Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 17
A Message From Congressman Tom Delay
Tom Delay…..Chris Parnell
[ open on U.S. House of Representatives seal ]
Announcer: The following is a message from Congressman Tom Delay.[ dissolve to Tom Delay seated at desk ]
Tom Delay: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I’m Tom Delay, representative from the 22nd District of Texas, and Majority Leader of the U.S. House of Representatives.
For the last several weeks, I have been the target of a smear campaign by the Democratic Party and the right-wing media. Falsely charged with ethical improprieties and threatened with frivilous indictments for non-existent offenses. And, why? Partly, because I did all the things they accused me of. But, mostly, because my critics can’t stand the fact that I’m a strong, conservative voice in Congress, and an effective leader of my party.
You see, with our slim majority, it’s not always easy to get legislation through the House. That’s where I come from. As Majority Leader, I’m the guy who makes sure that each and every Republican backs the President’s agenda. Even if he disagrees with part of it, even if it’s politically dangerous. In nailing down their vote, I try to use the carrot. But, if necessary, I don’t hesitate to use the stick.
Now, do I always succeed? No. Sometimes a member from a moderate, or a swing district, will be afraid to support the President on a certain issue.
For example, Congressman Bob McKibben of Ohio.[ cut to stock footage of a car exploding, with SUPER: “Rep. Bob McKibben, (R-OH)” ]
Tom Delay: Others might vote against us because an administration proposal will hurt an important industry in their district. Like Dale Givens of Oklahoma.[ cut to stock footage of a man crashing through an interior window, with SUPER: “Rep. Dale Givens, (R-OK)” ]
Tom Delay: And, sometimes, one of our people won’t vote with us, not because he’s angry with the President, or because it’s risky politically, but simply because the man sincerely believes a piece of legislation is bad punblic policy. And, though they may frustrate me, such people always have my respect. People like Congressman Hastings Dodge of Arizona.[ cut to stock footage of a car careening over a cliff and exploding upon ground impact, with SUPER: “Rep. Hastings Dodge, (R-AZ)” ]
Tom Delay: So, on any given vote, we may lose a few members here and there. But, since I’ve been Majority Leader, we’ve never failed to pass a bill. Although, we almsot had a tie once, when one of our members threatened to abstain.
Tom Delay: But even Jim came around in the end. You see, although my manner might be brusque, and my tactics aren’t always.. [ makes quotes signs ] “popular,” I get the job done. And that’s why they’re out to get me. So, remember, if you should come across one of those vicious anti-Delay pieces by David Stratten in the Wahington Post —[ cut to stock footage of a man falling from the roof of a tall building, with SUPER: “David Stratten, Reporter-Washington Post” ]
Tom Delay: Or, worse – the series about me in the L.A. Times by Allison Waller and Joe Levin —[ cut to stock footage of a two people bursting through an exterior window, as an explosion detonates behind them, with SUPER: “Allison Waller & Joe Levin, Reporters-Los Angeles Times” ]
Tom Delay: — you know their real agenda. And, needless to say, don’t even bother reading the Miami Herald.[ cut to stock footage of a building collapsing, with SUPER: “Offices of Miami Herald (Simulation)” ]
Tom Delay: Now that you know the facts, I hope I can count on your support. Thank you. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”