Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 16
Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
Prince Charles…..Seth Meyers
Camilla Parker Bowles…..Fred Armisen
London Palace Guard…..Rob Riggle
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, its Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Tina Fey: Hi, Im Tina Fey.
Amy Poehler: Im Amy Poehler, and here are tonights top stories.
Funeral services for Pope John Paul II were held Friday and attended by a US delegation that consisted of Bill Clinton, George Bush Sr., Condoleezza Rice, Laura Bush, President Bush, and one well-hidden Game Boy.
Tina Fey: According to Vatican protocol, voting to select the next Pope will begin on April 18th, and insiders say there are four leading candidates – Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany, Cardinal Angelo Scola of Italy, and Bo Bice. Now, Im not a theologian or anything, but yall should pick Pope John Paul III, duh, its not rocket science. Huh aint broke.
Amy Poehler: Al Gore announced that hes creating an independent cable TV network call Current that will be aimed at 18 to 34 year old and focus on technology, culture, fashion, [starts or drown out as if bored] television, music, politics, parenting, and the environment Oh My God, even his cable channel wont shut up! Ugh!
Tina Fey: It was reported this week that House Majority Leader Tom Delay took several ethically questionable golf trips paid for by foreign lobbyists, and that his wife and daughter were paid $500,000 from his own political action comity. Delay referred to the allegations as: Just another seedy attempt by the liberal media to embarrass me with my own actions, words, and illegal doings.
Amy Poehler: Earlier today, Prince Charles and his long time mistress Camilla Parker Bowles were finally wed. We take you now live to the reception, which from the looks of it appears to still be in full swing. Prince Charles, can you hear us?[Cut to a room where Charles and Camilla are sitting in chairs side by side with a London Palace Guard right behind them]
Prince Charles: Yes Amy. Although I have to admit its hard to hear anything over the sound of my beating heart.
Camilla Parker Bowles: [somewhat crying] O…Oh Charles
Prince Charles: Yes Camilla[Both lean in to kiss but the Palace Guard puts his hands on their faces to keep them apart before they do]
Amy Poehler: So um, you must be happy?
Prince Charles: Oh, of course! 30 years of waiting Amy, and from now on the first thing I get to see every morning is this face[He turns to look at Camilla who is crying very unflatteringly]
Prince Charles: Oh Camilla..
Camilla Parker Bowles: Oh Charles[They lean in to kiss but are once again stopped by the Guard]
Amy Poehler: Whos that guy in the middle?
Prince Charles: This is a palace guard assigned to keep us off of each other.
Camilla Parker Bowles: They passed a law.
Prince Charles: Yes in Parliament, unanimous I hear. But Nigel is fantastic! Just watch[To demonstrate he tries to kiss Camilla but is stopped]
Amy Poehler: So how do you like your assignment, Nigel?
Guard: Ive got a strong stomach… makes me right for this sort of thing.[Charles and Camilla again try to kiss. When the guard puts his hand between them they keep kissing his hand]
Guard: All right, all right, thats enough, thats enough!
Tina Fey: Aw, theyve waited 30 years for this!
Amy Poehler: Yeah, let em have a kiss.
Tina Fey: Let em go.
Guard: As you wish.[Charles and Camilla startled, slowly flail about making kissing faces and whatnot]
Tina & Amy: No no! Stop it!
Guard: Per your decision[Guard once again stops them. They continue to rub their hands on each others arms]
Amy Poehler: Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles everyone! Arent they a cute couple?
Tina Fey: No theyre not. But thats nice theyre not cute. Its good.
And in sports news, God hates golf too! [Shows a picture of Rain delays]
“The View” co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck gave birth Wednesday to a baby girl, and Barbara Walters has reportedly already harvested the babys soul so she can continue to live forever . Best Wishes!
Amy Poehler: A Brooklyn mans life was saved when he bent down to pick up a tube of Chap Stick and a stray bullet whizzed past his head. [Proceeds to open and apply some Chap Stick to her lips] Its finally nice to see some positive press about those of us who use Chap Stick we find in the street.
Tina Fey: Can I get some of that?
Amy Poehler: Uh! Tina dont be gross!! [Laughs to audience as she points with thumb at Tina]
This season’s “Sesame Street” will begin running stories about healthy eating habits with Cookie Monster learning that there are any time foods like vegetables and sometimes foods like cookies. Executives are also considering changing the characters name to Pilates Monster. [Shows picture of Cookie Monster doing Pilates] Tight abs.
Tina Fey: Hes on the Cadillac.
The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two-year suspension for a lawyer found having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. HaHa Jokes on you dummies… Im not really a lawyer!
Amy Poehler: A new study has found that the active ingredient in marijuana reduces artery clogging in mice. According to the mice, this was without a doubt the best science experiment theyve ever been a part of.
Atlanta Falcons quarterback, Michael Vick, has been hit with a lawsuit by a woman who claims he passed along the herpes virus to her in 2003. Even more shocking, he passed it to her from 60 yards away.
Tina Fey: A truck hauling lunch mean from Syracuse, New York hit a barricade and careened out of control Tuesday causing it to catch fire. And so goes the opening scene of “Quiznos: The Movie.”
Beauticians in Australia are currently offering sphincter bleaching to female customers who want to whiten the dark skin around their rectal areas. So
Tina & Amy: HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHEL DRATCH!![Rachel Dratch is shown in the box where a story picture usually goes but its live video of her]
Rachel Dratch: Hey! You guys! [sighs]
Tina Fey: That ruined the Weekend Update
Amy Poehler: Ah enjoy it Rachel, enjoy it!
Scientists said this week that they have drilled a hole into the lower section of the earths crust and they were poised to break through mantle in coming years. This could allow scientists to learn how the earth was formed or it could send us hurtling into the sun.
According to a new report, about one in five high school freshmen report having had oral sex and one third of them say they intend to try it soon… AT KARENS PARTY THIS WEEKEND!
Tina Fey: A 40-year-old woman who is still lactating has volunteered to breast feed a pair of endangered Bengal tiger cubs. And, of course, you know she’s gonna do it sitting next to me in the airport. [Sighs]
Amy Poehler: Five jockeys at a horse race in Australia were attacked by an angry flock of seagulls.
Tina Fey: And
Amy Poehler: And they ran! They ran so far away. Couldnt get away.
Tina Fey: Thats very sad.
Amy Poehler: Yeah. A Washington State couple spent $45,000 on a stem cell transplant for their dog whos recovering from lymphoma. The dog showed its appreciation by taking a dump on their bed.
Announcer: And now, a Dramatic Weekend Update Play
Tina Fey: In science news, a new study show that tree frogs
Jimmy Fallon: Hey Tina. Sorry Im late.
Tina Fey: Where have you been?
Jimmy Fallon: Sorry I had a press junket. You look nice, are those new glasses?
Tina Fey: No, same old glasses. Let me just go get him ok?
Jimmy Fallon: Hows it goin?
Amy Poehler: Its goin great.
Jimmy Fallon: Is that my old jacket?
Amy Poehler: No, I have my own jacket.
Jimmy Fallon: I was just asking look I know this whole thing is kinda messed up. I never intended this to be
Tina Fey: Okay, I packed his allergy medicine and if he gets scared at night just play him that Nichols and May DVD. And do me a favor; dont take him to the VMAs this time!
Jimmy Fallon: He loved it! He met Ja Rule.
Tina Fey: He was throwing up Red Bull for two days.
Jimmy Fallon: Hey buddy, hows it going?
Kid: I hate Taxi![Tina puts her hand over his mouth]
Tina Fey: Hes just upset that you havent been around. Were all a little upset.
Amy Poehler: Im not.
Jimmy Fallon: You know, boo, I just [Leans in to kiss but Tina ends up stopping it]
Tina Fey: Just go.Jimmy Fallon: All right. Come on Lorne.
Announcer: This has been a Dramatic Weekend Update Play.[Tina, Amy, Jimmy, and the kid all hold hands and take a bow]
Amy Poehler: We did it you guys, we did it! For Weekend Update, Im Amy Poehler
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Good Night and have a pleasant tomorrow!
Submitted by: Margaret Edwards