulder]

Manager: Your mamma didn’t raise you how?

Simone: No, my mamma didn’t raise me. That’s why I’m a prostitute.

[Mr. Juice enters, clapping]

Mr. Juice: [with foppish intonation] That was a very impressive speech. My name is Mr. Juice. I’m from the hotel review commission. I’m not normally in the practice of giving stars based on speeches, but this young lady’s speech has inspired me. I’m going to give the Holland Tunnel one and a half stars!

Simone: Do you want to go upstairs with me?

Mr. Juice: One and three-quarters stars.

Quinones: I’m coming, too.

Mr. Juice: Four stars!

[all three exit stage left] [dissolve to same exterior as previously, with sign now reading “HOLLAND TUNNEL HOTEL” and caption: “The Holland Tunnel Hotel ****]

Voice Over: Accomodations for the guests of Saturday Night Live are provided by the Holland Tunnel Hotel.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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