Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 16
Cameron Diaz’s Monologue
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Cameron Diaz!
Cameron Diaz: Thank you! Thank you everyone! Thank you so much! Whats up, New York? How you guys livin? Its really great to be back in the U.S. Ive been traveling all over the world the last year cuz I have this new show on MTV call Trippin. Its kind of like (Applause) Thank you! Its kind of like an adventure show where my friends and I go to places like Nepal, Bhutan, Tanzania
(Rachel Dratch slowly, and quietly walks in well behind Cameron)
Cameron Diaz: you know, the usual MTV hot spots
Rachel Dratch: (Nervous, quiet laugh)
(Cameron looks back and notices Rachel but doesnt say anything)
Cameron Diaz: We hung out with these uh, Bhutanist, uh Buddhist monks in Bhutan and let me tell you something, you have not partied till youve partied at dawn in complete silence with Buddhist monks.
Rachel Dratch: (Nervous, quiet laugh)
(Cameron looks back again at Rachel but doesnt say anything)
Cameron Diaz: And Tanzanias just gorgeous, I mean animals everywhere. Its
Rachel Dratch: mm Yeah.
Cameron Diaz: Is everything all right Rachel?
Rachel Dratch: Oh yeah, Im sorry, I was just watching you do the monologue, Im sorry.
Cameron Diaz: Well do you want to come over here with me?
Rachel Dratch: OH!! I couldnt! OH!!! I couldnt do that!
Cameron Diaz: Why not?
(Rachel starts to walk over towards Cameron)
Rachel Dratch: Well, I mean its just like, you know, youre just so cool and everything. Im mean youre nice, and youre funny, and youre really tall and blonde, and you just seem really cool and just cool!
Cameron Diaz: Oh my God, are you kidding me? Im a dork! When I was high school, I was a total goon! All the kids used to make fun of me.
Rachel Dratch: They did? Really?
Cameron Diaz: Yes, yes, yes yes!
Rachel Dratch: Really? ME TOO!
Cameron Diaz: See! Were more alike than you think!
Rachel Dratch: Yeah! God, I was so awkward. You know, I even carry around my awkward teenage photo with me at all times, just to remind me how far Ive come!
(Rachel pulls out a small photo)
Cameron Diaz: No way, I do that too!
Rachel Dratch: Yeah, its pretty rough!
(Shows a close up of a young Rachel with her mouth hanging open and with glasses and long pigtails and bangs in dorky clothes)
Cameron Diaz: Oh my God, if you think thats bad, check this out! Hold on (Pulls out her picture)
(Shows Cameron on a bench dressed as a cheerleader. Its not a very bad picture at all, especially compared to Rachels.)
Cameron Diaz: I mean I look like a duck!
Rachel Dratch: Yeah, your life must have been hell.
Cameron Diaz: Im serious, you guys, I was like all skinny and gangly and guys were like no thank you. They didnt want to have any part
(Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler enter from the other side of Cameron)
Amy Poehler: Yeah, were gonna call BS on that Cameron!
Maya Rudolph: Yeah, yeah! Its always the pretty lady hosts that say they were geeks in high school
Amy Poehler: Jennifer Garner
Maya Rudolph: Charlize Theron
Amy Poehler: Jennifer Aniston. Were not buying it.
Maya Rudolph: No. Ok, and you know what Drootch, that photo is nothing ok! So check out Maya-pekay Rudolphs senior portrait! (Pulls out her photo)
(Shows a much chubbier Maya with a huge afro)
Cameron Diaz: You were cute!
Maya Rudolph: Nah uh! My nickname was 2-2-7!
Rachel Dratch: ‘Cause you look like Jackee?
Maya Rudolph: No, ’cause I weighed 227 pounds.
Cameron Diaz: Guys, everyone was awkward in high school in some way right?
Amy Poehler: Speak for yourself! Not me, I was pretty cute in high school. I was junior class treasurer. Here look (Pulls out her picture)
(Show Amy with messy hair, an eye patch over one eye, and VERY messed up teeth)
Amy Poehler: Oh I havent really looked back at that since I got my adult braces and my glass eye.
(Cuts to Amys picture again)
Amy Poehler: I take it back, I guess I wasnt hot, so much as slutty.
(Tina Fey enters off stage in front of them from Rachels side)
Tina Fey: What are you guys talking about?
Rachel Dratch: Oh, uh, Camerons claiming she was homely in high school.
Tina Fey: Oh boy! Beth, could you fire up that picture of me from the Upper Darby Community Service Cour.
(Shows Tina with very short curly hair, huge eyebrows. She basically looks like a guy)
Tina Fey: Case closed, my lovelies, case closed.
(Tina sort of bows and then walks off in front of them)
Cameron Diaz: Okay, fine! I didnt want to do this okay, but the summer before my junior year, I straightened my hair and I had a nose job.
Cameron Diaz: This is what I looked like before that.
(Shows Cameron with short, curly, reddish hair and a HUGE nose.)
Maya Rudolph: Oh! Oh! God! Oh! You look like Chaka from Land of the Lost!
Rachel Dratch: You are one of us!
Cameron Diaz: I am!
Amy Poehler: Oh my God! Do not let Justin see that!
Cameron Diaz: We’ve got a great show for you guys tonight! We have… Green Day is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
Submitted by: Margaret Edwards