SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 04/09/05: Spy Glass


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 16

04p: Cameron Diaz / Green Day

Spy Glass

Ian Gerrard…..Seth Meyer
Zoe Anderton…..Amy Poehler
Edwina Peppermint…..Cameron Diaz
Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz

[open on harlequin blowing smoke cloud with title: “BBC America”]

Voice Over: You’re watching BBC America.

[dissolve to opening montage with title: “Spy Glass”] [dissolve to studio, with Ian and Zoe]

Ian: Welcome to “Spy Glass,” English television’s top shop for gloss goss.

[titles: “Ian Gerrard,” “Zoe Anderton,” placed beneath the appropriate persons]

Zoe: I’m Zoe Anderton, and my lips are sealed. [lifts finger to mouth as if to make “shhh” gesture]

Ian: And I’m Ian Gerrard, [titles are removed] getting us started with the story, “Wedding Royale,” or “Thrilla in Camilla.” [graphic of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles at their wedding at top left] Well, Charles and Camilla were married despite delays and a queen who conspired to royally flush it down the toilet. Charles said he understands his mother’s absence, but Camilla says the queen was being an Eliza-bitch. No word on the honeymoon, but knowing those two, they’re probably already back at the palace, bucking hams. Zoe!

Zoe: [graphic of male and female silhouettes with question mark at top right] What super duo is reportedly on the rocks? I won’t la-chey, but things are a total mess-ica. [silhouette is replaced by picture of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson] Ooo-eee-ooo!

Ian: [graphic of Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen in torn picture at top left] And now, “Sorry Charlie,” or “For Richer and for Poorer.” Well, Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards have split. Charlie wants another chance, but Denise says she’s sheen enough. She says his cheating ways took her out at de-knees. With Charlie available again, we hear his phone is ringing off the hooker. She says he spent time with porn stars. He says those relationships were strictly “Platoon”-ic. What’s that? Didn’t like that last one? Me, neither. Zoe!

Zoe: [graphic of Hugh Grant at top right] What fit Brit news correspondent pulled a Pat O’Brien and has been leaving Hugh Grant X-rated voice mails? I’ll give you one clue: If you called her mobile, I’d answer. Ooo-eee-ooo! [graphic changes to include Zoe joyfully peering from behind Hugh Grant’s shoulder]

Ian: And now, let’s go to our “Desperate Housewives” correspondent, Edwina Peppermint.

[dissolve to Edwina Peppermint standing in front of Piccadilly Circus with title: “Rupert Smythe Pennington”]

Edwina: Edwina Peppermint here, with all the “Desperate Housewives” dirt. This week, Wisteria Lane turned into hysteria lane on a Vanity Fair shoot. Marcia got cross and left Felicity huff-man. Was Terry hatchering a plan to get the best swimsuit? Come on, girls, share and Nicolette share-idan alike, or you won’t stay on top for Eva long-oria. The whole ordeal proves once again that when it comes to “Desperate Housewives”, them bitches is crazy. Back to you.

[dissolve to studio]

Ian: Great work, Edwina. Great work.

Zoe: [previous graphic of Zoe joyfully peering from behind Hugh Grant’s shoulder] This just in. We’ve got a recording of those naughty messages.

[recorded beep]

Zoe: [voice over] Oh, my, you’re so hot. I’m so into you. I want you to snog my knickers. [Zoe mouths along to parts of this] If you’re into this, give me a look, or a wave, or a wink, or just ignore me.

Zoe: Hmmm, I guess we’ll never find out who the mystery caller is.

[recorded beep]

Zoe: [voice over] By the way, this is Zoe. Zoe Anderton. From “Spy Glass.”

Zoe: Ooo-eee-ooo.

Ian: [previous graphic of Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen] One more on the Sheen-Richards split. Friends say despite it all Denise is being a “Starship Trooper.”

Zoe: Hmmm, not your best work, Ian.

Ian: It’s hard when they’re not in bigger movies. Speaking of movies, let’s check in with our cinema correspondent, the Right Honorable Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire

[dissolve to Gene Shalit wearing small powdered wig and eating a muffin in front of “Critics Corner” backdrop with title: “Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire”]

Gene: [with mouth full] Oh, yeah, well, I got a great deal. [notices camera] Aaah! [spits out muffin and puts plate down] Parum, parum, parum! Well, once again it’s that time of year when new movies come out every Friday. “Pacifier”? I’d be a paci-liar if I told you this movie wasn’t a Vin-ner. What’s that say? This was one piece of art that was painted on a Diesel. “Sin City”? Once again, where there’s a Bruce Willis, there’s a way. Jessica Alba…seeing that one, again and again. Based on a comic book, this movie stars com-Mickey Rourke. Oh, boy. I think I’m bleeding in my brain! This is Sir Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire saying “Pip, pip!”

[dissolve to studio, with close-up on Ian]

Ian: Thanks, Reggie, you’re the best. [his mobile phone rings, and he answers] Hello?

Zoe: I’m so into you. I want to mash my bangers into your bangers.

Ian: Is this Zoe?

[shot widens to show Zoe making the call from immediately next to Ian]

Zoe: [giggles] I’ll never tell. Ooo-eee-ooo.

Ian: What is wrong with you?

Zoe: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I have low self-esteem. [winks and mugs at the camera]

Ian: When we come back, news from the Jackson trial, where witness continue to describe what they mamasay, mammasah, mamaku-saw.

Zoe: Until then, you better watch your step.

Both: ‘Cause you’re under the “Spy Glass.” [Zoe brings her thumb and index finger to her left eye, as if looking through a spy glass] [dissolve to title: “Spy Glass”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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