Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 17
Dr. Phil….Darrell Hammond
[Opens with Dr. Phil’s logo. Music theme. Cuts to Dr. Phil in a suit, balding head, moustache, sitting in his TV show studio]
Dr. Phil: [southern accent] Welcome back. Today, we’re talking about emotional intelligence. Some men just don’t have it. Our next couple is Jamie and Ken. Jamie says Ken is not responding to her emotional needs. And for her last birthday Ken gave her a coupon for 10 free car washes. [audience oooh’s] And Jamie doesn’t even have a car.[audience oooh’s] And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Take a look.
[Hidden video streaming from Jamie and Ken’s home]
Jamie: Dr. Phil, my husband just doesn’t get it.
[Hidden video from the home’s kitchen. Dogs barking, kids yelling. Ken walks in with groceries and puts them down. The conversations show up in caption at the bottom of the screen]
Ken: Hi, honey.
Ken: I’ve got a really special evening planned for us.
Ken: All my buddies are here to play poker, for you!
[Guys cheering come into the kitchen with beer, one thumps his chest with Ken]
Jamie: He means well but it just comes out all wrong.
[Cut to more hidden video of Jamie modeling a pair of pants to Ken. Ken eats a sandwich]
Jamie: Honey, does this pants make me look fat?
Ken: Yes, they do.
Jamie: He never picks up on my signals.
[Cut to more hidden video. Ken reads magazine on his couch. Jamie gets seductively close to Ken]
Jamie: Hey, the kids are at a sleepover’s tonight. We have the whole house for ourselves.
Ken: That’s great! I’m going to go smoke cigarettes and watch “Porky’s”![leaves]
[Cut to more hidden video of Jamie sobbing in her couch]
Ken: Are you crying or laughing?
Jamie: I’m crying.
Ken: Oh, cause it sounded like you were laughing. I thought you were watching Leno or something. Have a good one.[leaves]
[Jamie’s drops on the couch sobbing hysterically]
Jamie: Help me, Dr.Phil. You’re my only hope.
[Cut to the TV studio. Ken and Jamie sit next to Dr. Phil]
Dr. Phil: Ken, Jamie, welcome.
Dr. Phil: Ken, when it comes to understanding your wife and her emotional needs you are about a buck short of a dollar.
Ken: Yes, sir.
Dr. Phil: I, I meant–do y’all understand that the two of you are not on the same page? I mean, can we agree that she’s ordering coffee and you’re giving her pea-soup?
Ken: Yes, sir.
Dr. Phil: She wants you to pick the kids up at soccer and you respond by building a doghouse with a slide on it. Does that seem weird?
Ken: Yes, sir.
Dr. Phil: Well, it should. Because she’s over here setting up a lemonade stand and you’re strapping on hockey gear getting ready to shoot a sandwich outta the sky!
Ken: I agree.
Dr. Phil: Don’t agree with that, Ken. That was gibberish. I was testing you. Now, Ken I want you to look Jamie in the eyes and give her 3 compliments.
Ken: Ok, sure.[turns to Jamie] Umm, number one–you are my wife. Number two–your sweater is pretty. This is hard. How many do I got?
Dr. Phil: One more, buddy.
Ken: Ok, uh, number three—I like your boobs. Yes! I did it![looks for a high-five,she high-fives him reluctantly]
Dr. Phil: Ken.[long pause]Do you know what you remind me of? Did you ever have a dog and you point to where you want that dog to go and all that dog does is look at your finger? I mean, basically I’m pointing out the problems and you’re looking at my finger.
Ken: You’re right. You got me. I do have a dog.
Dr. Phil: Good Lord. Ken, how far you push your Q-tips when you clean your ears? Did you ever touch brain?
Ken: No, sir.
Dr. Phil: I didn’t think so. Because she’s giving you the international sign for choking and you’re trying to make shadow puppets in a dark room wearing a tuxedo t-shirt humming the theme from “Arthur”.
Ken: I understand.
Dr. Phil: You can’t possibly understand cause it didn’t make any sense! Stay alert, Ken. Some of these are traps. Now, I’m going to ask Jamie to show you a range of emotions and I want you to identify them for me.[gives Jamie some index cards]
Ken: Ok, ok.
[Jamie makes a sad face]
[Jamie makes an angry face]
[Jamie makes a frightened face]
Ken: Pooping! I nailed it![looks for a high-five]
Jamie: Ken![reluctantly high-fives Ken]
Dr. Phil: Ken, do you want to work this out? Or, do you want your wife to get fed up and leave you?
Ken: Is these one of those traps?
Dr. Phil: No. Ken, I want you to look in Jamie’s eyes and tell her “I love you”.
Ken: Ok.[looks into Jamie’s eyes] Dr. Phil loves me!
[Dr. Phil slaps Ken in the face]
Dr. Phil: Yes! Looking good! When we come back, we’ll talk to Gary and Vanessa who say they haven’t had sex since their son was born.
[Cuts to Gary and Vanessa in the audience with their 12 year old son. All with miserable look in their faces]
[Dr. Phil’s logo. Theme music]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel