SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 04/09/05: Cameron Diaz’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 16

04p: Cameron Diaz / Green Day

Cameron Diaz’s Monologue

…..Cameron Diaz
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Amy Poehler
…..Tina Fey

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Cameron Diaz!

Cameron Diaz: Thank you! Thank you everyone! Thank you so much! What’s up, New York? How you guys livin’? It’s really great to be back in the U.S. I’ve been traveling all over the world the last year cuz I have this new show on MTV call Trippin’. It’s kind of like… (Applause) Thank you! It’s kind of like an adventure show where my friends and I go to places like Nepal, Bhutan, Tanzania…

(Rachel Dratch slowly, and quietly walks in well behind Cameron)

Cameron Diaz: …you know, the usual MTV hot spots…

Rachel Dratch: (Nervous, quiet laugh)

(Cameron looks back and notices Rachel but doesn’t say anything)

Cameron Diaz: We hung out with these uh, Bhutanist, uh Buddhist monks in Bhutan and let me tell you something, you have not partied till you’ve partied at dawn in complete silence with Buddhist monks.

Rachel Dratch: (Nervous, quiet laugh)

(Cameron looks back again at Rachel but doesn’t say anything)

Cameron Diaz: And Tanzania’s just gorgeous, I mean animals everywhere. It’s…

Rachel Dratch: mm… Yeah.

Cameron Diaz: Is everything all right Rachel?

Rachel Dratch: Oh yeah, I’m sorry, I was just watching you do the monologue, I’m sorry.

Cameron Diaz: Well do you want to come over here with me?

Rachel Dratch: OH!! I couldn’t! OH!!! I couldn’t do that!

Cameron Diaz: Why not?

(Rachel starts to walk over towards Cameron)

Rachel Dratch: Well, I mean it’s just like, you know, you’re just so cool and everything. I’m mean you’re nice, and you’re funny, and you’re really tall and blonde, and you just seem really cool and just cool!

Cameron Diaz: Oh my God, are you kidding me? I’m a dork! When I was high school, I was a total goon! All the kids used to make fun of me.

Rachel Dratch: They did? Really?

Cameron Diaz: Yes, yes, yes yes!

Rachel Dratch: Really? ME TOO!

Cameron Diaz: See! We’re more alike than you think!

Rachel Dratch: Yeah! God, I was so awkward. You know, I even carry around my awkward teenage photo with me at all times, just to remind me how far I’ve come!

(Rachel pulls out a small photo)

Cameron Diaz: No way, I do that too!

Rachel Dratch: Yeah, it’s pretty rough!

(Shows a close up of a young Rachel with her mouth hanging open and with glasses and long pigtails and bangs in dorky clothes)

Cameron Diaz: Oh my God, if you think that’s bad, check this out! Hold on… (Pulls out her picture)

(Shows Cameron on a bench dressed as a cheerleader. It’s not a very bad picture at all, especially compared to Rachel’s.)

Cameron Diaz: I mean I look like a duck!

Rachel Dratch: Yeah, your life must have been hell.

Cameron Diaz: I’m serious, you guys, I was like all skinny and gangly and guys were like no thank you. They didn’t want to have any part…

(Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler enter from the other side of Cameron)

Amy Poehler: Yeah, we’re gonna call BS on that Cameron!

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, yeah! It’s always the pretty lady hosts that say they were geeks in high school…

Amy Poehler: Jennifer Garner…

Maya Rudolph: Charlize Theron…

Amy Poehler: Jennifer Aniston. We’re not buying it.

Maya Rudolph: No. Ok, and you know what “Drootch”, that photo is nothing ok! So check out ‘Maya-pekay’ Rudolph’s senior portrait! (Pulls out her photo)

(Shows a much chubbier Maya with a huge afro)

Cameron Diaz: You were cute!

Maya Rudolph: Nah uh! My nickname was 2-2-7!

Rachel Dratch: ‘Cause you look like Jackee?

Maya Rudolph: No, ’cause I weighed 227 pounds.

Cameron Diaz: Guys, everyone was awkward in high school in some way right?

Amy Poehler: Speak for yourself! Not me, I was pretty cute in high school. I was junior class treasurer. Here look… (Pulls out her picture)

(Show Amy with messy hair, an eye patch over one eye, and VERY messed up teeth)

Amy Poehler: Oh… I haven’t really looked back at that since I got my adult braces and my glass eye.

(Cuts to Amy’s picture again)

Amy Poehler: I take it back, I guess I wasn’t hot, so much as slutty.

(Tina Fey enters off stage in front of them from Rachel’s side)

Tina Fey: What are you guys talking about?

Rachel Dratch: Oh, uh, Cameron’s claiming she was homely in high school.

Tina Fey: Oh boy! Beth, could you fire up that picture of me from the Upper Darby Community Service Cour.

(Shows Tina with very short curly hair, huge eyebrows. She basically looks like a guy)

Tina Fey: Case closed, my lovelies, case closed.

(Tina sort of bows and then walks off in front of them)

Cameron Diaz: Okay, fine! I didn’t want to do this okay, but the summer before my junior year, I straightened my hair… and I had a nose job.

All: Really?

Cameron Diaz: This is what I looked like before that.

(Shows Cameron with short, curly, reddish hair and a HUGE nose.)

All: (GASP)

Maya Rudolph: Oh! Oh! God! Oh! You look like Chaka from Land of the Lost!

Rachel Dratch: You are one of us!

Cameron Diaz: I am!

Amy Poehler: Oh my God! Do not let Justin see that!

Cameron Diaz: We’ve got a great show for you guys tonight! We have… Green Day is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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