SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 04/09/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 16

04p: Cameron Diaz / Green Day

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Prince Charles…..Seth Meyers
Camilla Parker Bowles…..Fred Armisen
London Palace Guard…..Rob Riggle
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Funeral services for Pope John Paul II were held Friday and attended by a US delegation that consisted of Bill Clinton, George Bush Sr., Condoleezza Rice, Laura Bush, President Bush, and one well-hidden Game Boy.

Tina Fey: According to Vatican protocol, voting to select the next Pope will begin on April 18th, and insiders say there are four leading candidates – Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany, Cardinal Angelo Scola of Italy, and Bo Bice. Now, I’m not a theologian or anything, but ya’ll should pick Pope John Paul III, duh, it’s not rocket science. Huh… ain’t broke.

Amy Poehler: Al Gore announced that he’s creating an independent cable TV network call Current that will be aimed at 18 to 34 year old and focus on technology, culture, fashion, [starts or drown out as if bored] television, music, politics, parenting, and the environment… Oh My God, even his cable channel won’t shut up! Ugh!

Tina Fey: It was reported this week that House Majority Leader Tom Delay took several ethically questionable golf trips paid for by foreign lobbyists, and that his wife and daughter were paid $500,000 from his own political action comity. Delay referred to the allegations as: “Just another seedy attempt by the liberal media to embarrass me with my own actions, words, and illegal doings.”

Amy Poehler: Earlier today, Prince Charles and his long time mistress Camilla Parker Bowles were finally wed. We take you now live to the reception, which from the looks of it appears to still be in full swing. Prince Charles, can you hear us?

[Cut to a room where Charles and Camilla are sitting in chairs side by side with a London Palace Guard right behind them]

Prince Charles: Yes Amy. Although I have to admit it’s hard to hear anything over the sound of my beating heart.

Camilla Parker Bowles: [somewhat crying] O…Oh Charles…

Prince Charles: Yes Camilla…

[Both lean in to kiss but the Palace Guard puts his hands on their faces to keep them apart before they do]

Amy Poehler: So um, you must be happy?

Prince Charles: Oh, of course! 30 years of waiting Amy, and from now on the first thing I get to see every morning is this face…

[He turns to look at Camilla who is crying very unflatteringly]

Prince Charles: Oh Camilla..

Camilla Parker Bowles: Oh Charles…

[They lean in to kiss but are once again stopped by the Guard]

Amy Poehler: Who’s that guy in the middle?

Prince Charles: This is a palace guard assigned to keep us off of each other.

Camilla Parker Bowles: They passed a law.

Prince Charles: Yes in Parliament, unanimous I hear. But Nigel is fantastic! Just watch…

[To demonstrate he tries to kiss Camilla but is stopped]

Amy Poehler: So… how do you like your assignment, Nigel?

Guard: I’ve got a strong stomach… makes me right for this sort of thing.

[Charles and Camilla again try to kiss. When the guard puts his hand between them they keep kissing his hand]

Guard: All right, all right, that’s enough, that’s enough!

Tina Fey: Aw, they’ve waited 30 years for this!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, let ‘em have a kiss.

Tina Fey: Let ‘em go.

Guard: As you wish.

[Charles and Camilla startled, slowly flail about making kissing faces and whatnot]

Tina & Amy: No no! Stop it!

Guard: Per your decision…

[Guard once again stops them. They continue to rub their hands on each other’s arms]

Amy Poehler: Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles everyone! Aren’t they a cute couple?

Tina Fey: No they’re not. But that’s nice they’re not cute. It’s good.

And in sports news, God hates golf too! [Shows a picture of Rain delays]

“The View” co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck gave birth Wednesday to a baby girl, and Barbara Walters has reportedly already harvested the baby’s soul so she can continue to live forever…. Best Wishes!

Amy Poehler: A Brooklyn man’s life was saved when he bent down to pick up a tube of Chap Stick and a stray bullet whizzed past his head. [Proceeds to open and apply some Chap Stick to her lips] It’s finally nice to see some positive press about those of us who use Chap Stick we find in the street.

Tina Fey: Can I get some of that?

Amy Poehler: Uh! Tina don’t be gross!! [Laughs to audience as she points with thumb at Tina]

This season’s “Sesame Street” will begin running stories about healthy eating habits with Cookie Monster learning that there are any time foods like vegetables and sometimes foods like cookies. Executives are also considering changing the characters name to Pilates Monster. [Shows picture of Cookie Monster doing Pilates] Tight abs.

Tina Fey: He’s on the Cadillac.

The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two-year suspension for a lawyer found having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. HaHa… Jokes on you dummies… I’m not really a lawyer!

Amy Poehler: A new study has found that the active ingredient in marijuana reduces artery clogging in mice. According to the mice, this was without a doubt the best science experiment they’ve ever been a part of.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback, Michael Vick, has been hit with a lawsuit by a woman who claims he passed along the herpes virus to her in 2003. Even more shocking, he passed it to her from 60 yards away.

Tina Fey: A truck hauling lunch mean from Syracuse, New York hit a barricade and careened out of control Tuesday causing it to catch fire. And so goes the opening scene of “Quizno’s: The Movie.”

Beauticians in Australia are currently offering sphincter bleaching to female customers who want to whiten the dark skin around their rectal areas. So…


[Rachel Dratch is shown in the box where a story picture usually goes but it’s live video of her]

Rachel Dratch: Hey! You guys! [sighs]

Tina Fey: That ruined the Weekend Update…

Amy Poehler: Ah… enjoy it Rachel, enjoy it!

Scientists said this week that they have drilled a hole into the lower section of the earth’s crust and they were poised to break through mantle in coming years. This could allow scientists to learn how the earth was formed or it could send us hurtling into the sun.

According to a new report, about one in five high school freshmen report having had oral sex and one third of them say they intend to try it soon… AT KAREN’S PARTY THIS WEEKEND!

Tina Fey: A 40-year-old woman who is still lactating has volunteered to breast feed a pair of endangered Bengal tiger cubs. And, of course, you know she’s gonna do it sitting next to me in the airport. [Sighs]

Amy Poehler: Five jockeys at a horse race in Australia were attacked by an angry flock of seagulls.

Tina Fey: And…

Amy Poehler: And they ran! They ran so far away. Couldn’t get away.

Tina Fey: That’s very sad.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. A Washington State couple spent $45,000 on a stem cell transplant for their dog who’s recovering from lymphoma. The dog showed its appreciation by taking a dump on their bed.

Announcer: And now, a Dramatic Weekend Update Play…

Tina Fey: In science news, a new study show that tree frogs…

Jimmy Fallon: Hey Tina. Sorry I’m late.

Tina Fey: Where have you been?

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry I had a press junket. You look nice, are those new glasses?

Tina Fey: No, same old glasses. Let me just go get him ok?

Jimmy Fallon: How’s it goin’?

Amy Poehler: It’s goin’ great.

Jimmy Fallon: Is that my old jacket?

Amy Poehler: No, I have my own jacket.

Jimmy Fallon: I was just asking… look I know this whole thing is kinda messed up. I never intended this to be…

Tina Fey: Okay, I packed his allergy medicine and if he gets scared at night just play him that Nichols and May DVD. And do me a favor; don’t take him to the VMAs this time!

Jimmy Fallon: He loved it! He met Ja Rule.

Tina Fey: He was throwing up Red Bull for two days.

Jimmy Fallon: Hey buddy, how’s it going?

Kid: I hate Taxi!

[Tina puts her hand over his mouth]

Tina Fey: He’s just upset that you haven’t been around. We’re all a little upset.

Amy Poehler: I’m not.

Jimmy Fallon: You know, boo, I just… [Leans in to kiss but Tina ends up stopping it]

Tina Fey: Just go.Jimmy Fallon: All right. Come on Lorne.

Announcer: This has been a Dramatic Weekend Update Play.[Tina, Amy, Jimmy, and the kid all hold hands and take a bow]

Amy Poehler: We did it you guys, we did it! For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler…

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good Night and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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