Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 17
Tom Brady’s Falafel City
Dennis DeYoung….Horatio Sanz
Genie Singer 1….Amy Poehler
Genie Singer 2….Seth Meyers
Genie Singer 3….Maya Rudolph
Genie Singer 4….Kenan Thompson
[Opens with Tom Brady dressed as a middle easternsultan with a turban, black vest, red belt, orangepants]
Tom Brady: Sim, Sim, Saladin, folks! I’m Tom Brady andever since I was a kid I’ve had one dream and onedream only–to open up a restaurant selling highquality middle eastern cuisine at discount prices.Sure, winning all those Super Bowls was fine but takeit from me, nothing compares to serving up a lambkabob platter with all the fixings for just $4.59.[Tom is given a plate, he smells it]Mmmm-mmm.[givesplate back]So, what do you got to lose? Come on downto Tom Brady’s Falafel City.[4 singers dressed as genies appear in front of Tom.They sing and dance while he’s in middle dancinghappily]
All:[sing] Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba ganush! Ba, ba, ba, ba,ba ganush! ba, ba, ba,ba, ba ganush! Ba,ba,ba ba, baganush!
Singer:[sing] At Tom Brady’s Falafel City, yeah TomBrady’s Falafel City!
All:[sing] So grab yourself a pita, fill it full ofmeat at Falafel City, ba,ba Tom Brady Falafel City![Singers leave]
Tom Brady: I’ll be honest with you folks. I was sickand tired of people coming up and asking me “Hey, Tom.Where I can get a good falafel sandwich in the southplain field New Jersey area?” So sick and tired that Iconverted an old veterinarian’s office into northcentral New Jersey’s finest low-cost, high volume,middle eastern eatery. How about a juicy shawarmasandwich just for $2.59?[Tom is given the sandwich. He smells it, is kind ofdisgusted, throws it back] [The 4 genie singers appear]
All:[sing]Ba,ba,ba,ba,ba ganush! Ba,ba,ba,ba,baganush! Ba,ba,ba,ba,ba ganush!
Singer 1:[sing] At Tom Brady Falafel City!
All:[sing]We’ll get you feeling awful, grab yourself afalafel, at Falafel City, ba,ba Tom Brady FalafelCity!
Tom Brady:[holds curved knives] Tom Brady Falafel Cityis without a doubt one of the top 5 NFL quarterbackowned and operated middle eastern restaurants in allof the south plain field area. Don’t believe me? Justask my occasional tennis doubles partner former Styxfront man Dennis De Young.[Dennis appears, does a lame robot]
Dennis De Young: Domo Arigato Mr. Tom Brady! Hey! I’mDennis De Young. Tom Brady has the best middle easternfood around. Not that I’d know anything about that.No, crippling food allergies prevent me from goinganywhere near middle eastern foods of any kind. Justthe smell of hummus can cause to break out in weepingsores all up and down my thighs. Trust me it can getpretty gruesome. But I’m not alone. Thousands ofAmericans are battling debilitating food allergiesdaily. That’s why Tom Brady generously agreed todonate 50 cents of every dollar to “The Dennis DeYoung House”. A charity I started to help me build ahouse.
Tom Brady: I didn’t agree to anything.[Apparently Tom skipped his lines]
Dennis De Young: So I can live in it. All right, let’sdo this.[Horatio looks up to Tom. Cracks up]
Tom Brady: I did not. That was not the house.[cracks up]
Dennis De Young: All right. Maybe you didn’t. Aahhhbut that’s great.[cracking up] All right, we’ll seeyou next Saturday, we got an 8:00 court time, right?
Tom Brady: Yup.
Dennis De Young:[sings] You’re Tom Bra-a-ady!!! Yousell discount falafels!!! [laughs]
Tom Brady: So next time you see yourself in the southplain field New Jersey area go to Tom Brady FalafelCity! Open Says-a-,me![Genie singers appear]
All:[sing] There’s no burgers, fries or weenies justtabbouleh and tahini, Falafel City ba,ba Tom BradyFalafel City![Map to Tom Brady’s Falafel City]
Announcer: Tom Brady Falafel City off route 14 in thestrip mall behind Derek Jeter’s Taco Hole. Rightbetween Donald Trump’s House of Wings and AlSharpton’s Casa de Sushi. Al Sharpton’s Casa deSushi—now serving Thai food.[cheers and applause] [scene fades]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel